I’ve been loathe to cover details of my dating life on my blog for fear that my FH (future husband) will read them and get scared away. Well, the time has come for me to share, so the future hubby is just going to have to be charmed by my transparency.
The confession
I am living in a dating desert. The last time I went on a third date? When my ex-boyfriend and I started dating in the fall of 2006. Did you hear me?? 2006! We broke up a year and a half ago, in March of 2008. I think I could count the total number of dates I’ve had since then on one hand (okay one hand and two fingers). It’s not like I’m purposefully not dating - I actually want to be in a relationship.
This is not a pity party
Before I continue, let me make it clear that I am not looking to psycho-analyze every possible reason I am single. And this post is NOT a pity party. I’m sure many people have been single for much longer than me.
Most of the time I really enjoy my singlehood – but a good cuddle on the couch would be nice too. I am not sorry that I’ve been on exactly two second dates in a year and a half (during one of which the guy told me, “Women are like cars – better to lease then trade up when you’re done.”).
I think the “dating desert” comes from my preference for quality over quantity. Some might call that being picky. I call it “I enjoy my life and someone has to be pretty cool (with chemistry) to fit in it.” My time is precious. I have more activities I enjoy and people to see than free hours in the week. While I would love to meet someone, I’m just not that into the idea of artificially stuffing MORE activities or random people into my schedule with that as my sole goal.
Have you tried online dating?!
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, likes to ask me if I’ve tried online dating. Yes. Twice. And I lost my patience after three weeks both times. I hated the feeling of having a “dating inbox” that caused me to obsess over what was in it every day, often filling up with sleazy messages like “You look like fun – let’s have some.” I also didn’t have any chemistry with the people I met in person. Someone will inevitably then add, “But I went on 30 bad dates until I met THE ONE!”
Call me crazy, but I don’t particularly want to go on 30 bad dates in the hopes of having one good one. Is that so wrong? Is it also so wrong to think that instead of mechanically arranging a first date based on my online dating resume that someone will see me from across the room in a coffee shop, think I look interesting, take a risk and come say hello?
Is my approach unreasonable?
I ask these questions not with frustration, but with curiosity. Am I expecting too much? Is online dating and scheduling less-than-exciting-but-hey-I-left-the-house dates just how it works these days?
I still subscribe to two newspapers (the kind that get thrown onto your doorstep, not delivered to your feed reader); I still like to hold books in my hand (no offense Kindle), and I still believe in chance meetings, locked eyes across the room, and the thrill of talking to someone in public by our own nervous volition. Call me old-fashioned, but that’s just how I roll. Hopefully if I haven’t scared the FH away by now, he’ll appreciate that.
Related posts you might like:
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- The #1 Theory to Enhance Your Dating Life – Guest Post by Ryan Stephens Share Editor’s Note: I was blown away by the response...
First I’ll say it’s quite brave to put yourself out there with a confession like this.
Second, I’m with you on the quality vs. quantity thing. Life is too short to be wasted on people who you don’t resonate with right off the bat. Testing the waters by dating whomever is there, or online dating even, is more of a waste of time and energy (and most likely money) than we have to spend.
In my train of thought, if I live who I am and someone comes along that resonates with that and all things align (place, time, etc.) then it’s a good thing and worth making space in your life for that. Otherwise, well sometimes you have to let go of people who resonate with you cause of unaligned place/time or if they never resonated in the first place – well…
Hey Carl!
Thanks for stopping by. I have had this post bottled up for months – always afraid to post. I don’t know that intellectually there is anything I can do that I haven’t tried to address the “dating desert” – this seems like something left up to the universe to decide (exactly what you said about having time, place and person align). Given that, I might as well (try to) add value for my readers in the meantime! I’m so curious to hear other perspectives on this topic.
I’m glad to hear that you favor quality vs. quantity too…I am not alone!
I completely agree that life is too short to be spent with people who you don’t resonate with. For some people, online dating is fun and exciting. For me it wasn’t. So I made a personal choice not to continue. No matter how much mass dating numbers might help, it just didn’t feel right to me.
Thanks again for your comment – have a great day!
