Memo: You Are Not Your Job

Our identities shouldn't be determined by what we do as people or the roles we fill. Yes, we do find value in those things. However, they don't determine our worth. When we have the mindset of, “You are your job,” what happens when you don't have a job anymore or when you retire or even worse something?
Let's say I go through some horrible accident that leaves me a bed ridden paraplegic completely dependent on my loved ones. I lose my job because I can no longer function like I used to. Even given though, I'm still me. I still have the same values, dreams, and desires and can still love life despite my circumstances.

Going back to your original question, I think part of more fully walking in our identities apart from our job involves 1)reevaluating the things that matter to us and 2) focusing more on those them whatever they may be. When we ask ourselves “What's important to me”, “What do I value” or “What makes me come alive,” then we'll inevitably hit on the things that bring meaning to our lives. In the busyness of life, we can easily lose sight of those things. We can forget about the relationships that enrich our lives, our passion for photography, our love of cooking, our insatiable curiosity of other culture or whatever it is that got neglected.

I do have a question for you though Jenny. For those that are caught in the mindset of defining themselves by their jobs, how would you recommend they start to break free from that attitude?

Hey Jenny!

I know what you mean – I do sometimes feel like some weeks my work is all I spend my time on, but that's not necessarily all there is to me. It is a fine line to draw though, to keep in mind that what you're actively doing one week is not necessarily who you are. On the other hand, if all I'm doing is working (as an example) and it's not just some short crunch time spurt, then at some point I do need to own that either I'm going to let work consume my life, or I need to make a change.

I love this reminder. Especially because my job is mostly to pay the bills. It's nice to remind myself that I am not defined by my job title.

Amen. Now if only I could send this to my co-workers that think that work is everything…

[...] You Are Not Your Job over at Life After College [...]

This is SUCH an important reminder, Jenny! We are not defined by one thing, be it our job, our blog, or our degree. There is so much more to life than what we do for a living. As important as our job seems (and it is important), there are more important things, like spending time with family and friends, giving back to our communities, and just plain enjoying life…before retirement. Thank you for this memo, it's something we should all remember!

This is SUCH an important reminder, Jenny! We are not defined by one thing, be it our job, our blog, or our degree. There is so much more to life than what we do for a living. As important as our job seems (and it is important), there are more important things, like spending time with family and friends, giving back to our communities, and just plain enjoying life…before retirement. Thank you for this memo, it's something we should all remember!

This is SUCH an important reminder, Jenny! We are not defined by one thing, be it our job, our blog, or our degree. There is so much more to life than what we do for a living. As important as our job seems (and it is important), there are more important things, like spending time with family and friends, giving back to our communities, and just plain enjoying life…before retirement. Thank you for this memo, it's something we should all remember!

this thought is universal, regardless of what you do, it is so easy to get lost in your job. Many companies ask you to do more than is humanly possible- so even provide you with free meals and a gym on site, so you never need to go anywhere! As budget cuts are hitting education, one thing that many don't realize is everything still needs to get done. NAY! Even more is being asked of us! With all of those cuts, more and more is being placed on the classroom teacher, with less time to do it in, and less pay. There comes a certain point that you just have to walk away leaving work undone. My job is not my life, my job is not my life.

I needed this. Thank you, Jenny.

This was a perfect post for me to read today, Jenny, so thank you! I agree that we're not here simply to work at jobs that will allow us to pay the bills — something that we can easily forget when we spend most of our days at the office. You've raised a great question at the end of your post and I'm certainly going to give it some thought.

In. Love. With. This.

<3

WE SHOULD BE OUR JOBS.

I see your point, but I'll throw a wrench in the engine and reword it to say “we SHOULD be our jobs”. Ok everyone, take 2 secs to get your WTF out of the way.

I was just having a similar conversation with my wife and in my heated rant about life/work/money/goals/balance/etc I uttered these words that stopped me dead in my tracks “the design of life is just flawed”. I design software/applications for a living, so this thought really peaked my curiosity.

We spend the first 25 years of life “preparing” for life, the next 40 working, then we have anywhere from 1-25 years left (many now in poor health because of aforementioned “working”) to “enjoy” life. The used car salesman down the street gives me better deals than this!

