Confidence. It’s a funny thing. It is not black or white, something I have or I don’t. I want to proclaim I am confident as a rock! Sturdy to the core! Regardless of my circumstances! But in reality, my confidence is more fluid; a state of mind that fluctuates based on the circumstances of my life, situations I am in, and the people I am surrounded by. And for reasons unclear to me, my confidence tank sprung a leak this year. A big one.
I distinctly remember, in ninth grade, making the conscious decision to be more confident. “Love yourself – you’re all you’ve got” was my mantra. It felt great. As cliche and Seventeen-magazine as it sounds, I realized I had a choice: I could either love and accept myself…or not. And given such a choice, why on earth would I choose the latter? I was born with a certain set of physical and mental traits – and I knew at the time that if I didn’t put my foot down and decide to love those qualities, particularly the ones that would never change, I was setting myself up for a life of misery. Plus, who was I to shrug off all the blessings I’d been given by moping about what I was missing? Despite the melodrama of high school, confidence seemed to come easier back then.
Fast-forward to today. I’ve got a lot going for me, and objectively – on paper – I know that. But as I hit my quarter-life crisis this year (man, I thought somehow I’d be an exception to that rule), my confidence seemed to sneak out of the house while I wasn’t looking. Love yourself – you’re all you’ve got? Pffft! Love yourself IF you are successful, productive, in-shape, and in a relationship. Somehow those became the new conditions. Confidence became something I rationed to myself – little baits and switches if I did something WORTHY of it. Lose ten pounds – feel great! Gain ten pounds? Banished from love; punishable by self-loathing. This wasn’t just about looks – it was about my overall state of self-worth, which had somehow become contingent on external measures.
So here I am now, re-committing to loving myself unconditionally again. Confidence hangs out on a sliding scale with its cohorts self-esteem, self-worth and self-efficacy (hover over the links for definitions), and this year while my self-efficacy remained high, my overall confidence hit a major low. Am I confident in my ability to be resourceful and achieve my goals? No question. But am I confident that I deserve love – unconditional, unqualified love, from myself and others? I’ve been typing and erasing different answers for the last ten minutes. The ONLY answer should be YES. Because I know that I am worth it. See? Progress already.
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You are spot on. I find confidence (as one gets older) more of a sine wave – it has its ups and downs. Our job is to make sure that the ups are not too high and the downs aren’t too low.
I think our confidence lows might be attributed to wisdom – as we age, we become more experienced, thoughtful, and understanding. That might lead to a wee bit of confidence drain.
Overall – great post – lots of character to let us into your world. – Rich
Hi Rich – thanks for stopping by! I was thinking about that too – whether confidence gets harder as we become more wise & self-aware. For me, confidence drain also comes from aspiring to greatness – sometimes I have to step back and remember to appreciate where I already am, and make sure what I am aspiring to are really my own goals and standards, not someone else’s (like the media).
And what you said about monitoring the sine wave is great – I once had a co-worker tell me: “don’t let praise go to your head or criticism go to your heart.” Seems like a good reminder here too. Thanks again!
I think I may be going through that “quarter-life crisis” you’re talking about. This post put a few things in perspective for me, thank you.
Hey Tanya – thanks for reading, and stopping by. Oh, the dreaded QLC.
Two resources I found helpful: the article mentioned above and Christine Hassler’s book, 20 Something, 20 Everything.
And let me know if you ever want to do a free 30-minute coaching session sometime.
So true about the confidence…it can be so overrated sometimes. Not everyone is going to feel confident 100% of the time. Some people give the illusion of that and that’s why other people feel like they suck when they aren’t.
I fluctuate between confidence and having a total pity party a lot. Maybe if you have more periods of confidence than not, you’re in good shape. Also not letting the down periods get to you and prevent you from accomplishing your dreams and doing what you need to do. I’m always trying to remember that.
Great post, Jenny!
Valerie – I love what you said about giving ourselves credit for having more confident moments than not – it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And beating myself up over not being 100% confident all the time? Pointless! Great comment, thanks so much for stopping by
Hey, first timer here via Chris’ link on Twitter. Really great thoughts here. If you had the confidence to survive high school, you can have the confidence to do anything (including love yourself). I myself was in high school about a year ago, but MY confidence was at an all time low (college thankfully restored it – can’t wait to return!).