Jenny
Great post! I commend you for putting your thoughts out there about this topic. As for dating, well, I’m not all that good at giving advice on that topic. I’ve never tried online dating but I have a friend who has had a great experience with it so I wouldn’t knock it (but I’m not quite sure it’d be for me). As for quality vs. quantity, definitely go for quality! Right now I’m reading “How To Be Single” — it’s a novel but it’s pretty funny in parts. You should check it out!
Jenny -
Another home run. I feel that the more you put of yourself and the more that you step out of your comfort zone – more people will resonate with your message.
As for dating, it will happen. Stay vigilant – someone will come out of nowhere!
- Rich
Good for you posting this… since I started dating again it’s been SUPER awkward and I can’t muster the bravery to blog about it
Honestly, I’ve done both casual dating and purposeful internet dating. They’ve both got their pro’s and con’s, but I definitely feel like meeting as many people as possible whether it’s though normal day to day interaction or through the internet is important to finding someone worth hanging out with, or in your case, cuddling on the couch with.
It’s funny how dating can be the most exhilarating thing in the world when you meet someone that you just click with and then the next night it can be the most loathsome activity ever when you meet someone different and think “what was I thinking going out on a date with this fool?” Do you know how many times I’ve driven home from dates and sworn off dating all together… haha
I do feel like approaching someone in real life (coffee shop) is more rewarding if you get talking to the person and it leads somewhere. People get so wrapped up in their own lives that that might happen less, but even I will have some success with that every so often.
Great post Jenny!
Hey Jenny!
We are in the same boat. I haven’t given up on online dating and keeping all my options open but instead getting creepy messages in my inbox, I’ve come across screen names that just tell it all, such as KingCobra, Fun2Bone, and ThickMeat. So, I definitely understand your aversion to it.
-ChaChanna
I was always the quality over quantity type, and still am. Although I have a confession – the guy I’ve dated for the last 2.5 yrs? Met him at a frat party, through a couple friends who decided to set us up. So I guess the big thing for me was to get out of my comfort zone; it helps you meet people you might never have met, and increases the chances of good things happening!
Wooo, Jenny, it’s like you took the words out of my mouth. I actually wrote a two part post on dating in July, but you really put it together better than I did. I hate dating just for the sake of it, so we are on the same page. If you ask me, NO, you’re not asking too much.
A lot of people (not all) out there date aimlessly because a) they’re bored, b) everyone is doing it so they need to do it to have something to say, and/or c) they are not comfortable with themselves so they need to fill in a void. And I’m constantly shocked by how dysfunctional some of these relationships are, even if they appear great from the outside. HOW did some of these people manage to get together?? Baffles my mind.
As for the online dating: I will say this. It can and does work if you keep your standards high. However, I personally believe it’s harder to get anywhere with it now because many online dating sites have become saturated as opposed to 4 or 5 years ago when it was taboo. It often feels like you might as well go to a bar and meet someone there. Anyone who does it needs to keep an open mind while being cautious (as with any other method).
Great post, Jenny!
Oh lord. Once I graduated college, I thought I’d never meet anyone quality EVER AGAIN. In my case, I did try online dating. I ended up going on three web-initiated dates. The third time was the charm. I talked with him for at least a month online before deeming him worthy of meeting up with in person. Dude’s now my husband.
But sometimes, I definitely wish we had met randomly in a coffee shop. It seems as if it would have been more exciting that way. Less…contrived.
God, I hope there are still people meeting that way.
Girl, that’s how I roll too!
Although I went through a breakup about six months ago (I haven’t been on a date yet) so I feel like I’m in the okay zone but I too, am picky and really believe in old fashioned meeting and chemistry. That means, not online. Now, if it happens online, that’s great. I will go with it, but I’m not talking about Match.com, maybe I connect with someone in my area on Twitter, we talk a lot, converse and then meet up. That’s okay to me. But I just think that “Trying” to find a date or go to every social outing like I’m available and ready isn’t my style. Maybe that means the dates will be few and far between. Although I’m sometimes frustrated, I have to trust.
