Dating: Do you go for Quality or Quantity?

Well, I’m coming up on my 4th wedding anniversary. Where did I meet my wife? MySpace. Granted, that’s back when it was ‘the’ social network, but regardless it was on-line. And I’ll admit, I had more success dating women I met on-line than I did in public. Why? Because at the time, the ‘public / party’ me (tattoos, punk rock, swearing, rowdy, etc) was quite a bit different than the ‘private’ me, which was usually nerding out on something. And both of those things were / are who I am.

But I digress….

For the most part, there is no difference between quality and quantity. Yes, going on a million ‘dates’ is a waste of time, but what really constitutes a date anymore? You say you have a lot of activities…are they only females there? Perhaps it’s more of an issue about not being ‘out there’ than the lack of dating.

Just a thought.

Let me start by saying that I am utterly blown away by the conversation on this post today. I find myself speechless by the wisdom, openness, new perspectives and positivity in your comments above.

When I posted this late last night, I felt a weight lifted but was also a little confused, stuck and flabbergasted. After living in my own head about my dating life, at times spinning in circles, I was truly curious about what you would all have to say. Man, did you deliver.

The thing that stood out to me most after reading all of your comments is that if there is anything in our lives that is an art not a science, it is dating, love and relationships.

I really understood and appreciated those of you who said that dating takes effort and some level of quantity; that you have to risk bad dates in order to have good ones, and that sometimes you have to get outside of your comfort zone to meet new people.

Conversely, at the end of the day those of you in a similar boat helped me realize that a focus on quality and small numbers is okay too; that dating is ultimately about doing what feels right – living your life, having fun, keeping the faith and riding out the ups and downs.

You know me and my self help books – I have read about six on dating and relationships that haven’t had HALF the impact (and good humor) that your comments did today. THANK YOU.

Great post, Jenny. I guess I’ll be the lone counterpoint: quantity over quality, ftw!!

Ladies, I am very handsome, make good money, can geek with the best and have a pet goat who is cuddly when not angry. In other words, I’m a catch. Hell, I’ll even watch The Hills with you if you want.

No wonder I *need* to believe in quantity. Life would be too hard otherwise.

Get at me, Troy and I are waiting for you.

Brava for your intelligent and honest commentary about a topic so many “old fashioned” cum modern singles struggle with daily. It gives me hope to know that there are those of us who have not given up on the idea of happily ever after(it does exist folks), instead of settling (read compromising) just because we feel the societal pressure to do so.

What’s your saying – Live Big? I say Love Big and you never know what could happen…

You sound like a hopeless romantic, but that’s a good thing.

At the end of the day, opposites attract, but similarities bind. Play in the pool of shared values and you can’t go wrong.

Hear, hear! I choose quality over quantity every time…and read old-fashioned books, and newspapers. And I listen to LPs. Is the modern world leaving me behind? Perhaps, but totally by choice.

Jenny, your candidness is very refreshing, especially compared to a lot of the self-serving whining out there. I was almost at the end of your post when I thought, gee this sounds like a very decent gal who is almost old-fashioned. And then you said it. As to the guy with the dumb-assesd comment about trading up, it’s a two-way street.

Jenny, you are a catch for any lucky man. I’m a romantic at heart, and I think you are too. It’s going to happen and be incredibly inconvenient. Your life will readjust, and you will be more ready for it than you ever knew. You get to a point where you are ready for someone but waiting for them sucks. The best advice is to keep an open mind and keep going.
PS. I tried online dating too and got frustrated with it. To each his own though.

Haha, Jenny! Are we the same person? I have been talking about the quantity vs quality debate with friends for some time now. The best answer I can think of? Do what’s right for yourself. For me, that’s quality.

I was discussing with my grandmother about dating and relationships. All of my grandparents were married and had children by my age. Courtship and life opportunities were different then for men and women. However, I came to the conclusion that dating isn’t done in the traditional manner anymore (obviously). People go out in groups, find each other online, meet through friends and referral services.

It’s just about living life the way you want to and putting yourself out there (which I’m sure you do!). Hopefully he will come into play when the time is right.

Hi,

Cool post. I like your blog as well, the layout is tres good. Not too sure seeing as I’m from Ireland, but I was told Craigslist is a great way to meet new, sane, fun people!

wow – you certainly do open up the floodgates with it comes to relationships! i think it’s great to literally see the response of the courage it took to put yourself out there!

your comment in regards to “science vs art” – is fascinating – being the geek I am, I’m always looking for new models for relationships – I’m curious if anyone has read a book called “Are You the One for Me?”

a friend of mine was kind to give this book to me a long long long time ago and it’s really managed to stick through several relationships over the years. I’ve even encoded her compatibility matrix exercise as a Google Spreadsheet for anyone who is curious and wants to play around with it – it’ll up the ante to anyone still in favor of online dating

thanks for the inspiration y’all – this is the first template I’ve ever published so hope someone finds it useful!!

