RSS

On Limerence…and – wait for it – a break-up processing template. You heard me.

by Jenny • November 22nd, 2010

Yep, I’ve gone and templateized getting over someone. Don’t judge me. More on that in a few minutes. First, a lesson and some thoughts on a crazy emotional love-related roller-coaster called Limerence.

What is Limerence? Hint: if Love and Lust had a baby…

If Love and Lust had a baby, they would name her Limerence. Limerence is a little crazy. She is wildly optimistic, hopeful, and obsessive. From Wikipedia:

Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush, but in reality it is something much different.

Does that sound familiar? Have you ever experienced limerence? Reflecting on that question was like asking myself, “Do you breathe?!”

Earlier this year, my dad could see that I was love-struck over a boy I couldn’t really have. Instead of lecturing, judging or advising, he simply wrote the name of a book on an index card. That index card and book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tenov, changed everything for me.

This is your brain. This is your brain on Limerence.

When we fall in lovelikelust (aka limerence) with someone, it’s almost like our limerent brain becomes a form of the lizard brain. If the lizard brain’s currency is fear, the limerent brain’s currency is fantasy. Sometimes we have fun living in fantasyland…but not when it becomes a torture chamber representing everything we want but can’t have.

It is inherent to the definition of limerence that the object of our affection – the romance of our dreams – is unattainable. Which is what makes limerence very different from love. Love is shared and reciprocated and eventually grows and develops into something real. Elisa breaks down the limerence experience beautifully in a post called Limerence and Licorice.

Components of Limerence (from Wikipedia):

Limerence involves intrusive thinking about the limerent object.Other characteristics include acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, and unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence. In cases of unrequited limerence, transient relief may be found by vividly imagining reciprocation from the limerent object.
Feelings of limerence can be intensified through adversity, obstacles, or distance. A limerent person may have acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably. This may include a tendency to devise, fabricate, or invent “reasonable” explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object.
A person experiencing limerence has a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. In their thoughts, a limerent person tends to emphasize what is admirable in the limerent object and to avoid any negative or problematic attributes.

What if you are Limerent and it is making you miserable, but you can’t move on?

Tennov doesn’t really answer this question in her book. She essentially throws her hands in the air and says, “beats me!”

I think the only way to counter the limerent brain’s pining is to ask, “What is REAL?” over and over again:

What are the FACTS?
How do I actually FEEL, averaged out, over the course of recent days and weeks and months?
Finally, how can I act from a place of inner integrity based on TRUTH, not based on what-ifs?

Enter the Break-up Template!

My next book will clearly be a “quit the CRACK that is limerence” how-to manual. You know, just as soon as I learn how to conquer that crazy beast in its strongest moments.

This template is an exercise from my upcoming book (mark your calendar for March 29, baby!). If you are going through a break-up or still trying to get over someone, the questions in this template will help you sort through your thoughts, mourn your losses, and start to see your situation more clearly.

Download the template here (and forward to a friend or give ‘er a rating if you like what you see!).

I want to hear from you. If you found this template helpful, would you let me know?
Did I miss anything? How do you handle break-ups? Any limerence-busting tips?

***

All You Need is Love E-Book – Now Available!

Speaking of Love and Limerence, my dear friend Elisa just released her free “All You Need” e-book, a compilation of posts in which 28 bloggers pontificated on love (myself included) back in February. Download your copy by hopping over to Elisa’s latest post here.

Happy Turkey Day!

To all of my American readers — have a wonderful Thanksgiving!! For those living in other countries, I promise to eat a few extra cupcakes for you

YUM. Cutest placecard EVER.

Are you new to Life After College? Welcome, and thanks for visiting! Looking for a portable life coach? Be sure to check out my bestselling book, Life After College: The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want for tips, quotes and inspirational coaching exercises. If you liked this post, consider subscribing to my blog via email. Want access to the Organized Like a Ninja Toolkit with 20+ kick-ass templates, and hundreds of tips and tools to get your life in order? Sign-up for the monthly “inside scoop” (email updates with personal stories, tips and resources). I look forward to keeping in touch!