Do you have a lot of trust that it will happen? I do but it’s nice to hear from other people that even amongst the darkness there IS light!
This is a good post and I like your honesty and relationship thoughts. Gives me ideas!
Hey Jenny, found your blog through Brazen. Good post. Personally, I can’t stand online dating because of how it skews in favor of women, but I do think it has it’s merits. For example, it can work well for busy professionals who don’t go to typical singles hotspots. If you’re getting lame emails from dudes, I’d examine your profile to see what message you’re putting out there to attract them. The better written your profile, the better quality guy you will attract. I can recommend the blog at evanmarckatz.com.blog, Evan is an online dating expert. Cheers!
I suppose I’m an extreme case of quality over quantity.
Generally, I don’t date. Dates always seemed so contrived to me, like an interview for job I’m not sure I want. I insist on letting relationships happen organically, I’m not going to go looking for anyone. I just want to meet as many people as possible, male and female, and let them gravitate to whatever roles are most appropriate in my life, whether it’s friend, S.O., acquaintance, or stranger.
Maybe the difference is that I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I am fiercely protective of my time these days and I shamelessly want to spend it all on myself. I feel like I have far too much going on, building a career and personal life I want, and right now a girlfriend would derail all that.
The times in my life I’ve been in relationships have been the stressful and confusing, but I suppose I’ve just never been with the right person. No, I won’t bear 30 bad dates either. To be honest, I suspect I’ll be blindsided by a relationship when I’m not looking for it.
In my experience, people generally don’t walk across coffeeshops to talk to strangers. I’ve never done it, I don’t know anyone who met their S.O. that way. Maybe I’m a moron but I don’t know how to just go sit with a stranger when there’s no precedent.
After all, in a situation like that, all you know about the person is how they look, and I don’t think that’s such a great benchmark for deciding who’s interesting. I’d think you’d be more likely to attract people who are interested in you on a superficial level in that way. For me, there has to be an established common ground that arises naturally out of some kind of purposeful interaction, like work or class or some other situation that lets you know a bit about the person.
Anywhere, there’s my take, from someone who abhors quantity in the dating sense.
Great post Jenny. You and I have talked about this topic many times and you know I can sympathize. I am like the Moses of your dating desert; I keep telling you about the promised land, but can’t seem to find it myself. Please trust that I keep marching boldly on in part because of you. The knowledge that there are amazing women like you out there who are waiting for FH to saunter up at the coffee shop gives me hope. Take comfort in the fact that your FH will be a strong man (you will not settle for less) therefore he can take reading what you have just written and smile.
David,
totally true my friend “I suspect I’ll be blindsided by a relationship when I’m not looking for it.”
Like Ryan I am also the exception to the rule. I started out just being into school, sports, friends, etc..it was never really all about girls for me. Met someone in my first year of college and we became really good friends. No biggie. The next year after a summer apart we just hit it off and grew closer. Started dating and got married 5 days after we graduated college…at the age of 21…almost 11 years ago! One girl, one life, one love. Not a popular thought among guys who typically want to “date” (yes i put that in quotes) 30 girls a year, but it worked for me. In my case my career building happened after the girl, so we both grew our careers together.
I would partially disagree with one thought on here and thats that you must pick one…a career or a relationship. I feel if one goes into it thinking that then they’re right, it will never work. I’d suggest to just let life happen and not force or hinder love in any way. Besides you may think that your career/personal goals is the most important thing right now, but once weighed against love or adventure or whatever else you want, you might make a different choice.
Here a little test I do every now and then. Its almost impossible to do this right since many (including myself) can’t truly detach themselves from, well, themselves. Try to imagine yourself looking back at your life. Through the eyes of your older self, are the choices you are making now still the ones you would have made if you could do it again. This would mean you almost have to guess what you would be like in the future. Kinda crazy I know.
Thanks for a nice thought provoking post Jenny. All the best to everyone in their search for the right balance. There is no magic equation to life or love, there is only your equation.
-Chaalz
Wow I wrote another novel for a comment. I did that on copyblogger earlier today, and on my own blog last night. Too many words in my head. These opinions have to go somewhere!
