Nov
10

A note of compassion for those pesky things called FEELINGS

I posted last week about my dating (or more accurately non-dating) frustration. Normally I wouldn’t post twice in a row on the same topic, but I’ve felt unsettled this week. Like I’d left something unsaid in that post.

It’s the part about feelings. About FEELING things. About being annoyed or frustrated with myself when I’m feeling sad, or lonely, or anything less than jumping up and down with joy.

And last night, with unwelcome no-clue-where-the-hell-they-came-from-or-how-to-make-them-go-away knots in my stomach, I had a moment of compassion for myself. A moment where I stopped and appreciated the fact that I do have feelings.

I care about people, and I care about myself. I care about living a full life. And when it comes to dating and relationships, I have a big heart. A really big heart. And I care when I’m not sharing it with someone. I have a sinking suspicion that is called being human.

As I’ve said before, I AM living a big, full, happy life. AND there is still a part of it open for a romantic relationship, just like there is always room for dessert after an incredibly satisfying meal (at least for me there is!).

Will all of my problems be solved when I meet someone? Of course not! Do I expect the next relationship to last forever? Not really – there are no guarantees in this life.

Here is what I do know: I am grateful for the 10 percent (plus or minus on any given day) of myself that wants to be with someone. That longs to share things like Monday Night Football and holiday parties and how was your day conversations.  I’m not even talking marriage (though I wouldn’t complain if the FH popped up out of nowhere). I’m just talking switch-it-up-a-little from the single life.

And this is where the compassion comes in: I am grateful for the part of me that can’t wait to laugh with someone, to support them and encourage them and have them do the same for me. Instead of feeling ashamed by that, or like there is something wrong with me for not intellectually rationalizing away my desire for companionship, I am going to embrace it as a strength. A strength that represents one of my core values of connecting with people. Connecting on a deep level to grow and help make each other’s lives better (in a don’t-worry-we’re-totally-whole-to-begin-with kind of way).

So maybe the knots do serve a purpose - they are teaching me to treat myself and my feelings with respect and compassion – as I would for any friend, or any one of you. I encourage you to do the same.

***

P.S. For those of you tired of me whining about my dating life, I promise to bring back some very handy templates and tips…ASAP!

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  • rob
    solid post. I agree. totally. Give yourself credit for being honest with yourself. The fact that you really want this in your life is not a contradiction to your happiness with who you are everyday, but instead and as you point out, it is consistent with your desire to share, grow, put your big heart into play. It's quite obvious you are not someone who needs to splash color in a bored life.

    I am jealous you got it down to 10% though.

    and good luck :) !
  • Rob - thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. Sometimes I forget to give
    myself credit for being honest - and yet, when I do let myself feel the way
    I want, I feel so relieved. As for the 10% - I'd say it's definitely plus or
    minus on any given day! Some days it feels like +90% ;-) Best of luck to you
    too - and thanks again for stopping by.
  • Elle
    Such a wonderful perspective. Thank you for your insight, Jenny. Desire for companionship is a strength...it is not a weakness!

    Why do I think being in a relationship is so great? For one, it really helped me cut down on my binge drinking ;)That's all I can think of for now.
  • Dear Jenny Blake, my friend and blogger inspiration.

    Thank you for putting into words, things that I could never admit :) It's hard to be a robot all day long... it's unfortunate that I'm getting so good at it!

    <3,
    s
  • JD - I love that line of questioning! I used it yesterday during my 30-minute morning swim. I had a lot on my mind and went through each question: what do I want? What do I think? What do I feel? All three questions resulted in really different answers and it helped me sort through everything much easier. Thanks! Might have to share that with readers in a future post (with credit to you, of course).

    Ryan & Michael - Hah! Thanks. To me, watching football is like going to the movies (but obviously WAY better. speaking of which, when is football in 3D imax going to arrive?!): fun by itself, even better with someone.

    Dani - Thanks so much for your comment and the RT! Always great to hear from you :)

    Andrea - Thanks so much! I hope all is well with you and the new baby - lets catch up soon :D

    Rebecca - You are absolutely right that we all have choices for our lives, despite the messages we receive from society (and even friends/family) about what milestones we are supposed to hit and when. One of the most compelling pieces I've ever read on the topic of life choices - especially around marriage and children - is called The Referendum (NYT).

    And I'm with you - if opportunity knocks, I'm taking it - even if it comes in unexpected ways. As a friend recently said to me: no risk, no reward.

    Jared - Thanks so much for stopping by - it's great to hear your story and how you evolved to eventually be ready to meet your wife. Congrats on finding her :D I love the quote you shared at the end - so incredibly true.
  • Thanks for Sharing. You're right, feelings (emotions) are neither good or bad, they're just emotions. I found that when I stopped searching for happiness outside myself, through relationships and learned that I possess everything I needed to be happy, things fell into place. Which sounds like you're getting there (10 percent). What is Love To You? The thing is, I can be happy myself, but life is much better when you do find the right person to share it with. But I really had no idea or ability of finding the "right" person until I knew myself totally. And as you say, compassion for oneself. I had no idea how to do that.

