Earlier this week a reader wrote to me with the following question that shouted “bring it to the people!” – particularly since I’m a Libra – known to be indecisive. I’ll share some of my tips, then I would love to hear from you in the comments!
Jenny – could you write about decision making? I’m probably the most indecisive person on the planet. I’ve realized that maybe this is stemming from a much deeper problem − like an unwillingness to commit to something. It usually causes me to stress out about things that I wish I didn’t. It can range from a huge life decision “Should I graduate early?” or “Does God exist?” to “What should I make for dinner today?” or “How does this outfit look?” How do people make these decisions and why can’t i do it?!
Jenna
6 of my Decision-Making Strategies (to kick-off the brainstorming):
- Get crystal clear on your values and goals. These are your compass to keep you on track and point you in the right direction.
- Ask yourself broad but direct questions: What do I really want? What is important to me about that? What do I know in my gut to be true?
- As Martha Beck would say, focus on what feels “shackles off” versus “shackles on.” As you weigh your decision, picture yourself playing out each version. Think about what feels freeing versus suffocating. What excites you most? What factors are you considering based on fear versus based on your true values and desires? (For more: see Steering by Starlight book notes)
- Consult trusted advisers – but not too many, too early or too often. Consulting a few close advisers (friends, family or co-workers) on important decisions can give you a sounding-board for when you’re stuck. The best advisors can help you think through each aspect of a decision from a neutral place. Just be careful not to rely on them too heavily or you will end up creating so much noise that you drown out your own gut instincts.
- Get quiet so you can hear yourself think. Give yourself space to reflect – I do my best thinking/processing while running, swimming, writing and driving. What works best for you?
- Trust: trust your gut and that the right decision will become clear when you’re ready. One day you will wake up and just know. The decision will make itself at exactly the right time. Until then, try to relax a little bit.
Your turn: any advice for Jenna on how you make decisions or on how you commit to those decisions with confidence? I’m really looking forward to hearing from all of you – I have no doubt that your combined wisdom will be far more valuable than anything I could come up with on my own!
No related posts.
Jenny,
Great points, especially number six. Because if you do not trust your decision you will be easily stopped from reaching it by the naysayers. And there seems to be no shortage of naysayers.
One of my favorite quotes is, ” Don't get your directions from someone who's never been where you want to go.”
I also wanted to add that if Jenna is stressed by the decision/goal that she break it down in smaller “bit-sized” actions. And focus on that one small right action that will lead her to accomplish her bigger goal.
Hope this helps, Jenna!
When I was little, my dad used to have me write lists of pros/cons surrounding any big decisions I had to make (of course, when I was 8 the biggest life-changing decision I made was deciding to give up ballet lessons so I could take piano lessons instead). I still make the lists and they still help!
I think your clarification to consult only a few advisers is especially important. Sometimes when it's a really big decision, like how to approach Valentine's Day when you haven't entered Title Land yet, it's tempting to ask everyone you've ever spoken to for advice. I think it's best to get two to three opinions from the people who know you best.. and if possible.. the people who know you best in the context of your problem. And if all fails, there are plenty of free daily horoscopes with lots of very, vague advice for most any daily problem.
I use a variation of #6. I have a very simple tool to help me make decisions. I keep a quarter in my pocket at all times. It's actually not a crutch that simply lets random chance decide. It's actually no more than a prop. When I can't decide, I'll flip my quarter. Sometimes, I won't feel content with the coin's decision and go with the opposite. Sometimes the best way to make a decision is to make a “draft” decision and just see if it feels right.
re:#5, I have tinnitus, so quiet is actually painful to me. I prefer to have soft background noise at all times. But I agree that it is useful to minimize distractions so you can focus on the internal as opposed to external.
My most dramatic decision maker at the moment is asking myself if I'll regret it, as I want to live with no regrets.
I make most of my decisions almost entirely on the basis of #6 – I've always called it “gut check and go with it”
It means I occasionally run headfirst into situations without having sufficiently planned… luckily trusting my intuition had tended to guide me out of bad situations just as efficiently.