Jenny: I love this post, so well written and candid! Personally, I don’t think your outlook is unrealistic at all. It’s totally fair of you to not want to go on 30 bad dates, even if it means finding one good one. And I can’t blame you for being skeptical of the online dating scene. It works for some people, but not everyone. The truth is that someone you date will end up being your “FH,” so go right ahead and be picky. That way, when you commit to that person, hopefully you won’t have any regrets.
One more thing, I am a living example of ‘when you stop looking for love, it will find you.’ I met my boyfriend when neither of us was at all interested in a relationship, and now we’ve been together for more than 4 years. So, you never know
I read this anecdote a while back about a ceramics professor who divided his class into two groups. One group, he told that their grade would be based on quantity. The other, on quality. The first group turned out far more pieces overall than the latter, but the surprise was that in addition to producing a whole lot of crap, the first group also made the highest quality pottery in the end. (Google Mike Arauz for a better story.)
I liken this to a saying my mother liked to use back when I was dating and not having much luck: “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.”
I don’t think this necessarily means you have to go on 30 bad dates in hopes of finding the one good one–in fact, I have issues with “dating” in general, because I think it’s an incredibly contrived, forced ritual that doesn’t get you anywhere anyhow–but I do believe if a relationship is something you sincerely want to pursue, you should put yourself in a position to meet more men, and specifically the kind of men you are more likely to be interested in. You don’t have to date every man that you meet, but if you aren’t meeting men, you aren’t going to be dating any of them. Join a club. Pick up a hobby. And even if you don’t get a boyfriend out of it, you’ll still be having fun.
Awesome post and way to put yourself out there!
I originally tried dating numerous different people and realized I wanted more out of the relationships. I took a short dating break to reflect and figure out what qualities I really desired in a FW. Then I put myself in social situations, joined multiple clubs, and tried activities to put me in places that had girls with those qualities. Online dating wasn’t big back then, but even now, I’d have faith in the old fashioned way of meeting people. After about four years of continually looking, I found the most wonderful women right under my nose. My best friend who I thought was my girl…friend (Ophelia’s Webb) actually was a perfect match! I never suspected it!
In my opinion, the best thing to do is continue to reach out and be social without getting discouraged or loosing that confidence, but understand that you’ll probably find your FH when you least expect it! Love is blind!
Haha, thanks for the shout out. Maybe I should copyright that phrase?
I’m honestly kind of surprised to see everyone nodding their heads in agreement in this comments section.
I kind of have to agree with the guy a few posts above me– “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I am fiercely protective of my time these days and I shamelessly want to spend it all on myself. I feel like I have far too much going on, building a career and personal life I want”
I have so much going on lately I don’t even have time to breathe. I’m not complaining, because I love that everything I’m doing is part of getting what I want out of life, but I can barely manage my own life — I have no desire to be accountable to anyone else. I can only focus on my priorities right now. Selfish? Maybe. But in your 20s, why should you not focus on yourself? Why is everyone in a hurry to get into a relationship all the time?
That’s not to say I don’t date- I do. But I don’t really do “relationships” and that’s the way I prefer it. I think there is a difference between “dating” and “relationships.” Not everything needs to lead to a relationship. I know there are people who think casual dating is crazy but I’d have to disagree there.
Just don’t read any of those “The Rules” or “Why Men Like Bitches” books. I honestly think they are completely useless. Here is an interesting article on them: click here .
Pats on the back for writing this post and putting yourself out there. Your FH probably feels the same way right about now. I bet he’s thinking the same thing, “When will I ever meet The One?” I agree with you though. I don’t like just filling up my time trying to meet new people and spend time with extra people. I feel like that mixes me up more than anything else. Anyway, I’d say just do what feels right for you and it’ll come.
“Call me crazy, but I don’t particularly want to go on 30 bad dates in the hopes of having one good one. Is that so wrong?”
Nobody (or at least, nobody worth your time) wants to go on bad dates. But if you aren’t willing to risk the bad dates then how can you ever hope to experience a good one? After all, you certainly wouldn’t agree to the date in the first place if you could predetermine that it would be bad.