    The thing was... for me, I just wanted to be loved and wanted people to like me. I would often settle for sex when want I really wanted was love. I didn't want you to run away or abandon me. Consequently I got into some bad relationships because of that. I was concentrating too much on what I thought people wanted from someone and had no idea how to express my own feelings and emotions. A point of emotionally and spiritual bankruptcy caused me to really concentrate on myself, learn some compassion and build a healthy relationship with myself first. Then I was truly able to have them with others. That's when I met my wife. ;-)

    Once I became independent, self-loving and thus less selfish, I found that in another.

    "Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are."
    -James Allen (As A Man Thinketh)
  • And your desire to watch MNF can only help your chances of snaring your FH :)
    We do live this life through our own unique lens, but it's a lens that distorts with the lenses of other people. Only selfish people force their lens on others.
  • Thanks for this post. It's all right to feel your feelings. It's better than stuffing them down and having them resurface in an unhealthy way.

    I think as a society we are conditioned to believe that we must be married and have kids by a certain age. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. We have choices. You could receive a great career opportunity that will take you across the world or to another state. What would you do? Take it? OR Sit at home waiting for Mr. Right to show up?

    I would like to have a romantic relationship as well, but if opportunity knocks, I'm answering. My Mr. Right could be in another state or country and not in my backyard. This is the way I look at it.
  • Love this post, Jenny, and all of your recent writings :) I love watching you evolve!
  • Love this post! It's hard for me to deal with feelings -- both good and bad ones -- so it's great to read someone else's take on the topic. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself here. It's awesome!
  • The fact that you stated publicly that you want to watch MNF with your man can only help your chances! :)
  • One of my managers always asked, "what's your gut say?"

    It was his way of using the knots as a guide and using intuition as input.

    Another tool I found useful was "the mush separator" -- what do you want? what do you think? what do you feel? ... by teasing those out separately, you get rid of the mush and get more clarity.
  • To all of you - thank you for being amazing and for leaving such great comments. How did I get so lucky?!

    Michael - I admire you thinking, rational types :). My mom is that way and I never realized why we didn't really understand each other - until I came to terms with the fact that she is very rational and data-driven, and I am a walking heart gushing feelings out (happy and sad) all over the place. I think it's great what you said about being considerate of others' types - realizing that we all approach life through our own unique lens.

    Elisa - Hehe! I wrote it before you and I were tweeting, but posted this morning :). In any case, it came from a slow build-up over the last few weeks. Maybe it's a full moon? The dark weather? I don't know, but my cheery optimism went hiding for a little bit yesterday and I just felt melancholy.

    I am sorry to hear that guy was STUPID enough to stand you up twice...in one week! Clearly he has no idea what he's missing. I know exactly what you mean about the defense mechanism - it's scary to admit that sometimes we (I) can't control everything in my life. I think that's why dating frustrates me. I can set goals for exercise, money, my career - but when it comes to dating? I'm at a loss! It's just gonna happen when it happens. And then I get annoyed at myself for being ungrateful about the wonderful life already in front of me.

    Sydney - I love YOU! And I loved your post on sacrifice. BRILLS. Seriously, thank you so much for your comment - it means a lot to know that posts like this don't scare people away...but might actually help you and others realize I have feelings too! It just takes me longer to reflect/write about them... :) And I will GET RIGHT ON the whole finding a man thing. Where's that damn Ryan Stephens' strategy when you need it... ;-)

    Diana - Thank you so much for stopping by! Your comment rings soooo true. All those little frustrations - small in themselves - add up to a bigger pile of disappointment that eventually needs to be addressed. Of course, that's life - but sometimes the pile needs some love and attention so we can actually make it GO AWAY.

    Jessica - I'm so glad the post struck a chord with you. Caring about people and relationships is absolutely human - it's what makes us who we are. AND, I think some people crave that closeness more than others. Happy to hear another vote in the column for "feeling" posts alongside the more technical ones, and know that we're all in this together :)
  • Jessica
    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I definitely needed to read this, especially tonight. Sometimes I have a difficult time justifying my feelings and get too hard on myself for wanting to share those "how-was-your-day" conversations with someone. I often think I care and value friendships/relationships too much, but after reading this post I realized that it is all part of being human and all part of who I am.
    Although I enjoy your other posts (the templates and such), hearing (rather, reading) what you're going through is helpful/encouraging. Thanks again!
  • Jenny, thanks so much for writing and posting this. I've been in this same spot so often lately, when it seems like I'm living in some bullshit world of text hookups and missed connections and so much posturing that it makes me want to surgically remove my empathy glands (pretend those exist) and be as cool and heartless as everybody else. In fact, just last night I saw this guy that I had been hoping to start a relationship with but hadn't seen in a while, and it didn't go my way at all, and I've been in a funk all day about it. Your post really clarifies for me why that was such a hard interaction and why it's affected me so much. It's not about him; it's because I crave human connections, and I need to honor how I feel when that falls through. And you're reminding me that I'm just fine the way I am. So thank you for that. :)
  • I love you. What is up with the girly posts this week (and last for me)? I'm all writing about how I won't sacrifice my career and now I'm in the middle of writing this big fat post about why I'm so closed off to possibly meeting Mr. Awesome.