You may say, well the entire 40 years isn't spent working and thats quite true. But lets break it down further to get to the facts. Math FTW! (sorry, just got a dose of happy weather, haha). Assuming you sleep 8 hours a day, you have 16 hours left times 7 days a week for “life”, OR 112 hours per week. 50 hrs per week is about 45% of our time.

I don't know about you guys but I can not willingly accept having 45% of my very existence, be used for “just to pay the bills”. But, because we all must have a job and it takes up so much of our time, I feel we SHOULD be our jobs. We'd be fools not to try and align our money making endeavors, with things that make us truly happy. I'm not saying for everyone to go make kites on a beach but I'm challenging the notion that we must have this painful thing called a job which is separate from this fun thing called a life. The two NEED to be intertwined in a meaningful way that will result in optimal happiness.

But wait I can't pay the bills, get real man!
Well lets have some fun and look at some more numbers. Assume you make 100k now. You find a job that would make you truly happy, that pays 50k. Do you take it? Assuming you worked for 40 years, taking that job would “cost” you 2 Mill (lets just use easy math). Thats quite a lot of money. But recall that 45% of our time is spent working. So working in a job you hate, causing you stress and unhappiness means you are selling 45% of your life for $2M, which further means that your life is worth exactly $4.4M. CHEAPO. (kidding) I'm sure you'd all agree that you are each worth so much more than that.

I know life is tough and there are many times when families have to sacrifice and work crappy jobs to make ends meet. No arguing there. But this is not the case 100% of the time. Many willingly chose these jobs for a bigger paycheck, thinking happiness can be measured in material possessions. Unfortunately many (including myself) have put ourselves in a position where we think we can not break out of this lifestyle. Hopefully we can stop seeing ourselves as revenue generating beings and start focusing on what our true purpose really is.

Jenny was right, Jonathan Fields did say it best: “We are here to come alive.”.

Well said. Often forgotten – critical to remember. Thanks Jenny.

I think this is a fascinating argument you make, Chaalz. Life and work should be intertwined in many circumstances (assuming you are not in the group you defined as really needing to take a terrible job just to make ends meet) but I want to push it further and argue that in many cases you don't need to spending as much time working as you are (the 'you' here is general, not specifically you, Chaalz). Granted, this calls out the system for being broken by being established on that basis of number of hours works equals quality of work created.

An employee who spends a substantial amount of time outside of the work environment, and really outside of the thought bubble scope of work, has a much larger and more diverse life (read: thoughts, experiences, personality) to bring back to work. Assuming they are doing work with some level of autonomy, they likely will come back to work with renewed vigor and the desire to succeed in the work place for their personal satisfaction.

People derive their self-esteem (what's more or less considered 'healthy' self-esteem) from three main sources: personal beliefs/ethics/faith, interpersonal relationships, and a job well done. To completely separate work from your identity is to eliminate a key contributor in the last field. Side projects aside, work is where we get our 'job well done' sense of esteem.

Ash – You are too sweet! In. Love. With. Every. Single. Thing. You. Write. SERIOUSLY. I don't comment as often as I'd like, but know that I'm awe of everything you come out with!

<3 right back 'atcha! Now let's make that coffee/martini/cupcake tweet-up happen

Teresa – I'm so glad! Thanks so much for stopping by – happy (almost) Friday!

Dani – I'm so glad! It's only natural that we get caught up in our jobs after spending so much time at work – nothing wrong with that per se, but great to re-calibrate from time to time. And I'm glad you found the question at the end helpful – it's definitely one that makes me think!

Thanks Matt! I think it's good to remember when we hate our jobs and when we love them – that regardless of how much satisfaction we may get, we are still a person independent of the work we produce (or how we answer the “so what do you do” question).

On a separate note, I hope your seminar went well today – I'm sure it was a smashing success!