Definitely coin-flipping or rock paper scissors and then see if it feels bad, then do the opposite! Also, “what will I wish I had done when I'm 90 years old?” helps get some perspective, especially on what time committments I'll make.
First off, is it important? If no, pick something at random. Or, depending on your risk tolerance, whichever option is scarier or more uncertain. If it is important, then I agree “trust your gut.” You probably already know the answer in your heart. And remember that no matter what the outcome, it's the journey that counts and the fact that you did make a decision in the first place instead of just letting life happen to you!
Great advice!
One thing to remember is that failure can lead you down a path to your biggest successes. So boldly go to that place that scares you. If you can narrow down to 2 or 3, pick the scariest, most exciting thing.
I have only two major regrets in my life and those have shaped me into a more inspired, scrappier, and more motivated person than if I had played it safe. And yes, there was and will be heartache and regret, but these are parts of life, and they can remind you that you're alive. So take a leap of faith and just choose.
I am big on pro/con type lists for big decisions. Not only do they help me reason things out, they also help me have a better grasp of why I decided the way I did and that enables me to feel more behind the decision and often also helps me get a handle on how to go about moving forward with the decision I have made.
I too have trouble making decisions, and I spend far too much time thinking/worrying about them. So, when I have a big decision, I allow myself to ponder it over while I shower. That gives me a solid 30 minutes of silence with myself to talk it out. Then I sleep on it. Then I'll ponder with the suds again. Then I'll make whatever decision feels best. And I try to trust it because I have faith I'm on a path God leads me on. I cling to that faith.
Sometimes I can be very indecisive. At times, this necessitates picking a decision and sticking with it. I think about a few things, like “will i regret this/will this hurt others/will this matter 20 years from now/etc.” There are pros and cons of everything and it is important to consider those, but there are also pros and cons OF the pros and cons! I think sometimes you just have to make a decision, and stick by it. If you realize it is the wrong decision, own up to it, but don't brood over how you should have made another decision. Take the time to reflect, learn from it, and move forward to something better. That probably sounds incredibly irrational and thoughtless BUT–missed opportunities can stem from indecisiveness. You cannot get those back.
ChaChanna – great to hear from you! You are so right – if you don't trust
your own decisions, it will be that much harder to pursue when the naysayers
start chiming in. I love the quote you included – I've often said that
nobody can see our vision – precisely because it's ours! That's the whole
point. It is unique to each individual, so of course others won't always
understand or be supportive. I also love what you said about breaking a
decision down into bite-sized pieces – great point! You rock girl, have a
great week
Thanks Kristen! I know – I didn't even include pro/con lists on here, but
they are a tried and true method for sure. I've found they work best when
you keep collecting pros and cons over the course of a week (or even
longer). Sometimes I miss things doing it all in one sitting. PS – I took
piano and ballet too…but I guess what little girl didn't?
Jenny – A) you are hilarious. but you already knew that. B) It can be SOOO
C) Juicy valentine's date ahead? Or
tempting to want to air our problems out to the world and ask every single
person we know for advice. Definitely better to whittle that down to a group
of key people – or a random horoscope
is Title Land boy just a hypothetical?
Edward – thanks so much for chiming in. I love the coin method too – it's
true that it doesn't really matter which way it lands. Our reaction often
helps us get the clarity we need. I love that you've called it a “draft”
decision too – such a great way to put it! Have a fantastic week
YES! That is such a great question. Simple and direct – and cuts right to
the heart of things. I love it!
Marc – “Gut check and go with it” – I love it! I love the decisiveness of it
- the “go with it” part is often where I get stuck. I'll second-guess myself
or waffle – when really, the gut knows what's best. Similar to you, I've had
lots of success trusting my intuition when I can get clear enough to “hear”
it. Thanks again for stopping by – always great to hear from you
Alison – thanks so much for stopping by! I love the coin flip or RPS method
- then making a decision based on the reaction. And the “What will I wish I
had done when I'm 90″ question is a GREAT one! I think perspective is one of
the best tools we have when making big life decisions – or around
commitments, like you said. It really helps prioritize and see how something
will (or won't) contribute to our lives in the long-run.
