Live for the Dip

by Jenny • August 31st, 2010

Dips & Stomach Flips

I gave my first talk on goal-setting at a bookstore last week and I bombed. My friends and family might tell you otherwise…and several people said afterward that they really got something out of it, but in my heart and gut I know that I bombed. No amount of excuses – tired, busy, just starting out – could make up for how lame I felt. And by lame, I mean totally and utterly disappointed in myself.

Within 10 minutes of starting, as the camera man was throwing things at the store owner to get his attention, I started sweating and stuttering and wishing I could just quit. Stop mid-sentence and sprint toward the door. How the hell am I going to do this for 45 more minutes? I felt like a bumbling idiot at best and a disorganized motivational hack at worst.

Even after 5 years of training at Google and “faking it til I make it,” I’ve never been more uncomfortable at the front of a room. That feeling usually goes away within five minutes. It didn’t go away this time. I was laid out in the bottom of a dip and I knew it.

Live for the Dip…It Means You Are on Exactly the Right Track

“Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.”
—Sophia Loren

If you’ve ever pursued a big goal that took many months (or years) of commitment or tried learning a new complex skill, you have almost surely experienced the dip. The drop in motivation. The feeling of being totally frustrated and ready to give up at any minute. When you’re in the dip, you question whether this effort is even worth your time, and whether you are capable of achieving it.

The dip sucks the fun out. It waves the “how bad do you want this” flag and your demons tell you life would be easier if you just quit…that you could avoid all this discomfort by just walking away. But you know that’s not true. You know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, you just don’t know how long it will take to get there.

The dip is usually unavoidable. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, it actually means you are on exactly the right track. I’ve started repeating the phrase, “live for the dip” to myself and my coaching clients, because I’ve realized that hitting the dip is not something to avoid, it is a milestone worth celebrating. It feels uncomfortable, but it is necessary in order to move forward. Seth Godin published a book on this topic, but I prefer to reference a diagram I learned in many years of working in Training and Development:

Levels of Learning – The Conscious Competence Matrix

Unconscious incompetence – You don’t know what you don’t know (ignorance is bliss)
Conscious incompetence – The dip! You suddenly become aware of how much you have to learn. You might feel dumb, incompetent, frustrated or discouraged as you realize you need more skills, time or practice in order to move forward.
Conscious competence – You’ve started to master the new skill, but you still have to actively think about whether you are doing it right.
Unconscious competence – You don’t even have to think about it any more – the new skill comes naturally and/or finishing the goal becomes completely do-able. This is really the fun part, where you are flowing and “in the zone.”

This model applies to many different situations. A few examples:

Learning a new skill – if you weren’t born with it, you almost always have to go through a phase of being a total beginner. You have to crawl before you can walk.
Pursuing a long-term goal – when the adrenaline and excitement wear off at the start of a big goal, you’ll often get hit by reality where you realize how challenging the pursuit of this goal will actually be.
Athletic Events - Marathon runners often hit “the wall” where they simply can’t imagine running another 100 yards, let alone finish the entire 26.2 (my wall lasted seven excruciatingly boring miles from 17-23).
In relationships - you often have to have your first fight and work through it successfully in order to take your relationship to the next level.

Celebrate the Dip – A Few Words of Encouragement

Big goals aren’t handed to you. You have to earn them.
If it is anything worth doing, you will hit a dip.
The dip is the toll you cross, the dues you pay.
You will want to give up.
You will question yourself.
You will feel uncomfortable.
You will want to fling yourself back into your comfort zone, but you won’t.
You will push through it.
And as much as it might suck, celebrate as you wade your way through the dip.
Live for the dip.
Laugh when you can; cry, scream or vent if you need to; and know that you’ll emerge stronger on the other side. Dragon slayed. Finish line in sight. Big dream conquered.