Everybody wants the magical “we looked across the room, our eyes met, and sparks leapt between us. and we knew, right then, that this was someone meaningful” first meeting. But, meeting that right person under less auspicious circumstances doesn’t make the relationship any cheaper. You’ve finally found your life partner! Who cares how you met??
That being said, you yourself said that you’ve tried the online dating thing. Sounds like the pickings were slim and sleazy. Filtering the wheat from the chaff in online may be more time and stress than its worth. But, be careful not to let this experience prevent you from taking the chances that may prove most fruitful.
Very bold of you to post what you did.. I like it!! well the only thing I have to say… is that I am married going on 11 yrs… my grandmother gave me some advice before getting married.. she said I’m happy that your marrying for love but next time marry for money.. that’s what I did with your grandpa..
of course I was like ok ok… I would never do such thing…. well believe me you… if there is a next time.. I’m so going with her advice.. LoL! =D
Love your blog btw =D
Great outlook on dating, Jenny. I will definitely forward this on to all my single friends.
I am a bit of a skeptic though… and I might have to just say it: dating is dead
People are hooking up before the dating actually happens, in which case, is it the actual dating that you are referring to? (the romance, the locked eyes across the room, etc)?
Ah Jenny, I love your post so much I want to snuggle with it to keep me warm at night.
I have just recently become blatantly vocal about the fact that I have not been in a serious relationship for over 10 years (Nov of 1998 to be exact.) I live a life of quality not quantity. 10.5 years later, however, I have some caution to advise. The first being the whole “don’t look for love, it will find you, etc etc.” While I agree to a point (desperation has never looked good on anyone, even a brunette Elle Woods (not that you are desperate, man, this is a bad hole I’ve dug into here!)) there is also something to be said for not completely giving up on the effort that goes into dating. Heck, I have a guy follow me through a grocery store and I have no idea he’s interested!
The second is that quality is most certainly something to wait for. In a world with 50% divorce rates and people clinging to marriages they are really not thrilled with, finding that true love that makes the world spin and you feel like you might puke is the most important thing to a relationship. I had a friend who was left 2 weeks before her wedding. A few months later, the boy who would be a bastard otherwise told her one of the best things I’ve ever heard in relationship speak. “It isn’t that we wouldn’t have been happy together, I could have lived my whole life loving you. I just knew we both would be HAPPIER with someone else.” That’s love.
Third, have fun! Dating is seriously like guerrilla warfare sometimes. I tried online dating, though I gotta say the pickins are slim up here in Maine. Still, I keep picking myself up and dusting myself off. You gotta persevere and believe, which are two things you’ve got going for you.
*I shall now step down from this beautiful soap box*
Elisa, you bring up a good point about the “don’t look for love, it will find you” thing. Anything worth having usually isn’t going to be easy to get. I’ve had plenty of times where I put no effort or I was completely oblivious. So I can attest that zero effort is NOT the way to go.
I think the gist here is even when you’re not actively looking, it’s important to remain open-minded and friendly. And honestly it does take a lot of work to even remain open-minded about dating.
I’m with Nisha and David on this one. My time is scarce, I’d only shift my focus if someone amazing shows up. So, quality, yeah
Reading some of the comments, I wonder how old posters are. Not in any negative way, I just see theirs as the opinion of the early 20′s set who still have career as the focus and all the time in the world. I am 30, turning 31 and never thought I would be the guy seeing the clock ticking. I thought it would all fall in line for me. But it hasn’t. I am now facing the reality that if I want to meet someone I have to be active about it.
Like many of the commentators, I have done the online dating thing and found it to be tough. You really have to sift through a lot of negatives to find one positive. But it’s what we do. We must be active and meet as many people as possible if we want to find someone. You should expand your circle to increase the chances of meeting a quality person. I have started playing rec league soccer and joined a hiking group. I am also taking a more proactive approach, actually talking to that girl in the coffee shop.
Best of luck to everyone out there and thank you all for the great advice. These comments have all been quality, what a testament to Jenny Blake.
Wow! You sparked quite a discussion here, girl!