40 comments

Categories: Books, Coaching, Cupcakes, Jenny's Favorites, Relationships, Templates

http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

First of all – BIG HUGE CUPCAKE FROSTING HUGS to you for the link to the eBook. Your post still stands as my highest visited guest post on the site, it was absolutely beautiful. So happy to feature it in the book.

Second of all, a link to Single Slice. Thank you! Limerance and licorice. Ah, summer love.

Third of all, to answer your question. I feel like I’m with Dorothy, throwing up my hands being all “I don’t know.” Other than what I keep trying to do. Sit down and write out what would have to happen for this relationship to work. Starting with things like “X will actually have to tell me he likes me back.” and working up to “Eventually one of us will have to move, because hundreds of miles is too much.”

When I sit and reasonably look at a sheet of paper listing out the feasibility of sustaining the limerance, it makes me realize that sink or swim I’m diving in. And if those obstacle are insurmountable (start with the whole “X says he likes me back”) then somehow its time to move on.

Which involves cold turkey and cold showers and cold coldness at night. But leaves our hearts and spirits open to someone who will be all limerancey back over us as well. Cause dammit, we are fabulous women and deserve at LEAST that.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  BIG HUGE CUPCAKE FROSTING YOUR WELCOMES!!! Clearly our blogs are inseperable. We should really give them some kind of “talk.”
  
  I absolutely LOVE your limerence-busting strategy of making a list of things that would have to happen for the relationship to work. Pure brilliance!! I need to add that one back into the post.
  
  Hilarious what you said about cold turkey (good timing) and cold showers. But you’re absolutely right – we deserve someone who is not only limerency, but willing and able to put action behind it and make things happen. Show that they also no longer want to be tortured by limerence’s clutches!
http://www.neverniche.com Clare Bear

I love this. I always encourage my girlfriends to write a “grievances list” after a break-up. Basically a Word document, detailed account of everything the guy ever did that irked/hurt/upset them. Then you read it whenever you feel like contacting him and it ruins the urge.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Clare — love it! That’s a great idea…so true that sometimes we need a little objectivity to realize things weren’t as perfect as we sometimes imagine in our mind (especially post break-up).
http://twitter.com/COlson1977 Christopher Olson

I…but…wha…? It’s so nice to find out that this has a name and I’m not the only one who feels this way. I am definitely familiar with the “acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, and unsettling shyness” portion of limerance, to the point where my brain keeps me awake at night stessing and worrying about recent interactions. It’s a relief to find out that I’m not bat-shit crazy. I think I need to locate Miss Tennov’s book and read up on the subject.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Chris! Your comment made me chuckle. No, you are definitely not bat-shit crazy (though I know the EXACT feeling). Isn’t it sort of a relief to finally know that “our crazy” has a name?? The book was super enlightening for me…I just couldn’t believe that there is actually a state between love and lust that completely hijacks your brain like this. Well I could believe it, but I thought I was the only one.
  
  Sorry to hear that it’s keeping you up at night…I like Elisa’s suggestion to make a list of all the things that would need to happen to move the relationship forward. Hang in there, and give the template a try too!
  
  As someone on Twitter put it, “Limerence is a bitch.” I couldn’t agree more! The highs are fun, but man do those lows feel brutal!
http://www.waterfallingupwards.com Sarah Kathleen Peck

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Another fabulous post, another reason I’d rather be curling up on a couch and reading my favorite blogs (all the while drinking hot cocoa and listening to great music) — rather than hustling and bustling my bum all day at work.

Love sucks, sometimes. And the limerance you describe cracks me up. As a recent survivor of the break-up issues you so eloquently master in your template, I must say, going through the emotional-think afterwards is surely the best way to muster up courage to move on. One note on the template: these ideas take days. If you could block out a calendar for each day and one small, silly exercise for each day ( a 30 day event, if you will), it would match up with the actuality of the break-up rollercoaster quite well. In fact … I may do a mock-up for ya if you don’t so much mind.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Thank you so much Sarah!! I know what you mean about wanting to just curl up on the couch with hot chocolate, good music, and good blogs all day
  
  I’d love to see your version of a template! Sounds like a fabulous idea You’re so right that doing a little bit at a time, over the course of a month (or several), is probably an even better way to help sort through break-up feelings. Or even making the same list over and over at different points.
  