***

P.S. I’m going to be representing Gen Y on an upcoming panel discussion called Generations in the Workplace. The webinar will be held on Thursday, Sept. 9 at 12:00 p.m. PST. Click here to sign-up — I’d love to “see” you there.

P.P.S. Hopefully I won’t bomb this one

Are you new to Life After College? Welcome, and thanks for visiting! Looking for a portable life coach? Be sure to check out my new book, Life After College: The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want for tips, quotes and inspirational coaching exercises. If you liked this post, consider subscribing to my blog via email. Want access to the Organized Like a Ninja Toolkit with 15+ kick-ass templates, and hundreds of tips and tools to get your life in order? Sign-up for the monthly “inside scoop” (email updates with personal stories, tips and resources). I look forward to keeping in touch!

52 comments

Categories: Coaching, Goals, Jenny's Favorites, Life, Start Here

http://ItStartsWith.Us Nate St. Pierre

Thank you, Jenny. This post is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I am in said dip, and it absolutely sucks. But I’ll come out of it on the other side, as you have and will. Much love, friend.
http://www.effieboo.wordpress.com effieboo

Thanks Jenny! What a great post – thanks for giving an explanation for that terrible feeling I so often get! I love the matrix, it really helps put things into perspective.
http://nifermusings.blogspot.com Jen

Jenny, thank you so much for this post today! I am going through a professional “dip” right now, and you are so right: I am questioning and doubting myself, wondering if I made the right choice, wondering if I’m really cut out for this work.

You have successfully reassured me that this is where I need to, and should, be. I will make it through, and I will come out better and stronger.

Fantastic material here.

Good luck with your next presentation! Each one is a stepping stone to getting better and better, right?
http://www.therealmandymoore.com Mandy Moore

Jenny, you never cease to amaze me. You are a true inspiration. I think the best way to describe how much I loved it is just…WOW.
Anonymous

Whenever you feel like you want to run away, quit or give up – that’s when you know you’re about to achieve something great. Just keep on pushing through!!!
http://www.kunbrelifecoaching.com/blog Brett Kunsch

I couldn't agree more! It always seems counter-intuitive to think that feeling unmotivated, frustrated, and all around crappy is a good thing! I love the visual you provided and explanations for each point on the graph – it's quite possibly the most motivating diagram I've seen

I think a huge part of development and goal-setting (and achieving!) is letting go of the fact that you need to be flawless right out of the gate. We often put so much pressure on ourselves to be great at something when we haven't yet invested the time and experience to become competent at it. I've been there so many times and it wasn't until I just let myself fail and get smacked around by the reality of “this is going to be hard, dude,” did I actually find myself on the upswing. And heck, another dip came after that upswing, but I was prepared for it!

I recently covered 'The Quitting Zone” and how – just like “the dip” – it's something worth celebrating rather than ruminating on – http://bit.ly/aHTKzS

And no, you won't bomb Sept 9. Keep your chin up, Jenny.

P.S. Have you ever been involved with Toastmasters?
http://twitter.com/JeremyOrr Jeremy Orr

I was at said bookstore and know for a fact that though you were uncomfortable, you were not visibly so. Sure, you weren't as loose and comfortable as you could have been but you far from bombed! It is tough to talk to a room of friends, family, and a girl you babysat for and her high school chum. I got a lot out of your talk JB and for that reason alone you were a success. Plus, you got a free glass of wine and a flirty waiter out of the deal too!
Keydropper

In terms of the business Jenny I feel like if you aren’t always entering a dip or exiting one you aren’t doing enough. Learning is essential to keeping the business moving forward so I am always finding out what I don’t know (unfortunately it’s a lot ) I am sure that you are much too hard on yourself though and the bookstore experience wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought!
Benjy Feen

Jenny—great post, and: TA-DA!
http://twitter.com/TOPolk Terence

Great post. Not only was it something that I needed to hear right now, but probably also something that I will come back to reference in the future. And keep on trucking! You’re kicking life’s ass right now.
http://twentyorsomething.com Susan Pogorzelski

I hate public speaking. I do it because sometimes it’s just required and I’ve had to learn to tolerate it, but I’d rather just write it all out. It’s not that I’m afraid of what I’m going to say or what people will think — that I couldn’t care less about. Rather, it’s the apprehension of not knowing what will happen — you can plan all you want, but sometimes you do, indeed, just bomb.