Hi Jen,
“Ask yourself broad but direct questions: What do I really want? What is important to me about that? What do I know in my gut to be true?”
I've been doing a lot of this lately – getting fired had me thinking to myself (a lot) “What am I going to do with this opportunity?” Notice I say opportunity because I believe very passionately that this is exactly what I have in front of me – an opportunity to pursue my passions – to put everything I am into the things I want to accomplish, and, if I come up short, if I don't quite get there NOW, so be it, but at least I know I didn't hold back.
I think that's the takeaway for a lot of people given these “life changing” situations that are completely out of your control. You can dwindle on it and hang your head, or you can start making your own life-changing decisions!
P.S. Call or Skype me soon yo, let's catch up!
Pros and cons list; then just one question: “Will I regret?” (you could say this question is essentially this: “What matters to me?”)
Because sometimes it's just like this:
- Option A: 10 pros and 2 con; more regrets.
- Option B: 2 pros and 10 cons; less regrets.
I'll go for Option B.
Haha, thank you! Title Boy does exist. No plans yet for the big day, so I'm currently planning to go with “cool girl who doesn't care about Valentine's Day and just sends a Happy V-day! text.” haha
great topic… i run into this a lot with my clients. Aside from your wise words, the other underlying piece is fear. Fear of making the wrong decision and something tragic will ensue. The internal dialogue probably runs like this (and sometimes unconsiously)… “If I graduate early, I will have to get a job right away, so that I can be seen like a success, but what if I can't get a job, or what if I get a job and I totally suck and they end up firing me and then I am a total loser and then I will never move out of my parents house ….” You get the picture.
So I often tell people who are really stuck… to play out their worse case scenario and then build out a contingency plan for it. BTW, sometimes it just takes playing it out to get over it!
I think you've laid out an excellent framework for making decisions. I especially like the shackles off vs. shackles on approach. The one thing I would add is “don't look back.” After you've gone through the process and made a choice don't ever look back because you can't change what's already happened. You can always make a new decision, but there's no since dwelling on the “what ifs?” of the old one.
Oh and Jenny, I'm too obnoxious to be sneaky. Everyone knows when I'm coming. Except when they don't.
Some wisdom from my dad (who emails his comments to me – gotta love it!):
I'll offer specific answers to Jenna's questions:
1. Stay in school as long as possible – study many different things. I wish I could do four years of college right now.
2. Read Rebecca Goldstein's new book 36 Arguments for the Existence for God. It's God from every angle including atheism.
3. Dinner – Oatmeal with raisins and walnuts and a glass of water.
4. outfit – faded jeans and a black sweater. Develop default decisions for those times when you don't want to think about dress, dinner, god etc.
It is natural for a person to go through a phase where these basics come into question – establish habits that make sense and are healthy and express some inner reality and then get onto to deeper questions at finer levels.
Seek new questions that haven't been answered by anyone. Explore art or science – whatever fits – this is what college is for.
The entire universe exists for Jenna – she's got to get excited about the richness at her feet every day. Note that our current epoch is characterized by uncertainty. It's a good idea to learn to make bold assertions about one's ideas – everyone else is and one does not want to get buried in an avalanche of other people's ideas. Take a swim in the big lake of Jenna.
Hope this helps your inquiring reader.
Love,
Dad
More from Dad:
-It is important to get in the habit of making smaller decision about matters at hand without worrying about them. The results can be sorted out later for most personal decisions regarding food, clothing etc.
-Even with many larger matters – it is the process of making a decision so that consequences may be measured and further action can be adjusted to the results of the earlier decisions.
-One doesn't know if a ship is seaworthy until it is moving through the water and especially not until it encounters rough seas, docks and wharves in foreign lands that might require adjusting the gangplanks etc. and sails are not set when the ship is at the dock – sails are adjusted by new decisions all along the voyage.