This post is freaking awesome. I loved reading it and sympathize with you. Both of us are in different points in our love lives, but honestly, 30 bad dates? No. I personally don’t see that as something that needs to happen.
But what do I know?
(The answer there is “close to nothing”, if you wanted to know!)
The only thing I have to say is… do what feels right.
Some people feel completely at home doing online dating. Other people love going up to an attractive person at a bar. Some like to be friends and all of a sudden make their move. There is no one size fits all.
It will all make sense one day. (I hope!) =) HEART!
I feel like I am the minority among all of us Gen-Y bloggers. I am engaged and getting married on October 10th.
I met my girlfriend at a bar, on cinco de mayo. I met my previous girlfriend at a bar in Canada (5 yrs we dated). You never know where you will meet someone, but you have to remain open to meeting people in random places.
All of you who are single and looking for someone, just know that when you get into a heavy relationship AND are trying to make a name for yourself, it is extremely difficult. I rarely go to bed the same time as my fiancee and we never wake up at the same time. I´ve probably seen her about 10 hours this week, and it’s Friday.
You both have to be very open, honest and candid with each other and know what you are in it for.
I’m behind you Jenny, I’ll find you a keeper
Well, I’m coming up on my 4th wedding anniversary. Where did I meet my wife? MySpace. Granted, that’s back when it was ‘the’ social network, but regardless it was on-line. And I’ll admit, I had more success dating women I met on-line than I did in public. Why? Because at the time, the ‘public / party’ me (tattoos, punk rock, swearing, rowdy, etc) was quite a bit different than the ‘private’ me, which was usually nerding out on something. And both of those things were / are who I am.
But I digress….
For the most part, there is no difference between quality and quantity. Yes, going on a million ‘dates’ is a waste of time, but what really constitutes a date anymore? You say you have a lot of activities…are they only females there? Perhaps it’s more of an issue about not being ‘out there’ than the lack of dating.
Just a thought.
Let me start by saying that I am utterly blown away by the conversation on this post today. I find myself speechless by the wisdom, openness, new perspectives and positivity in your comments above.
When I posted this late last night, I felt a weight lifted but was also a little confused, stuck and flabbergasted. After living in my own head about my dating life, at times spinning in circles, I was truly curious about what you would all have to say. Man, did you deliver.
The thing that stood out to me most after reading all of your comments is that if there is anything in our lives that is an art not a science, it is dating, love and relationships.
I really understood and appreciated those of you who said that dating takes effort and some level of quantity; that you have to risk bad dates in order to have good ones, and that sometimes you have to get outside of your comfort zone to meet new people.
Conversely, at the end of the day those of you in a similar boat helped me realize that a focus on quality and small numbers is okay too; that dating is ultimately about doing what feels right – living your life, having fun, keeping the faith and riding out the ups and downs.
You know me and my self help books – I have read about six on dating and relationships that haven’t had HALF the impact (and good humor) that your comments did today. THANK YOU.
Great post, Jenny. I guess I’ll be the lone counterpoint: quantity over quality, ftw!!
Ladies, I am very handsome, make good money, can geek with the best and have a pet goat who is cuddly when not angry. In other words, I’m a catch. Hell, I’ll even watch The Hills with you if you want.
No wonder I *need* to believe in quantity. Life would be too hard otherwise.
Get at me, Troy and I are waiting for you.
S – To think we’d make it through an entire day without an off-the-wall comment…you just had to, didn’t you?!
Good thing I don’t know where you live (yet) and that your phone rejects my text messages. I’m noticing a pattern here…
Brava for your intelligent and honest commentary about a topic so many “old fashioned” cum modern singles struggle with daily. It gives me hope to know that there are those of us who have not given up on the idea of happily ever after(it does exist folks), instead of settling (read compromising) just because we feel the societal pressure to do so.
What’s your saying – Live Big? I say Love Big and you never know what could happen…
You sound like a hopeless romantic, but that’s a good thing.
At the end of the day, opposites attract, but similarities bind. Play in the pool of shared values and you can’t go wrong.