A quick thought on the subject of online dating and it being a “quantity” method.

Meeting someone at a coffee shop because of a spark when we crossed eyes is in my opinion selecting solely on the basis of physical attraction (and perhaps a little bit for confidence).

I’ve gone on dates with girls that I’ve met at coffee shops because I felt a spark when our eyes met… never worked out though – The kind of person I need to be happy with is not common and selecting for that person on the basis of “spark” (sexual attraction) alone ends up with a high percentage of misses.

Typically I would class girls met at a club in the category of “likely going to be a bad date” – However, when I’m looking for girls who act a certain way I’ve actually found it easier to find the kind of girl I like at a club – meeting the girl dancing her face off all by herself (stone sober) on the dance floor has worked out more often than not for me (3 out of 4 times resulted in quality dates where at the very least I wanted another date… but I digress).

I would classify online dating in a similar category to the club… When I’ve gone on dates that resulted from online connections I’ve had success (quality dates) when I was selecting on the basis of how strongly their profile description resonated with me. I’ve also had really bad dates with sketchy girls when I broke down and messaged someone because I thought they were really cute.

I agree quality trumps quantity everytime – but I really don’t think eyes locked across the room is the best way of selecting for quality over quantity.

Even though you make a valid point I am afraid that I must disagree. Sounds like someone has a little personality problem and a short fuse.
Girlfriend Dating

That is a tricky subject… One on hand, I often find myself advising others to simply relax and go to dates with the simple goal of having fun and enjoying others company to just practice creating positive dating experiences without putting too much pressure on yourself or the other to immediately know where the dating is going to lead. But on the other hand, I often find myself thinking about my own dating life along the same lines that you have just shared . So in some ways this post hit home with me .

I have never yet tried on-line dating and believe that it is possible to do it the old fashioned way, but I don’t see it necessarily a bad option either. So is your approach unreasonable? I guess time will tell . Wishing you good luck!

hey guys! how’s dating life? here’s a new link to the compatibility matrix template I posted – quite a few of you out in cyberland have been informing me the original link still has not been fixed – i’m really glad some of you are finding ‘Are You the One For Me?” enlightening too – it’s fascinating to go back, see if you’re present to any new attributes, and more importantly, are you LISTENING to your partner!

Let me start by commending you on being brave enough to post this! I have the same issue – my time is limited and I believe in quality and I’m just not finding it. I am much like you – I don’t want it to sound like I’m holding a pity party – but I’m starting to get the feeling that my friend’s saying that “all the good ones are already taken” is starting to ring true.

I have no yet been intrigued enough to try online dating (although I do know of a few serious relationships that came about through this form of dating) but it just seems like another place to find sleeziness. But perhaps I’ll give it a try – as Lululemon says, do one thing a day that scares you. Well it terrifies me…so maybe (just maybe) I’ll give it a shot.

Any updates since this was posted way back in August?

Hey Alisaan (and everyone else still subscribed to the comments on this post – great question (re: updates since I posted).

The biggest change has been in my overall outlook. I’ve been noticing when I’m telling myself negative stories that make me feel less confident or less hopeful (If I just do X, then I will meet someone) and replacing it with positive thoughts like “It will happen” and appreciating all the things I love about being single and having a full life.

I’m also trying to be even more social – going out more and leaving the house even when I’m tired. I’m doing things to increase my self confidence so that when I am out, I’m projecting a happy, positive vibe (taking care of myself, working out). I’m not doing these things with the sole purpose of meeting someone – I’m doing them because they feel good and make me happy. I like working out, being social and meeting new people. Much more so than doing the whole online dating thing. That said, I still haven’t been on any AMAZING dates, but that’s okay. I’ve been on DATES which still counts for something

That’s the short version – it’s probably time for a follow-up blog post on the subject…

Looks like you really opened the floodgates on this one. Great blog. I've tried online dating and while you are likely to get a ton of responses, especially if you are a female, most of the people who are responding to your ad are probably people you wouldn't give the time of day in real life due to some sort of incompatibility. I think some of the best places to meet people are from other friends, work/school, or some sort of club/activity like a running club or the gym.

Hey Connelly! Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts…I
can imagine that you've been pretty heads-down and focused while in your
Ph.D. program. I just keep the faith that things will work out exactly as
they should and that the time we spend working and pursuing big goals is
time well spent. Glad to hear that you're not letting the lack of dating get
you down any more…I definitely have had some low moments where I wondered
what was wrong with me too. Now I'm just glad to have some clarity of
thought around the benefits of being single. I hope you had a great weekend,
and may we both find someone great some day!

“Is it also so wrong to think that instead of mechanically arranging a first date based on my online dating resume that someone will see me from across a room in a coffee shop, think I look interesting, take a risk and come say hello?”

It’s the 21st century. How about you YOU do the approaching? Maybe your chances will improve.

Also, IMO there are women who could do more to make themselves approachable in public. Do you wear headphones, scowl or do anything else that would keep men from approaching you?