Very good reminder indeed. And the seminar isn't until Saturday morning, but I am going to take those well wishes with me – thanks for the kind words Jenny

Jenni – thanks! I know what you mean – sometimes I just want to shake people and help them see that there is more to life than work (no matter how fulfilling it may be). But I suppose they have to come to that conclusion on their own

Niferann – Thanks so much for your comment – so glad you found the reminder helpful. And I think the more time we spend with this question – who we are outside of our job titles – the more it actually helps us find the next position that might be a better fit. And kudos to you for sticking with your job even though it may not be exactly what you want right now.

Hey Sid! Such a good point that the balance is a very fine line – especially for entrepreneurs, I can imagine. It seems like work – and how we identify with it – goes in fits and spurts. Sometimes we're so focused on work that we forget about the rest of our lives, but when we notice that we can make adjustments and build the other parts back up. I also think there's a distinction between what we DO in general (work and fun activities) and who we actually ARE (outside of all those things). Somewhat fuzzy concept, I know I hope you're having a great week!

JO! Very good point that this is a universal topic – one that spans all ages and professions. Companies (and other people) will often ask us to do more and more until we learn to say no – just as you are doing with your job. Leaving work undone can be really difficult, but it's so important if we want to actually create time for the things that truly matter to us in life. Even just having a little fun! Say, riding on a giant conference bike or baking ugly cupcakes

Chaalz – I like what you said about “We'd be fools not to try and align our money making endeavors, with things that make us truly happy.” TOTALLY agree. And I definitely think there is a difference between the TIME spent at work and how much we identify our entire self-worth with the work that we do. For example, regardless of how much time you spend at work, or how much you may love your job, I think it's still important to remember that you are a person beneath all of the doing. That if you stopped “doing” tomorrow, you would still be valuable. At the same time, I believe working is incredibly fulfilling and what makes most of us feel valued. So it's a bit of a balance/paradox – I just think it's best not to let ourselves be completely defined by what we do – and look also at who we are outside of our jobs. Too cheesy? I know it would be helpful if I could throw some math at that argument

Andi – LOVE what you said about where people derive their self-esteem from. So true that work is a huge contributor to where we get our self-esteem. I just think sometimes people get so much of it from work that they may forget how to get it for themselves…if that makes any sense. Or at least how to “diversify” the self-worth bucket so all your eggs are not in the same basket. There I go mixing metaphors again…

Thanks so much to both of you for such thoughtful comments!!

John – thanks so much for your thoughtful comment – it is really sobering to think about what happens when we retire or if something worse were to happen. No matter how much we may gain from working, I love what you said about still honoring our values, dreams and desires – still finding ways to love our lives outside of the work that we do.

As for your question, I think awareness is a great first step. If someone feels their entire life and identity is wrapped up in work, starting with some exploration might help. Who am I outside of work? What makes me come alive? How can I create room for more independence and creativity in my life – or even just for more time with family and friends?

What about you…any ideas?

Thanks Sam! Right – I think this even extends to our relationships. No matter how much we may love someone else, they still don't define us. And I always love your reminders to focus on our friends and families – you are such an advocate for that and I think it really makes a difference in people's lives. Great to see you last week, by the way!!

Oops! Sorry about that – and YES, lots of “go get 'em tiger” encouragement for Sunday then

SATURDAY! lol…we'll get it right one of these times. Sunday is the wedding shower though, so I guess the “go get em” attitude still applies

OMG!! I am a mess today. SATURDAY. GOOD LUCK ON SATURDAY!

I'm going to take a slightly different angle in my response…

At least in America (I'm not sure how true this is in other countries), I think WAY too many people are addicted to being busy. Sometimes a person will ask another, “How have things been going?” And the person will answer, “OHHH, I've been SO busy” as if it's a really good thing. I'm not exactly sure why being busy is viewed in such a positive manner. But at least from what I've seen, busy = good in most people's minds.

I used to buy into this mindset until probably the last couple of years when I started meditating and have gotten even more into minimalism. I'm at a point where I want to be #1 happy and #2 productive. And for me, constantly being busy (not being busy from time to time, which I think is totally normal) usually means I am not happy and I am not productive because I am not managing my time well, taking on way too many projects, not saying no, etc.

I think being busy (and defining yourself by your job) is a mask that we use to hide our true selves so others can't see it.