  And sooo funny that you met my mom the other day! What a small world. Have an amazing Thanksgiving, my dear
http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

I don’t know about this limerence stuff. To me it’s just another fancy term psychologists throw around to define an aspect of the human condition that is indefinable – love. And if we learned anything from Elisa’s “All You Need” love series, it’s that everyone has a different definition of what love is to them.

Limerence is a label used by people who are scared or in denial of their true feelings. Or rather, people who want to simplify or trivialize their feelings so that dealing with those feelings seems less daunting and more manageable. I can understand that. And believe me, I’ve tried that! I’ve done everything to convince myself that it’s just a crush. That what I’m feeling isn’t real. And the biggest lie I tell myself – “she’s just another girl, you’ll get over it shortly.” Limerence or love, I don’t care what scary L-word you want to call it. But for me, it’s not going away no matter how hard I try. And I refuse to insult myself (and her) by chalking it up as silly limerence.

Although who wouldn’t want a cut and dry Wikipedia definition, a front to back book of explanation, or a nifty spreadsheet to sort out all your messy feelings? Remember, feelings are such a fucking nuisance and anything we can do to rid ourselves of the nuisance we are going to try. We seek answers. We seek logic. We seek resolve. So it’s no surprised the biggest problem that people face on this planet isn’t world hunger, but rather love! It’s one of life’s great mysteries.

I’m sure I would enjoy how Dorothy Tenov breaks it all down in her “Love And Limerence” book. But I would find it a bit frustrating that she provides no true answer on how a limerent person can move on. Of course that only reinforces my belief that if I’m STILL having trouble moving on, it’s not limerence/crush. It’s that other scary L-word. (I would write the word, but it causes my hand to tremble.)

Unlike Dorothy’s book, I know your book won’t leave readers hanging and will provide useful tips and templates to solving real problems. That is why I preordered a copy of it last week. March 29, baby! Crazy proud of you. Kiss for your forehead. I mean, knucklebump? Firm handshake? How about a firm knucklebump to the forehead? Or I can just punch myself in the head for not being as strong as a boy should be.

As far as your “break-up processing template” goes, I found it quite useful. Only thing missing, how to deal with the social media aspect of always being connected and knowing what the person is up to. Needing an earmuff warning before they announce they signed up for a dating site. And needing a stamp ontop of the Magnoila Bakery box that says “Not Thinking Of You.” Actually, needing that reminder everyday would be great. Denial is a friend of all.
- Clowjul
  
  Huh. If you liked/loved her so much, maybe you shoulda just called her.
Tricia

This is so great, one of the best posts I’ve read lately. Thanks! I can so relate. Can’t wait to download the template.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Thanks Tricia! I’m so glad you liked it — I hope the template is helpful too
  
  Have a great Thanksgiving! Thanks for stopping by
http://www.upgradereality.com Diggy

Hey Jenny,
Cool blog you have! Really like this article as I can relate to it (probably just like every other person on this planet).

I’ve never heard of limerence but I’m sure I’ve experienced it quite a few times. When I was younger I used to get it with every pretty girl who liked me and who I saw a couple of times.

It’s a horrible feeling actually, an uncontrollable impulse and obsession about the other person that makes absolutely no sense. The subconscious mind seems to take over and you are helpless and have to sit back and let it happen (unless you know how to deal with it).

The only thing you can do about it is learn to control it. Actively. Every time your subconscious pops an obsessive thought into your mind, counter it with a conscious thought.

At first this will require energy and effort, to keep countering your subconscious. But if you keep at it long enough, your conscious thoughts will become a habit, and become stronger than that limmerance. (haha, limmerance is not even in my spell check.)

Anyhoo, great post. I could talk about these topics for hours!