For surviving high school with your sense of self intact, you should congratulate yourself.
I think you’re totally deserving of love, but you must love yourself before you can love another and before someone else can love you.
John – thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! Nice to meet you. Your comment made me laugh – maybe I just have selective memory when it comes to having confidence in high school? No clue how I made it through that time period feeling great about myself, but with all the drama of high school I feel lucky that I wasn’t deeply insecure (like I’m sure many people experience).
And you are absolutely right that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. I remember that often – but I think the trick for me is also not saying “I ONLY deserve love when I love myself 100% all the time” – because that just doesn’t seem realistic!
“I’m a firm believer in a ruling class, especially since I rule.” is a quote I like to live by.
This is just a part of the human condition. We all ride the wave of confidence and questioning.
Jenny, you of all people have no reason to question yourself, you are simply amazing. I have known this since the second time I met you. I couldn’t tell when you accosted me for a picture as a delegate, sorry.
If you ever have a moment of doubt, pick up the phone and call any one of your many friends. I count myself lucky to be one of them.
JOrr…you are too sweet. THANK YOU. And I may just take you up on that offer – you are right that a pick-me-up phone call is only – well – a call away
And very true – part of the human condition indeed. I like the wave-riding analogy. If you fall off the board, just get the hell back on!
Really great post on confidence, Jenny! I really enjoyed reading it and completely agree with the points you’ve made here. This is such an important topic and I’m so glad you’ve addressed it here.
Have you ever heard Jamie Cullum’s song “Twenty Something?” I frickin’ love that song! At the ancient year of 29 I have had approximately 4 quarter life crisises (hey, if you are going to do something, might as well do it right, right?!) and I have to concur that it is a continual building process.
What makes it continual? Well, everytime you think you have one piece of the puzzle figured out, someone comes along and rips out all the pieces of another section. And you’re like “Crap, I had that figured out!” I love 20(or)somethings’s Twitter, she has continuous “convos” with the Universe and it cracks me up. Cause it’s so true!
As for confidence in yourself, well, all I gotta say is this: http://www.opheliaswebb.com/20.....blake.html
Elisa – I haven’t heard that song, but I’m going to go look it up on iTunes right now!
You are so right – I was talking to a friend the other day about how “quarterlife crisis” is really a misnomer. It is more of a transition, albeit less scripted than say college graduation, that has its ups and downs. And so true that once you think you have one piece figured out, another pops up. I guess that’s what keeps us on our toes
. I smiled when I saw your confidence reminder – I’m telling you, that post was such a boost!
I know confidence comes from within, but if you could see all the love from us readers and lurkers, I bet it would help give ya a push
I here what ur saying though for sure…keep your head up friend!
You will be a wonderful mother, Jenny.
Great post Jenny. It takes courage to share something like this and I appreciate your honesty. The whole thing is an interesting discussion because I think of self=esteem as a combination of self-confidence and self-worth. So you can be high on one, but still have low self-esteem if you are low on the other. I am not sure if it is a matter of confidence because self-efficacy and self-confidence are one in the same. Self-efficacy is having confidence in your ability to be effective in dealing with the challenges in the world. What it may be – and I am just throwing it out there – is that you have high self-efficacy because you are pretty damn successful and I respect and admire you a great deal – but that you do not feel you are worthy of that success and the happiness that comes with it (or is supposed to come with it). Expectations are tied up in there as well where sometimes we have too high of expectations and that makes it even more challenging to feel worthy of what we have accomplished. One of the biggest tragedies in life is thinking we are not worthy of happiness or love, so we end up taking steps (usually subconsciously) to prove ourselves right – not taking on certain opportunities, not allowing ourselves to get close to others, thinking our accomplishments are not a big deal, thinking everyone is doing better than you are (which I think is a HUGE problem with our generation).