I say forget constantly being busy, forget defining yourself by your job (though I COMPLETELY agree with Chaalz about pursuing your passion – just don't define yourself by it), and instead focus on loving yourself, loving others, and experiencing joy and happiness every day.

Anyway, I rambled a bit, but hopefully this makes sense.

This is 100% what I needed to read today. As a college student always looking forward to what's next and struggling with the question of what I want to do, this helps so much. It is also comforting knowing that if you're not in your dream job, that there is still so much to offer and learn in the 50 hours a week, and even more in that time outside of work. Thanks, Jenny! You have a knack of writing exactly what I need to hear!

[...] Memo: You Are Not Your Job (Life After College) – The gist of this post is that we do not exist to work, even though most days it feels like that. It’s quite a novel concept. [...]

Greg, I like the angle you approached this. Never really thought of it that way but you're right about busy = good. I rambled a bit in my post and wasn't as clear as I wanted to be. I agree with #1 Happy and #2 Productive. I think pursuing our passions will make us happy, and that pursuit should be in the form of time spent on weekends/nights as well as time spent making money from it. Ok guys, enjoy your weekends!

Thx too Jenny!

Great post, Jenny. As the mother of two little kids (babies), I find my identity wrapped up in that, AND guilt if I don't say, “Oh, but I LOVE it! My kids are my LIFE!” (bats eyelashes). But, truth be told, I do not exist for the sole purpose of raising them. Yes, it's #1, but there is so, so much more.

Flat out awesome response.

So true about the 3 sources of self-esteem you mention. I think you've found a major source of the problem.

I cant recall the last time I've been complimented or praised for my personal beliefs/ethics/faith or for my interpersonal relationships. Almost all have been a result of what I've achieved professionally. “Great job on getting that project done ahead of schedule”.

And this simply because thats how the system works. You do good at work, you get more money and praise. Corporate America is designed that way (most of the time). But non-monetary relationships aren't naturally like that.

Maybe the lesson here is to see the good in our family/friends and the value in these relationships and just say it out loud. Even if their motives may not be the purest all the time, at least bosses are saying thank you and appreciate what you do. In this regard, this makes it hard not to be addicted to work.

Homework for this weekend: Hang out with a good friend/family and let them know how much they mean to you.

Thx Andi.

Jenny! I absolutely agree! In general, people do depend too much on the work aspect and I think what Chaalz suggests below is an important step in altering that. There's also a difference between self-esteem and personal identity. The latter is more what you seem to be addressing in this article. And it's true, you are not your job. The job should feed you, inspire you, challenge you and build you up (esteem-wise), but it shouldn't be you.

It's a delicate balance and makes it all the more important that we are aware of the other two supports for self-esteem. Work, for most people, is the easiest to obtain because we do spend so much time on it and we are raised in a culture that values visible achievements that can be directly complimented or criticized. Our work is an easy target to be an ID badge, if you will. It's the most public of the three sources. Which indicates that you are dead on, Jenny, with 'they may forget how to get it for themselves.' I don't know that I go around telling people 'Congrats on your ethics, man!' Actually, I think I have said that, but it's weird and never quite comes out right…

But the fact that they're far more personal sources of self-esteem makes them difficult to cultivate. Not in the 'it's really hard to find ethical standards that I agree with' way, but no one is there to reinforce them. We've grown accustomed to depending on other people for that validation. It requires a deep sense of self (and in many cases a very grounded sense of self esteem) to hold to your ethical beliefs in the face of adversity without anyone to tell you you did a good job. Catch 22? I think this is the most important source of self-esteem. But now I've gone off the deep end in another direction

Jenny – you keep inspiring me. I forwarded your blog to one of my clients – it's the perfect fit for her. I love your work and what you stand for! Sending you a virtual cup cake – Nicole

Aw, thanks so much Nicole! That means so much to me – I hope all is well with you and that you enjoy the fabulous weather this weekend!