-Knowing that there are few FINAL decisions about anything makes the decision-making process much friendlier. A
-Think of all decision making as fun! Let's just see what happens next!
-Be assertive – take command – at least of one's personal decisions then expand outward into committees and groups of friends, soon you will enjoy being a leader and others will share your joy in decision making and help you make even better decisions – additive positives!
I like your Dad's advice with the exception of the first point.
Learning is great and the years I spent in university were awesome. Problem is that while in university (full-time, not night classes) you are essentially living in an environment insulated from the real world. The longer you hold off leaving university, the longer you hold off entering the real world.
You see alot of people who try to stay in school for as long as possible… you see people who go for masters/PH.D's simply because it means staying in school for longer and then even upon graduation refuse to enter the real world and hang on to academia in a “never-to-be-tenured” part-time teaching position.
Leaving university is scary because the consequences become real… The challenges that life present take on a new dimension outside of the very insulated walls of academia and I believe that individuals who hide within those walls don't end up experiencing the full range of life's experiences.
Graduate early? Sure, if you've learnt what you feel you came to learn. Stay longer? That's okay too, just make sure you aren't sticking around because you are scared to leave.
In terms of extremely specific advice, #5 on your list BY FAR my most important guideline for decision making. I turn it over and reflect until I feel like the solution to the problem is pretty clear to me (usually by making use of #6 on your list), and then I roll with it. But if you don't give yourself time to really contemplate it I think you are selling yourself short, you know?
I generally stay away from consulting advisors unless they have a specific expertise that I need to help answer the problem. Almost like using them for data collecting, so I have all the info before deciding.
Jenny, if I may ask – what's the decision you most regret over the last year? How do you think you could have done it better, now that you look back on it?
(it's okay if you don't want to answer hehe)
So true that there is a distinction between making important decisions and
(relatively) unimportant ones. You are right – if it's not important, pick
something random, go with it, and don't look back! I like what you said
about risk tolerance too – sometimes picking the scarier decision is the one
that will help us grow/stretch more and we just need a little encouragement.
Very true that no matter what, it's the journey that counts and feeling good
about being proactive about life (instead of letting it just happen to you).
Love the widsom – thanks so much for stopping by, Sami!
Angela – so true! A great reminder that “failures” can lead to the most
growth, change, and ultimately success. I love what you said about picking
the scariest, most exciting thing and just taking a leap of faith and going
for it. I think exciting is the key word – life is too short to make boring
or safe decisions. Very cool that your two major regrets in life shaped who
you are today, and that you've learned so much from them. Thanks so much for
sharing and stopping by!
Ah, yes – the trusty pro/con list – how could I forget! I like what you said
about helping you get a handle on next steps once the decision is made -
very true that it can serve as a great boost for ensuing activities. Thanks
for stopping by, Vaaaaal! Miss you
Jen – it's fun to hear your best thinking time is in the shower. I used to
have a shower that didn't drain, so I've learned to take them in 5 minutes
or less (and sadly never went back to long-shower mode). I think it's great
how you give yourself those 30 minutes each day (and the nights to sleep on
it) until the decision comes to you. That way hopefully it stops you from
obsessing all day long. Thanks so much for sharing/stopping by!
Jill – I can completely relate – I'm the worst at brooding sometimes! I
really like what you said about taking time to reflect, learn, own up to it,
then MOVE FORWARD. Such a great formula for the ups and downs we might
experience AFTER making a decision. You are so right that missed
opportunities (or even just a spreading bad mood) can stem from
indecisiveness – and you cannot get those moments back. GREAT point, and one
that I will definitely consider next time I find myself in that brooding
state!
I am very indecisive. It's pretty bad sometimes. I make pro/con lists. I write about it. I call different friends. I think the best tip I can offer is STOP WORRYING. The world will not come to a screeching halt because you had chicken instead of beef for dinner. I've tried to simplify things and ask myself the question: Would this make me happy? Which do I prefer doing? If this made the front page of the paper would I be embarassed? Living life with no regerts sometimes means sticking your neck out there, realizing that on most daily decisions there's always a way back to choose Option B.