    Is there something in the water? Must be. Anyway - this post is fab. You should write stuff like this more often. I love the templates (I have the best budget EVER thanks to your recos) and practical "what to do when..." advice for life - but I feel like I KNOOOOOW you after reading this.

    So ::applause:: thank you. End scene.

    Now go find a man so you can write about him and I can live vicariously through you.

    Love your face!
  • Haha Jenny, where did this come from last night? Was it you helping me whine about boys standing me up and quests for finding Mr. Right? Cause I know that you and Susan DEFINITELY helped me from being in a bad place about those pesky things called feelings. As of last night (after being stood up not once but TWICE in the same week for a date WITH THE SAME PERSON) I was ready to swear off of feelings totally!

    That being said, I'm gonna do one of those "I agree so much" things and say that all too often we forget to be grateful for wanting to find someone to be happy with. Please note, not someone to make us happy, but to be happy with.

    I know I do it as a defense mechanism for both my own thoughts and the imposition of others' thoughts. If I'm all confidence and cool and my usual analytical/methodical approach then I'm safe. I'm not in a relationship because *I* choose and heck, who wants to be in a relationship anyways?! It's much easier than having to explain that I'm not DESPERATE but yes, I would like to have someone in my life.

    Does this make any sense? Am I as incoherent as I was last night? Is this thing on? :P
  • Wow. I'm your complete opposite. Instead of a capital f FEELER, I completely trust my thought process and ability to rationalize. It annoys the hell out of my super f FEELER friends because they don't understand me and I don't understand them. For me, my feelings are there but there's always a more rational way to go about approaching a situation or friendship. Sometimes it coincides with those feelings, other times not so much so.

    But I do agree that we need to increase our compassion in general and consider people not exactly as robotic as myself, since I'm probably a special case. The more we are considerate of other's, regardless of my personal lack of feelings, the more harmonious my relationships become.
  • Ryan - I love that when I read your comments now, I know what you're like in person. Amazing, motivated, and with a strong head on your shoulders. Given all that, your comment means even more to me - thank you!

    Sam - Same for you! So great to be able to hang out last week, be with you in person, and hear your stories live (over cupcakes, might I add). I really like what you said about remembering to still live each day to the fullest - definitely something I try to do. And your comment about the FH hurrying up made me laugh out loud. Thanks for putting a smile on my face :D

    Jamie - Heart! As always, coming from you I take the fact that this is one of your favorites as the highest compliment. I can't wait to hang out and see you - in December, March, and whenever we plan our trip of world dominating amazingness!!! Until then, here's to embracing our "softer" side.

    David - Wow - your post took the words right out of my mouth! Gotta love that about being a 20-something blogger - someone's probably already said the same thing with a few tweaks here and there. Goes to show how universal things like FEELINGS really are. Glad I'm not the only one who has trouble acknowledging them at times.

    As for doing a lot of feeling last night, you know me :) Funny that you are an ENFJ, because that's where it comes from (for me at least). This is super nerdy, but as I learned in Myers Briggs training last week, ENFJ's dominant trait is "Extroverted Feeling" - which in my case means I'm a walking feeling machine, looking to find meaning in people and relationships. Sigh...might as well embrace it, even when it annoys the hell outta me (per your post). BTW - love the picture you chose :)
  • Wow. Where did all of that come from? You must have been doing a lot of "feeling" of things last night. Great post though. It's ok to have a feeling here or there, we are all guilty of it. Speaking of which, you'll love this post...

    http://diamondkt.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-unfore...

    By the way, my favorite show is The Office. Although you must have watched one hell of an Office episode last night to awake today all refreshed with a whole new outlook on life! ;)
  • This is absolutely one of my favorite posts from you. Thank you for sharing this. I am now going to respect my own feelings more. With all the time I spend trying to explain away why I feel a certain way, I can spend that time being thankful that I actually react and care and DESIRE. Nothing to be ashamed of there.

    I'm with ya on this, girl! HEART.
  • Sam
    This is beautiful, Jenny! I think it's awesome that you're cutting yourself a break and recognizing that it's okay to have feelings. It's okay to take a break from being Superwoman and accept that you are human. You shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting someone to share your days with, as long as you make sure to keep making the most of every day regardless of when you find that person. Having now met you IRL, I can definitively say that you are a beautiful person inside and out, and wherever your FH may be, he has no idea just how lucky he is...otherwise he'd hurry up and get here already :)
  • Never ignore feelings. That is probably the worst thing you can do. You need to embrace them, and use them to your advantage in whatever situation you may find yourself in.

    I've seen so many people bounce from relationship to relationship because they 'have' to be in one. You benefit from not doing that because you don't need that to be fulfilled in life. When the time comes and you have it, it will be even better.

    Just keep being you Jenny. Our breakfast and talk @ Google showed me just what type of person you are, and someone is going to end up a very happy man when they find you.
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