In life, too. You can have dreams and goals and plan all you want, but sometimes the unexpected happens and it makes you doubt every decision, every step, everyone. Yourself. And it’s hard and it sometimes hurts, but it’s true so true that you can either give up, keep going, or even, yes, start again.

Glad to see you decided to keep going — with the talk, with the book…Isn’t it funny how it’s only in the end that we look back and realize the rough times weren’t so bad at all? That we realize it was all worth it in the end?

Great points here, Jenny, keep it up!
Latoya J. Williams

Jenny,

Our work definitely has a lot of parallels! I wrote a long blog post about goal setting last night. Love these quotes: “Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.”
—Sophia Loren and “Live for the Dip,” indeed! The dip lets someone know that she/he is reaching and that they are on their edge and growing even when totally lame moments happen. The rebellious side of me actually likes going down in a bombing flame of glory in front of people sometimes! I’m human. And, I don’t have to take myself too seriously all of the time. I also love and apply the levels of learning model. Best of luck with participating of the Gen Y panel! I’ll see if I can make it.
http://www.tammycamp.com Tammy Camp

Oh no! That sounds like some sort of recurring nightmare; but well done on sticking it out and getting through it.

I love the roller-coaster metaphor, and next time I hit a stomach-churning dip, I’ll remember to hold on tight and start screaming loudly, because it means I’m on my way to a huge high!
http://www.frenchchristmas.typepad.com Noel

Ah, just what I needed to hear! Were you reading my mind?
http://www.careersoutthere.com/ MarcLuber

Great post Jenny. You’re right – the dip is a milestone that should be celebrated! The dip is pretty inevitable for people who put themselves out there – if you’re never hitting the dip, then you’re probably spending too much time in your comfort zone and not growing.

Ha, it would be interesting to explore how much the dip helps the economy! (To what extent those experiencing the dip spend money on books, coaches, yoga classes, massage therapy, psychotherapy, chocolate , pharmaceutical products, alcohol, gym memberships, etc!)

I’m sure your performance was much better than you think….
http://twitter.com/jrmoreau James Ryan Moreau

You never really know yourself until you’ve tried something ridiculously hard, stupid and un-likely to succeed and then failed miserably at it…. and then try again
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Brett – loved your Quitting Zone post…great stuff! So true that it feels counter-intuitive to look at the dips and quitting zones as positive milestones. But they are so much easier to stomach if we can just see them as a necessary right of passage. You bring up a GREAT point about perfectionism too – it’s super important (and easy to forget) that we don’t (or can’t) be experts from the get-go.

And glad you found the diagram helpful! Hopefully it will be a great tool for you to use in coaching
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

JO – thanks for your comment…and for being there for said bookstore event! You’re right…even if I felt uncomfortable, I still got a free glass of wine from a flirty waiter out of it! That counts for something for sure

YTMFBE, JO. The BE.
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Thanks Effieboo! So glad you liked the diagram – I use it all the time…it really does help show that those terrible feelings are really just growing pains. Have a great week!
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Nate – thanks so much for your comment – so glad this post was helpful for where you are right now. The dip DOES suck…but I try to remember one of my favorite sayings: “The only way out is through.” You can’t run from a dip – you just have to suck it up and get through it. And tweet/call/eat cupcakes & oreos with friends in the meantime Much love to you too!
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Hey Jen – thanks so much for your comment. Sorry to hear you’re in a professional dip right now – we have ALL been there. You will definitely make it through, and though I don’t know specifics, I can almost guarantee that you ARE cut out for the work you are doing. Sometimes we just need to prove to the Universe how badly we want it and how committed we are to learning and growing (even if it feels hard and discouraging for most of the early days).