Cheers
Diggy
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Thanks so much for your great comment, Diggy! I really appreciate the kind words.
  
  It’s so true – it is a horrible feeling to feel like we have no control over our minds when they become obsessive about someone. It makes it hard to work, focus, and regain control over the day. I can totally relate to that helpless feeling when in the throes of Limerence. I really like your strategy of countering obsessive thoughts with conscious thoughts. That’s why those three questions were particularly helpful for me – about what is actually REAL.
  
  Hope you’re having a great week, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
  
  Looking forward to keeping in touch
  Jenny
Anonymous

LOVE the template! You asked the template-user all the right questions. Focusing on both the positive and the negative of the person AND the relationship. I actually think this template would be a good thing to fill out before going through with the break-up- to ensure yourself you’re making the right decision and you will be okay, and you will move on.

I especially like the Self-Love SOS. If you’re thinking about breaking up with someone it is really easy to forget what it feels like to be alone; and it’s pretty easy to go on a path of self destruction (read: ice cream, crying all day, staring at your cell phone waiting for a text). Thinking about what you can do for yourself is key– the idea is to feel hopeful, not helpless, after a breakup.

On a side note – I think you should make a “Should I break up with him/her” template! Like the pro/con list everyone makes, but maybe add in your awesome thought-provoking questions!

After seeing the template, I’m excited for your book!
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Thank you so much!!! So glad you like the template – I did feel that it was important to focus on the good AND the bad. Because the good is what we appreciate and will be sad to leave behind, but we can’t forget about the bad either. The good helps us learn/remember what to keep, and the bad reminds us that this person probably wasn’t The One for us.
  
  Love your idea for a “should I break-up” template! Now you’ve got my template gears turning again…
  
  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
http://raz-in-time.blogspot.com Raz

It is just me who read that and went “ooohhhhhhhhhhhh”?

Seems to explain a lot of my life.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  I love when people have that reaction…I had the same one! Highly recommend
  the book too (even though it’s a little old school).
  
  Thanks so much for stopping by, Raz!
http://twitter.com/deambrosejr Denis Ambrose

Jenny, thanks for posting this. It’s weird how life can sometimes a weird synchronicity to it, so weird that if I read it in a novel, I’d be mad at the writer for being so damn lazy. Had my heart broken this week, and it’s nice to know about this thing called limerence. It’s obvious that’s what I was “suffering” from. Little more self-knowledge, maybe a little step closer to happiness.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Hey Denis – I totally know what you mean about life being crazy synchronous at times (probably most of the time if we were truly paying attention). I’m so sorry to hear you had your heart broken recently — it’s such a bad/hard/sad/awful feeling. All I can say is hang in there, and you WILL come out of this better, smarter, and all around awesomer on the other side. Be good to yourself, and know that you have lots of friends on this crazy Internet – and we can all relate to the post-limerence crash!
  
  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving today
http://gradtao.com Alex

This sounds a lot like myDating Entrance and Exit Exam! I talked about it here: http://gradtao.com/2010/04/12/itsnotyouitsme/

I totally think we should do things like this after a break up or after getting over someone. It takes two to tango and we often leave a relationship with so many unanswered questions. I think it would be good to sit down with the person we are breaking up with or vice versa and talk it out. What did I do wrong? What do the other person do wrong? Etc.

Love it. You rock.

And Happy Thanksgiving to you, lovely!
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Alex – LOVED that post!! Brilliant. I SOOOO know what you meant about being exhausted from dating and needing a break from going after guys who all fit the same pattern.
  
  Also an awesome idea to go through this template *with* the other person (even cooler if that’s an option) – I love it!
  
  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving — so thankful to know you…YOU rock. Big hugs
Stef

LOL Jenny Blake, you are hilarious!!! I wish my life was exciting enough to apply this. Good times
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Hah – I do what I can to sift through my crazy brain to make things useful for people! Happy Thanksgiving my dear — you are amazing!!
Pingback: Writing On The Webb | Ophelias Webb
Pingback: Where The Eff Do I Start? « Still A Rock Star
Anonymous

Hey, Jenny,

Love the Break-up Template, though I think it could use a P.S. that reads something like this:

P.S. If you only “dated” him/her for a couple/few weeks and it was never a committed relationship, it doesn’t officially qualify as a break-up. Not really. So take a good honest look at what it was and what it was not, then let it go and get on with your life.