Hey Chaalz,

I was actually ranting a bit myself and didn't focus enough on how much I agreed with you. I love BEING what I do (which I view as more of a mission/passion than a job). But I definitely also make sure to get away from it. I take very few “vacations” and instead sort of take vacations every day. Two examples are meditating and going to the gym. I also rarely miss an episode of The Bachelor or American Idol when they are on during the year (yeah, I admit it!). And I'm always watching college and pro football in the fall. However, during commercial breaks, I'm often thinking about work. I also think about work a lot when I'm driving to the gym.

I typically spend weekends doing certain “light” work things that maybe I can't do during the week. This often involves reading.

This is what works for me. I feel like I'm BEING what I do. But I also don't feel stressed out at all. I've found that I'm most happy and productive when I do things this way.

I think one of the keys is eliminating a lot of things. For example, I don't spend lots of time on Facebook and Twitter. I'm there a little, but I actually closed both of my accounts down six months ago, because of social media overload. I recently got back on and I'm managing things better this time.

I briefly checked out your blog and noticed you have kids which I don't have. I can imagine they take LOTS of time. This obviously makes it a little easier for me to not be quite as busy.

Have a great weekend, too!

You're definitely on to something here, Jenny. It's so important for us, as young professionals, to really perfect a work/life balance. If we don't, we're setting ourselves up with habits for the rest of our lives.

Keep the YOU while working hard!

Thank you Jennie for sharing your wisdom of “You are not your job.” At 55, I have been reminded a number of times that balancing personal life with work life is crucial to one's well-being. Some of us work in places that care about us and some of us don't. It can be hard to hold back passion for work at the expense of loved ones. My family has had to make some sacrifices because of my passion for work. Hopefully, that has not gotten out-of-hand. However, when it gets right down to it, when all is said and done, my family is the one who sticks by me through thick and thin. I think some people in the workplace do not recognize devotion to the job. I have learned this the hard way and it challenges me every day to follow my passion in a balanced way while living my personal life and being there for family and friends. I will be printing off your words of wisdom to keep reminding me to stay balanced!

Always timely articles, Jenny. An incredible thing happened to me this week – I didn't get to work much because I was forced to by other events going on in my life (aggressive apartment hunting in NYC, pinning down plans for my wedding in August, helping friends out with projects, the daily task grind of stuff I had ignored for the past 2 weeks). And yesterday, after reflecting on the week, I freaked.

I hadn't done my job, I hadn't gotten to do all of the things I really wanted to achieve, and I felt like I had failed. But then it dawned on me that through all of the “doing” of the week that wasn't related to my job, I got to experience life through a different lens. I got to experience myself as something other than a coach and marketer. I was a fiance, I was a friend, a creator of new opportunities, a sidewalk adventurer in NYC.

It's a shame that we rarely leave our work unless we're forced to. I'm about to change that for myself. The work needs a stopping point, either at a particular time of the day or at the completion of a step of a project. Otherwise, what's it all for? If all we are is what we DO, then what happens to the being part of our life? As I found out this week, it begins to fade, and that is a tragedy many don't see until it's nearly too late to “come alive.”

Greg – I absolutely LOVED this comment! You really, really said everything I was thinking and then some. It's time to stop the addiction to being busy (or at least catch ourselves when we fall prey to it) and focus on things like peace of mind, happiness, and productivity. I'd add a fourth, which is creativity. I think we are meant to create – and we can only do that if we give ourselves some room to breathe.

This was my favorite line of your whole comment: “instead focus on loving yourself, loving others, and experiencing joy and happiness every day.” Amen! Such wise words – thank you so much for sharing your incredible insights!

Shannon – I'm so glad this post was helpful for you! You said it so well – even if you are not in your dream job, there is so much to learn in a given week, and so much that you can still share with the world. Hopefully that takes just a little bit of the pressure off – know that whatever job you get, you can still be pursuing your own interests and creative outlets on the side. I wish you the best of luck in your search – let me know if I can ever be helpful in any way!

Andrea – thanks so much for sharing your perspective. I feel like you could write a whole book on the guilt/identity struggles mothers experience. I love what you said, that you “do not exist for the sole purpose of raising your kids” no matter how much you may love them. I'm sure it's a balance, like anything else, but an undertaking that I really admire you for doing! I love the way you have your blog and your coaching and messages that are important to you. You rock, woman

Thanks Lauren! Always great to hear from you I loved your recent recap post of life in SF – a true example of how, even if you love your job, there is so much more to creating a rich, full life!