Best of luck to you! Love what you said about each presentation being a stepping stone to getting better — so true
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Mandy – your comments never cease to make me feel completely honored and humbled! I have mad respect for you and just appreciate the amazingly kind words so much…thank YOU
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Kristi – so true! Success is around the corner from every failure (or at least life is a little easier to swallow if you think of it that way). Cheers to pushing through all those brink-of-success-but-feels-like-failure moments!
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Keydropper – I love that perspective, that if you aren’t always entering a dip or exiting one that you aren’t doing enough. So true that learning and taking risks is essential to growing and making progress.

(And you’re probably right…I’m very hard on myself…but that’s what keeps me growing too
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Benjy — thank you!! We have to catch up soon – it was so sweet of you to call on Thursday

P.S. LOVE those 90s pics! The glasses make the picture
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

TO! Always great to hear from you So glad that this post landed at the right time for you. Best of luck with your dip…you’ll most definitely get through it (and with flying colors, I’m sure).

And thanks so much for the encouragement! Your comment reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for, despite any dips I might feel/encounter.

P.S. FOOTBALL SEASON IS BACK! Life can now resume.
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

James! Love your comment. Know what else I love? That you have the GIANT CAJONES to pick up and move to a new city and make a life for yourself. You’ve taken some huge leaps, despite not knowing whether you would succeed, and it’s just so fun to see you living it up in CO now. May you be an example to us all

–Jenny Dannnnnnngaaaaaaaaaaaah
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Aw, thanks Noel! Happy I could read your mind this week
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Tammy – thanks so much for your comment. It DOES sound like a recurring nightmare! One of mine is running uphill through the streets of San Francisco with a really heavy backpack. Kind of similar to how it feels being in the middle of a dip or some really challenging experience.

Love the idea of picturing an actual rollercoaster and looking forward to the huge high!
Thanks so much for stopping by
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Latoya – Your comment about “The rebellious side of me actually likes going down in a bombing flame of glory in front of people” gave me a huge smile!! Sometimes it can be so refreshing to throw our expectations and rules out of the window and just FAIL. It never ends up being as bad or as scary as we think. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…and gives you great stories to tell.

Thanks so much for stopping by, and so glad our FB pages are BFFs now!
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Susan – thank you so much for stopping by, and for your thoughtful comment. You’re absolutely right that sometimes the best laid plans fall apart. And that the rough times usually aren’t as terrible as we make them out to be at the time

P.S. HUGE CONGRATS ON THE HOUSE!!!! I definitely know what you mean about loneliness settling in, but think of those feelings as part of your dip. You will come out the other side stronger and more sure of yourself than ever. You’ve just made a huge, great leap – and will settle in in no time
http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Hi Marc! Thanks so much for your comment. So true that if you are never hitting the dip, then you are probably spending too much time in your comfort zone. Great way to think about it! I think the dip is when we feel the most vulnerable, but where we actually get clarity on what we want/need in order to make it to the next level.

P.S. I know I still owe you a Twitter reply…haven’t forgotten
http://twitter.com/mmbizon mmbizon

Jenny- This post defines the past few weeks of my life! You have no idea how relieving it is to realize that not only do others feel exactly as I do, but also that there’s actual theory backing it up. Thanks for the great post … as usual!

http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

MMBizon – Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so happy to hear that this post was helpful for you Have an amazing weekend and hang in there through your dip!

http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

Ahh, yes. The dips and stomach flips. I’m all too familiar with those! Sometimes the roller coaster dips so much that you want to throw-up all over yourself. Then you remember that’s not a sexy image and regain your composure. The old “fake it ’til you make it.”