Hear, hear! I choose quality over quantity every time…and read old-fashioned books, and newspapers. And I listen to LPs. Is the modern world leaving me behind? Perhaps, but totally by choice.
Jenny, your candidness is very refreshing, especially compared to a lot of the self-serving whining out there. I was almost at the end of your post when I thought, gee this sounds like a very decent gal who is almost old-fashioned. And then you said it. As to the guy with the dumb-assesd comment about trading up, it’s a two-way street.
Jenny, you are a catch for any lucky man. I’m a romantic at heart, and I think you are too. It’s going to happen and be incredibly inconvenient. Your life will readjust, and you will be more ready for it than you ever knew. You get to a point where you are ready for someone but waiting for them sucks. The best advice is to keep an open mind and keep going.
PS. I tried online dating too and got frustrated with it. To each his own though.
Haha, Jenny! Are we the same person? I have been talking about the quantity vs quality debate with friends for some time now. The best answer I can think of? Do what’s right for yourself. For me, that’s quality.
I was discussing with my grandmother about dating and relationships. All of my grandparents were married and had children by my age. Courtship and life opportunities were different then for men and women. However, I came to the conclusion that dating isn’t done in the traditional manner anymore (obviously). People go out in groups, find each other online, meet through friends and referral services.
It’s just about living life the way you want to and putting yourself out there (which I’m sure you do!). Hopefully he will come into play when the time is right.
Hi,
Cool post. I like your blog as well, the layout is tres good. Not too sure seeing as I’m from Ireland, but I was told Craigslist is a great way to meet new, sane, fun people!
wow – you certainly do open up the floodgates with it comes to relationships! i think it’s great to literally see the response of the courage it took to put yourself out there!
your comment in regards to “science vs art” – is fascinating – being the geek I am, I’m always looking for new models for relationships – I’m curious if anyone has read a book called “Are You the One for Me?”
a friend of mine was kind to give this book to me a long long long time ago and it’s really managed to stick through several relationships over the years. I’ve even encoded her compatibility matrix exercise as a Google Spreadsheet for anyone who is curious and wants to play around with it – it’ll up the ante to anyone still in favor of online dating
thanks for the inspiration y’all – this is the first template I’ve ever published so hope someone finds it useful!!
[...] Seek quality over quantity. Don’t buy into the notion that life is a popularity contest. People who live like [...]
A quick thought on the subject of online dating and it being a “quantity” method.
Meeting someone at a coffee shop because of a spark when we crossed eyes is in my opinion selecting solely on the basis of physical attraction (and perhaps a little bit for confidence).
I’ve gone on dates with girls that I’ve met at coffee shops because I felt a spark when our eyes met… never worked out though – The kind of person I need to be happy with is not common and selecting for that person on the basis of “spark” (sexual attraction) alone ends up with a high percentage of misses.
Typically I would class girls met at a club in the category of “likely going to be a bad date” – However, when I’m looking for girls who act a certain way I’ve actually found it easier to find the kind of girl I like at a club – meeting the girl dancing her face off all by herself (stone sober) on the dance floor has worked out more often than not for me (3 out of 4 times resulted in quality dates where at the very least I wanted another date… but I digress).
I would classify online dating in a similar category to the club… When I’ve gone on dates that resulted from online connections I’ve had success (quality dates) when I was selecting on the basis of how strongly their profile description resonated with me. I’ve also had really bad dates with sketchy girls when I broke down and messaged someone because I thought they were really cute.
I agree quality trumps quantity everytime – but I really don’t think eyes locked across the room is the best way of selecting for quality over quantity.
[...] few weeks ago Jenny Blake (one of my five daily reads in Google Reader) posted an extremely candid article about her dating life, and the choice between quantity or quality of dates. It was a great article as always, but I was [...]
Even though you make a valid point I am afraid that I must disagree. Sounds like someone has a little personality problem and a short fuse.
Girlfriend Dating
That is a tricky subject… One on hand, I often find myself advising others to simply relax and go to dates with the simple goal of having fun and enjoying others company to just practice creating positive dating experiences without putting too much pressure on yourself or the other to immediately know where the dating is going to lead. But on the other hand, I often find myself thinking about my own dating life along the same lines that you have just shared
. So in some ways this post hit home with me 
.