Thanks Becky! It's really great to hear your perspective. Have you ever read the book, Gift from the Sea? I'm reading it now – it reminds me a lot of what you talked about in your comment – the importance of balancing personal life and work life as critical to well-being.

I think it's great that your family has supported the passion you have for your work – even though it does involve making sacrifices, hopefully the return you got was (and continues to be!) worth it. I think we share that in common – I feel like I will always be passionate about working and creating, and hope to have a family that understands that (within limits, of course).

Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment! It's great to (virtually) meet you

Brett – always great to hear from you! Your story from this past week is SO interesting! It's amazing how you got to experience life through a different lens, and that you came to really appreciate that despite the initial panic. I absolutely love the part where you said, “I got to experience myself as something other than a coach and marketer. I was a fiance, I was a friend, a creator of new opportunities, a sidewalk adventurer in NYC.” Just reading that gave me a huge smile. What a gift.

I once had a coach tell me to make sure that I could answer the question, “For the sake of what?” for my big goals. It was so that when things got tough, or I got wrapped up in the doing, I could always come back to the ultimate reason behind my work. Just as you said – it's to come alive, to inspire others, and to “be”… just as I already am.

Well said. I actually first heard that quote in the movie Body of Lies, lol, and ever since then I've been using it quite liberally. While I don't always necessarily feel like I'm “my job,” many people I know get stuck in that rut. “This is what I do, and so this is how my life should be dictated…” and I think it's important to remind ourselves AS WELL as those around us that that doesn't always have to be the case!

Travis – thanks for stopping by! How interesting that it's actually a line
from a movie – I had no idea. I'll have to go check-out “Body of Lies” even
though it sounds a *little* different from the Romantic Comedies I normally
watch Hope you're having a fantastic week!

From a Boomer to the Echo Boomer (aka Gen Y): Cheer up! This isn't forever. If you can continue your awareness of a need for balance in your life, don't despair. With time, you will find that happy medium. It may not happen until you become an empty nester, but it can and will happen. Right now what you are experiencing is growing pains of professional adulthood. Through time, you will build experience, gain knowledge, and a stronger confidence in what you can/can't/will/won't do. So until then, chin up. Sally forth.

Thanks so much! I really appreciate the encouragement, and I'm sure many
others will as well. It's always nice to get some perspective from our own
“problems” and realize that at the end of the day, everything is going to be
fine! I love what you said about gaining confidence in what you
can/can't/will/won't do – that really does seem to be at the crux of
reducing stress. Thanks again for stopping by — have a great week!

[...] are many people who say that you are not your job. And they’re right, to an [...]

Great post Jenny. This reminds me of the “You are not your fucking khaki’s” line from Fight Club.

Loved this!

Thanks so much! I appreciate the note — have a great weekend

I love the points you make and I think it could be very freeing for people to be given “permission” to be something other than their work. It can so easily get tangled up. I am always looking for stress reducing ideas and to me, this is a great one.

Thanks Diana! It is definitely easy to get tangled up — so happy that this
relieved some stress for you Thanks for your comment!

[...] be a good accompanier for Leo. The unexpected accompaniment pairing had me calling my entire personal identity into question…all because I was [...]

This post reminds me of Ken Robinson’s, “The Element.” While you’re not necessarily advocating that people’s work be their ‘passion,’ remembering that what one does for work needn’t consume their entire waking life. There’s so much to the world — so much to be, see, do, find, etc.

With Love and Gratitude,

Jeremiah

Jenny,how can I figure out these things that you said? “What makes me come alive? How can I create room for more independence and creativity in my life – or even just for more time with family and friends? ” I am 26 years old and quit my job at a bad time (no jobs,economy). I had severe anxiety before going to work then later,I was diagnosed with PTSD,but I’m feeling better now,thanks to therapy. You can email me if you like (I don’t know if you’ll ever get this message) – chimerabellem {at} gmail {dot} com.Thank you.  PS. I’m a new reader.