It cracks me up how we (me included — maybe even especially) get so attached to the idea of a relationship with a person that when we only hang out for a few weeks and it abruptly comes to an end we convince ourselves we are heart broken over the loss of the person. And in many cases, this is a person we have literally only known for the aforementioned couple/few weeks. This was one of the biggest “ahas” I had in regards to dating and break ups. So here’s the truth I now guide myself by when it comes to the end of a potential relationship:

If you’ve only known him (or her) for the few weeks you’ve been seeing/getting to know each other, it is more likely you are heart broken over the loss of the idea of the potential for a relationship than over the loss of the person.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I find this to be generally true and a real opportunity for us to free ourselves of unnecessary heart break. I could expend on this lesson for sure but I’ll leave it there instead of running on!

Huge congrats on the upcoming release of your first book! That is so, so very exciting!

Have an amazing day, and keep it real!
Shannon
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Hey Shannon! Verrrrry good point. I actually just wrote a Tumblr post today
  (for #reverb10) on this exact topic. I think you’re absolutely right that so
  much of what we mourn is the fantasy – particularly for those shorter
  relationships. It’s amazing how powerful fantasy can still be…
  
  Here’s the Reverb post:
  http://jennyblake.tumblr.com/post/2129521027/reverb10-day-5-let-go
  
  Thanks so much for your great comment…and the book congrats! Have an
  amazing rest of your week
Skldjfl

smurfs
Pingback: Why I think you should read other people’s blogs…
Pingback: Ophelias Webb » Blog Archive Limerence and Licorice - Ophelias Webb
parker

Thank you so much for the Google Doc. It has a great set of questions for self-reflection… thank you so much for sharing this.
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  So happy it’s been helpful, Parker!! Thanks for taking the time to comment and let me know
Jasmine Asbell-Wright

I’m so confused, scared, and relieved at the same time. I just found out what I’ve been feeling(I’ve had 2 LO’s) all through my life had a name. It’s always took 3-4 years at least for me to decline, and so far I’m on year and half with my 3rd LO which is the most intense one I’ve ever had. Im desperate to have someone to relate and talk to about this, everyone I’ve tried talking to about it thinks I’m just obsessed and crazy. I’m completely lost, and all I have to go by is all the information regarding limerence, none of which gave me the solution. But so far this is my first day actually knowing there’s a term for it and others who have this problem. I’m only 16, about to turn 17 in Oct., and have already been ‘in limerence’ 3 times. If anyone, boy or girl, is willing to talk and help me cope with this email me, please.

Thank you,
J.A
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Hey Jasmine — sorry to hear you’re in the rough spot of Limerence — unfortunately I don’t have many answers, but I would HIGHLY recommend ordering Dorothy Tennov’s book on Amazon — I think you’ll get a ton out of it. I’ll also let you know if I think of any other resources or people who might be helpful. Hang in there!
http://www.paige-sauer.blogspot.com Paige Sauer

I love the part that says, “How do I actually FEEL, averaged out, over the course of recent days and weeks and months?” It’s so easy when in limberance, to push aside the ill feelings that were had prior, and fantasize upon the sorrows and what if’s. Just today, Oprah had a segment on about how to handle anger. She said, “Forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Preach, sistafriend!!
-Paige Sauer
- http://www.paige-sauer.blogspot.com Paige Sauer
  
  Pardon me, limerence (that one definitely needs to be in spell checker)!
- http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake
  
  Hi Paige! So happy this post was helpful for you — it blew my mind to read about the concept of limerence! And I’m with you — definitely needs to be in the spell-checker
  
  Thanks for your comment!
Pingback: On Not White-Lying by Omission: 12 Mini Confessions — Life After College by Jenny Blake
Pingback: Lime rent | Premierpb