I have never yet tried on-line dating and believe that it is possible to do it the old fashioned way, but I don’t see it necessarily a bad option either. So is your approach unreasonable? I guess time will tell
. Wishing you good luck!
hey guys! how’s dating life?
here’s a new link to the compatibility matrix template I posted – quite a few of you out in cyberland have been informing me the original link still has not been fixed – i’m really glad some of you are finding ‘Are You the One For Me?” enlightening too – it’s fascinating to go back, see if you’re present to any new attributes, and more importantly, are you LISTENING to your partner! 
Let me start by commending you on being brave enough to post this! I have the same issue – my time is limited and I believe in quality and I’m just not finding it. I am much like you – I don’t want it to sound like I’m holding a pity party – but I’m starting to get the feeling that my friend’s saying that “all the good ones are already taken” is starting to ring true.
I have no yet been intrigued enough to try online dating (although I do know of a few serious relationships that came about through this form of dating) but it just seems like another place to find sleeziness. But perhaps I’ll give it a try – as Lululemon says, do one thing a day that scares you. Well it terrifies me…so maybe (just maybe) I’ll give it a shot.
Any updates since this was posted way back in August?
Hey Alisaan (and everyone else still subscribed to the comments on this post – great question (re: updates since I posted).
The biggest change has been in my overall outlook. I’ve been noticing when I’m telling myself negative stories that make me feel less confident or less hopeful (If I just do X, then I will meet someone) and replacing it with positive thoughts like “It will happen” and appreciating all the things I love about being single and having a full life.
I’m also trying to be even more social – going out more and leaving the house even when I’m tired. I’m doing things to increase my self confidence so that when I am out, I’m projecting a happy, positive vibe (taking care of myself, working out). I’m not doing these things with the sole purpose of meeting someone – I’m doing them because they feel good and make me happy. I like working out, being social and meeting new people. Much more so than doing the whole online dating thing. That said, I still haven’t been on any AMAZING dates, but that’s okay. I’ve been on DATES which still counts for something
That’s the short version – it’s probably time for a follow-up blog post on the subject…
[...] Recommended Posts: “Skills are Cheap, Passion is Priceless,” “Dating: Do you go for Quality or Quantity?“ [...]
Looks like you really opened the floodgates on this one. Great blog. I've tried online dating and while you are likely to get a ton of responses, especially if you are a female, most of the people who are responding to your ad are probably people you wouldn't give the time of day in real life due to some sort of incompatibility. I think some of the best places to meet people are from other friends, work/school, or some sort of club/activity like a running club or the gym.
Hey you're certainly not alone in not dating for years. I haven't really dated anyone during my entire M.S/Ph.D. program at Princeton (since 2006). I'm graduating next year! I did attempt to date some girls, but they weren't really into me, or it didn't go anywhere. It got me down for a while, I figured something was wrong with me. But it is hard, I'm fairly talkative but somewhat shy. I guess as a guy one just has to express interest and then move on if the lady isn't single or there is no connection. Be aggressive that is, not passive. Who knows. I guess one just has to keep trying. Couldn't hurt to flirt as a lady either, with guys you think might be good.
Hey Connelly! Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts…I
can imagine that you've been pretty heads-down and focused while in your
Ph.D. program. I just keep the faith that things will work out exactly as
they should and that the time we spend working and pursuing big goals is
time well spent. Glad to hear that you're not letting the lack of dating get
you down any more…I definitely have had some low moments where I wondered
what was wrong with me too. Now I'm just glad to have some clarity of
thought around the benefits of being single. I hope you had a great weekend,
and may we both find someone great some day!
Really liked this post… probably because I share a very similar perspective.
Funny story regarding online dating: One of my best friends met his now wife through online dating. He received an email introduction to her within 24 hours of signing up for the service… so she was the first and only date he went on.
However, it was pretty much the opposite for her. She had tried and failed several times, over the course of several years before finding “the one”.
Not sure if there's a “moral to the story” anywhere in there, but thought that was pretty interesting nonetheless.