10-10-10 is a handy way to stay unstuck.
Experts make decisions using intuition (pattern matching + rapid mental simulation.)
When you need to methodical, then CARVER is effective, but the key is always being explicit about your decision making. If it's objective, drive by criteria, test cases, and argumentation … if it's subjective, drive by values.
JIaXuan – thanks for sharing your framework – and for the examples – those were really helpful. Absolutely true that many of the cons fall away (or become less important) when we narrow in on what really matters, and what key aspects we will (or won't) regret. Thanks again, and great to hear from you!
Silvia – YES! Fear can totally cloud our judgment if we let it. Especially when we magnify it into tragic doomsday scenarios, like you said. The if/thens and hypotheticals can get us in trouble if we let our brains go crazy with scenarios – I try to stop myself from trying to project too far into the future, knowing that at each phase in the journey additional answers will emerge. I really like your suggestion to also play out the worst-case scenario and build a contingency plan. It helps identify what actions are in our control. Thanks for such a great comment!
RYAN! I just felt like shouting your name. Plus, it's Friday night and you're probably out in a bar (unlike your grandma counterpart in CA) – so I wanted to make sure you heard me.
Now onto your comment – LOVE what you said about not looking back. I'm terrible about that – I rehash decisions over and over sometimes…it's the worst! There is no point. You can't change the past – exactly like you said – so it's key to just focus on the new decisions/steps in the process. Wise, wise words my friend! Going to put them to use with my crazy over-analyzing brain tonight
JD – How could I forget?! I loved that 10-10-10 framework. In fact, your reminder of it really helped me tonight. I was feeling bad about something, and just asked myself “how will I feel in 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years?” and it REALLY helped. Thanks!
What is CARVER? Not sure I know the reference. Love what you said about separating objective decisions with criteria/facts/etc and from subjective decisions – I agree with you that the latter are made most effectively when driven by values.
Always great to hear from you – thanks so much for stopping by
Lissa – yes! The “stop worrying” theme seems to be a really important one. Very true that on small decisions there is often a way back to the alternate choice – and on big decisions – well, we can only do our best in any given situation. We won't get every decision “right” – but we can learn every bit as much from our mistakes. Thanks so much for chiming in – have a great weekend!
Chevy! Thanks so much for stopping by
I love that you turned getting fired into an opportunity – positive thinking strikes again! Amazing. It seems like you are really being proactive, taking the bull by the horns, and hustling to make things happen for you. You have truly turned the situation around. I'm continuously surprised and amazed at how much you are doing. Speaking of which, congrats on launching MattChevy.com!!
Thanks Jenny – upward and onward as they say. I'm excited for the next opportunities ahead of me. Hope we can catch up soon!
JENNY! I love this. (I think that all of my comments start off with those same words.) Remembering one's values and also one's inner voice are what are most true to the essence of why we're here. And yet, and yet….we forget to do that ALL THE TIME. That's why your steps are so great. They bring us back to what we know inside of us is right, with just the flick of awareness and support.
I think it's important to start taking action, at least on the little things. like dinner choices. No one is good at making decisions when they start but if you don't take some risks, you're robbing yourself of life's learning experience. Ask yourself what really happens if you choose one way–probably not the end of the world. You have to grow. Once you start to come into your power I think you'll be more self-assured.
Great question–great post:)
Hi Kristen – thanks so much for stopping by! I completely agree with you -
it's important to take action on the little things and start building the
habit of committing to decisions. It's SO true what you said about robbing
yourself of life's learning experiences without taking some risks. And also
very true that as we gain confidence (and learn more about who we are and
what matters to us) that decisions become easier to make – even the big
ones.
EVE! I always love your comments – thanks so much for sharing your thoughts
on the decisions post. Very true that our values and inner voice are really
what matter at the end of the day – and so easy to overlook or ignore. I
think the support you talked about can be really helpful – having friends or
family who can act as a mirror and help us see what decisions are in line
with our values (and which ones aren't).