He,he,he – you have unleashed the psychologist in me. In any case, I think you may want to see it from a different perspective and ask yourself if you are not acknowledging your self-worth and not letting yourself feel worthy of being happy, at least in some aspects of life. Thoughts?
I will also look for a couple of books I think you will LOVE, LOVE on this topic! =)
Marcos – I think you really hit the nail on the head with having really high expectations AND on the subconscious happiness sabotage. Sometimes I catch myself doing this thing where when I feel really happy, I suddenly picture everything that could go wrong. Almost like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. What is that?! I am working on learning how to enjoy the moment and just feel happy and deserving of good things that come my way. So thanks for sharing the psychologist perspective!
This is a really thought-provoking post, and one a lot of us can probably relate to! It made me think back to my confidence “then” and my confidence now. I don’t really think I was any more or less confident then than now (ok, maybe less), but my confidence has, I think, shifted along with my priorities. (If that makes any sense at all…)
Jill – that’s a really interesting idea, about confidence shifting along with your priorities. I also wonder if confidence shifts according to what we put our focus on. It’s a lot like the idea of having a “balanced” life. There is no end state of balance – you are either moving toward it or away from it, constantly making little adjustments as you notice things getting off-kilter.
It’s always good to check the sources of our powers (whether it’s confidence or you name it.) If it hinges on things we don’t control or it’s externalized, yikes. If it’s inside out, cool beans.
JD – Thanks for stopping by! One of my favorite coffee shops growing up was named Cool Beans (in SF).
I am with you 100% – if confidence hinges on external factors, that leaves us powerless to make changes to feel good about ourselves. While I can’t say I never base my confidence on external things (good or bad), it is something I try to be aware of and catch myself when I rely on external validation. The book Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, was really helpful for that (for me).
Jenny,
I love your post…the subject is so close to my heart and I can relate to your story and your life. Your writing is brilliant – it’s a great structure behind it making me feel I’m following you step by step. Thank you for sharing your life – it makes a difference of all of us.
Big hug to you!
XO,
Annamaria Poluha
Jenny: This is a beautifully honest post, and I totally know where you’re coming from. Confidence has always been an issue for me, a constant struggle, and recently I decided that I wanted that to change. I wrote this post last month, and vowed to be more confident by my birthday. Well, my birthday is less than two weeks away, and I’ve definitely made progress. I knew I couldn’t do it alone, so I got over the stigma of self help books and bought one. It’s been like a guide map, a great help.
You’re definitely right when you say that confidence is not black and white. It ebbs and flows depending on what’s going on in our lives and how we’re feeling. Becoming more confident is an ongoing process with no defined end. For me, it’s about building a stronger foundation so that when I’m at one of those low points, I have something to fall back on. I wish you the best of luck on your confidence journey. You’re a wonderful person! (If you ever want to chat, just let me know
)
Thank you Sam! These types of posts are always the hardest for me to hit “publish” on. I’ve written a few and hesitate to share with the world, sometimes because they capture a moment in time – not necessarily who I am at all times. That said, I enjoy when others can be open, honest, and vulnerable – it’s what makes us human. So I’m striving to do more of that on my blog.
I love that you set a goal to be more confident by your birthday, and that you feel like you’ve made progress! Huge congrats. What book did you buy? I love self-help books
I also love what you said about building a strong foundation so that when the low points come (which they will) we’re not totally bottoming out. Best of luck with your confidence journey too!
Confidence comes easily in Highschool and College because there are constant sources of external validation.
In highschool teachers will consistently validate an intelligent student expressing near gratitude for their abilities. Sports inclined students see a constant wave of confidence boosting validation for their performance on highschool teams.
College is alot of the same, constant positive feedback for doing well academically and for doing well in sports.
College even adds an additional dimension, constant positive feedback from your peers for your ability to binge drink.
Problem is that all of these sources of positive feedback are all externally validated, and more often than not many of those feedback sources disappear after college.
The quarterlife crisis is a direct result of being confident on the back of others, being confident on the basis on an externally validated positive feedback loop. Once the loop collapses, the confidence goes with it.