One should never congratulate themselves too much or berate themselves either. Be kind and patent with yourself as you would be to others (advice I need to take myself). Afterall, we’re all only human and the dips in life are inevitable. It’s only through struggle that we can grow. So even though it gives bad hugs, one really should learn to embrace the dip for this reason alone.

Ok, game time! Can you guess who this bio belongs to…

In elementary school, teachers thought that he was a foolish dreamer and one teacher had even asked him to drop out…later on, he did just that. Without a high school diploma, he had to take special exams to get into college. He failed the first set and had to re-take them. After graduation, he couldn’t get a job anywhere and was even rejected by the military!

Give up? It’s Albert Einstein. See, now where would this world be without people who fuck up sometimes in life?
http://www.happinessandwisdom.com HappinessandWisdom

I suspect that Conscious Incompetence feels much worse than it is. IN recognizing that it is the ‘normal’ learning cycle, you can set yourself free. In addition, when speaking in public, I’ve been amazed at how often I’ve left the stage thinking “disaster!” only to have people tell me how great it was and how helpful. Listen to your fans — their perspective on this is probably better than yours!

http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Happiness and Wisdom – I think you’re right – Conscious Incompetence often feels a lot worse than the reality of it. I’m sure people on the outside don’t notice it as much nearly as much as we think they do. Thanks so much for the reminder and the encouragement!!

Pingback: Top Five: September 3 – Jessica Malnik
Pingback: Embracing the Lows to Get to the Highs
Pingback: Embracing the Lows to Get to the Highs « The Living Blog
Pingback: Career Articles of the Week: Career Shmeer 9/3/10 | Careers Out There
Pingback: Noteworthy Post – September 3rd | StacyShade.net
http://foodedu.blogspot.com Samantha Foodedu

I’m sure the talk wasn’t so bad–we are our own worst critics. About the dip–I think I’ve been in it for a while, is that normal?
Great post–thanks!

http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Thanks Samantha – I think you’re right, the talk went better than it did in my head

And as for being in the dip for a while…sometimes it lasts for months! Hang in there…and you might like Seth Godin’s book about The Dip – he also talks about knowing when to quit.

Have a great weekend!

Pingback: Far From The Madding Crowd
Frenchelle

Wow. Somehow this simple idea just brought 4 months worth of clarity to my life. Okay I’m ashamed but ecstatic to say I just experienced my first “AHA!” moment of the year. I will be taping that diagram to anything and everything I can get away with adhering tape to. THANKS Jenny!!!!!

http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

Frenchelle — so happy to hear that this post brought you some much-needed
clarity! I laughed out loud at the part about taping the diagram to anything
and everything you can adhere tape to – hilarious! And I totally know what
you mean

Hang in there through your dips….the only way out is through but you’ll be
there before you know it! And thanks for taking the time to leave a comment

Pingback: Top Five Job Hunting Blogs | ApplyMate Blog
Pingback: On Habit Change and The Itchy Scratchy Art* of Saying No — Life After College by Jenny Blake
Pingback: ALIVE: 12 Ways to Wake Up, Light Up, and Find Your Bliss (with template!) — Life After College by Jenny Blake
Pingback: Everybody Starts Somewhere: My spontaneous speech in which I drop an f-bomb — Life After College by Jenny Blake
http://twitter.com/YelpBuffalo Ryan W

Jenny – I link to and reference this post all the time, and re-reading it today was just what I needed, as I’m in the dip with a massive new venture. I will also add that it’s important for people to connect with others when we’re in the dip and admit that it’s happening. Sometimes we’re so afraid to share the fact that we’re struggling, and isolate ourselves while we try to get through it alone. This helps no one. Especially since if everyone keeps quiet about the dip, everyone who hits it thinks that they’re the first and only one. Cue additional stress and disappointment in oneself.

Bottom line: You’re doing an awesome thing by sharing your troubles — and making it more likely that other people will make it through theirs!

Thanks,
Ryan