Hi Marc – Thanks so much for stopping by, and for leaving such an insightful comment. I was thinking about many of the same things as I wrote this post. High school and college were clearly mapped out (I was an active student and athlete). The measures of success, again problematic in that they were external, were very clear. I think that set me up for some of the shocks I felt earlier this year.
I think not having clear-cut validation is shocking for some (myself included!), and part of the maturation process is realizing that true confidence and love has to come from inside.
Thanks again for your comment
Hi Jenny,
This is my first time on your blog. Was referred by Jun Loayza after asking him WHO I should be reading right now.
Enjoyed your post. I think the same things at the end of each yoga class (my instructor is really good)… now if I could just keep the love & confidence going all day long.
I’m looking forward to reading more.
Jenny! This post is so true. I think driven people (especially women) are really hard on themselves and continually struggle with confidence. You mentioned the book “20 something, 20 everything” earlier. I also found that book helpful when I was in one of the troughs of my 20-something roller coaster.
You are fabulous, and don’t you forget it!
[...] Unconditional love [...]
Carlos, J-Money, Positively Present, Annamaria, Kimling and Trina – thank you ALL for your amazing comments and support. I didn’t reply directly but know that I am feeling the love! Thank you for stopping by and for leaving such kind words on this post – it really means a lot
Jenny, it was very interesting to hear about the “decision” you made about confidence in 9th grade. Were you popular in high school? I’d love to see a post about that…it’s something no one talks about but all of us lived through popularity/non-popularity in high school and I would love to read an honest post about that!
Also, one way I boost my confidence is by developing relationships with mentors who have been through life and who can tell me that it will all be okay (parents do not count).
Something I left out in my last comment – I’ve found that the fall from “fake” confidence (externally validated confidence) is more precipitous the higher the fake/real confidence ratio gets.
It’s especially bad when you are one of those “Learn by running into things eyes down and head first” kind of people
I went through 6 months of hell about a year after I graduated. Hurt alot of people and ruined some good relationships
I haven’t had any real confidence-shaking moments yet (I’m only 23, my quarter-life crisis is probably on the horizon), but I can definitely relate to that feeling of wanting to achieve more RIGHT NOW and feeling a bit helpless about either not knowing how or knowing how and knowing that it’s going to take a while.
So I love/hate to hear that you’re going through this. Love it because to me you are someone who’s pretty damn accomplished – between the job, the house, the marathon, the general attitude, I think there’s a lot about your life that is something for me to strive for – so if you’re going through this then I’m not a crazy for having the occasional moment of wondering where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. Hate because if you’re going through it then how is anyone supposed to avoid it! Oh and because I like you and want you to feel good about yourself
[...] like to thank Jenny Blake for inspiring this post today. Thank you and keep on keeping [...]
I constantly have a struggle with my own confidence and feeling of self-worth. You hit it on the head when you wrote this: “Love yourself IF you are successful, productive, in-shape, and in a relationship. Somehow those became the new conditions.” For some reason, all my life, I’ve felt this way, that confidence is based on external conditions. I still can’t get around this habit. If you find a way, please let me know.
In my experience, self-doubt is the #1 killer of confidence. Self-doubt is mind and spirit poisen. While everyone on this planet experiences self-doubt, the key is to systematically eradicate self-doubt, which lives in our head. How do we do it? By “trading up” our thoughts. The moment we feel “bad” or any negative emotion, it’s an indicator that our thoughts are out of whack – they’re being attacked by self-doubt. Our job is to consciously shift from negative thougths to slightly more empowering ones. When we do this, we feel a little bit better, and we drop kick self-doubt out of our head, at least temporarily. Great topic and great post Jenny!
i completely get what you are saying. i just finished out a really good post graduation summer, working in the town i went to school in. the first half was amazing (and the semester leading up to it). i made some really solid connections with people and just lived the sweet life. everything made sense. i graduated, and summer was the same: grilling, disc golf, going to the pool, and everything just a really great time.
but something happened and now i feel awkward, similar how one might feel in a place where they know no one. i just am not sure where to start, as it feels like im starting all over again.
[...] by comparing yourself to other people. They’re them. You’re you. Love yourself for who you are. End of [...]