What To Do When You Feel Batshit Crazy

by Jenny • August 8th, 2012

Oh wait! I have absolutely no idea. 

I have an August link round-up post all ready to go for this morning. It’s full of articles I’ve been reading and interviews I’ve been doing . . . and . . . and . . . how can I post that when there’s a bigger truth clawing it’s way out?

Yesterday I told The Man that sometimes I need to process things in private before I can share them in public. What a load of B.S. Sure it’s true sometimes, but other times it’s just me being a big chicken about blogging.

The truth is, I’ve been preeeettty much a hot mess for the last few days. For reasons beyond my comprehension. I’ve had a pit in my stomach and a cloud of anxiety and sadness hovering over my head since I woke up on Friday.

I have tried everything I can think of to make it go away, in approximate order (some steps have been repeated):

  • Crying
  • Yoga and Crossfit almost every day
  • Walking through the streets of New York
  • Talking to The Man
  • Journaling
  • Getting to work – coaching, emails, meetings, working on MSH for the new class
  • Dinner and coffee with friends
  • Talking on the phone with people I love
  • Crying
  • Staring in the mirror – wondering how to make the damn waterworks stop
  • Faking! It! Till! I! Make! It! DAMNIT!
  • Cooking dinner at home with Julie (by cooking, I mean providing moral support)
  • Watching Sex and the City in bed
  • Buying self-help books on Kindle then berating myself for using them as an emotional crutch
  • Feeling exhausted by my inner critic: the Personal Development Police’s desire to constantly troubleshoot and fix me like a robot, ensuring everything out of my mouth is completely logical, attractive, and adheres to all self-help clichés
  • Bursting into tears on the phone out of nowhere during an otherwise “normal” conversation yesterday. Followed by . . .
  • Snot-nosed crying to friends and to myself about feeling like such a mess. Followed by . . .
  • A hot shower. Followed by . . .
  • Skipping yoga in lieu of eating Ben and Jerry’s Frozen Yogurt ice cream under a blanket while watching Bachelor Pad on the couch.

Oh yeah, you heard me. BACHELOR PAD. Yes, it has come to this. When all else fails, delight in the batshit crazy of others.

And then I realized, for the umpteenth time, reminded by friends and The Man, that I cannot MAKE this go away.We can’t ever just MAKE our feelings go away. Stuffing them down is simply a recipe for a volcanic eruption of emotion that will blindside you when you least expect it. Hello, yesterday afternoon! 

This is about all I know right now:

  • I have been feeling anxious. I can’t explain it.
  • I feel vulnerable.
  • I even feel….gasp….a little needy for a little extra love and kindness. And I hate feeling needy.
  • So by hating it, I am judging myself about those fears and feelings.
  • I am judging myself for not having it more together right in this moment. For not being stronger. More trusting. For not being in that relaxed, easeful place that I’ve been in the last few months (and loving).
  • I feel shame and embarrassment about all the crying and anxiety.
  • I feel worried that you will judge me.
  • I feel apologetic for being upset when nothing “on paper” is actually wrong and I have so much to be thankful for.
  • I feel sorry for “imposing” this mood on others, for burdening them with my seemingly-silly problems. Inner critic enters stage left: Careful! It could be contagious! Or become a self-fulfilling prophecy of hurt and rejection! 
  • I feel frustrated that none of my self-soothing fixes seem to be working. But writing this post and saying it out loud IS helping (albeit terrifying in it’s own right).
  • I feel scared to just sit in the discomfort, even though I know that’s really what I need to do.
  • I feel like this could all go away tomorrow (or today!), and that maybe I’ll feel dumb for sharing it all so publicly.

And yet, part of me knows, that there is something beautiful and worthwhile here. That, as my friend Sally reminded me, nothing is broken. That in fact, the willingness to be vulnerable, open and honest (and even to fall apart) is a major ingredient for love, and for living a big, full life.

And that actually, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, community that I respect and adore, I’m all ears — any words of wisdom?
How do you handle or sit with your feelings when they get totally overwhelming? 

And yes, the round-up post will go up soon. But at least you’re getting the deep-down-and-dirty-emotional round-up first :)

I leave you with these wise words from Brené Brown (thank you Jules for the reminder!) that have been very comforting for me these last few days:

“Your capacity to be whole-hearted can never exceed your capacity to be broken-hearted.”

Are you new to Life After College? Welcome, and thanks for visiting! Looking for a portable life coach? Be sure to check out my bestselling book, Life After College: The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want for tips, quotes and inspirational coaching exercises. If you liked this post, consider subscribing to my blog via email. Want access to the Organized Like a Ninja Toolkit with 20+ kick-ass templates, and hundreds of tips and tools to get your life in order? Sign-up for the monthly “inside scoop” (email updates with personal stories, tips and resources). I look forward to keeping in touch!

35 comments

Categories: Truth Posts

  • http://twitter.com/amberjadams Amber J. Adams

    Seeing as I’ve been feeling some anxiety lately (I was literally pacing the floor the other night), my advice is pretty simple. I write in my personal journal and I step away from self-help books and read fiction. I love a good personal development book, but I’ve found that when I’m feeling a little cray, they just compound the issues. Right now I am going through some things (big decisions looming= scary sh*t) and I’m just taking some time to get quiet to think, and focusing on doing what I love (journaling and reading good books). If you need a partner in crime for a cupcake run, you know where to find me! 

  • melissalywc

    Jenny – First, hugs to you. We have all been there, and YOU have even helped some of us (ahem, me) through the same things in our own lives. 

    That being said, I find that voicing the true belly of the beast to someone who is completely supportive and non-judgmental, usually starts the process of getting back to normal. Like @twitter-18248754:disqus below, I find that reading self-help books about it compound the situation, so instead, I force (yes, force) myself to ride the feeling out completely while celebrating as many small steps as possible. Sometimes it is silly things like sending an email without losing my marbles, sometimes it is big things like completing a coaching call. But regardless, I have learned that I need to be extra kind to myself and for some reason, the kindness inner talk, helps me move past and through the bat sh*t craziness. 

    Hang in there, the other side will bloom with awesomeness – it is usually the turmoil before something scary and huge is hatched to greatness. 

  • http://twitter.com/JillTPalmer Jill Palmer

    Love Love LOVE!!!! I’ve been having something SUPER similar lately… Which I’m currently calling my “upper limit” problem. I woke at 2am last night and sat there for 2 hours, FULL of anxiety over… what? Things are happening, things are moving at an incredible pace and I think its gotten me off-kilter. SO. I just decided to say “ok”. Just tried to surrender to it. Over and over again; I just said”Ok”. And then I gave myself a little metaphorical hug and told myself that I’m super proud of me and that we (me and the freaking-out-ego) can chill in this “freaked out” space for as long as we need to, that I’m not going anywhere, and that this “freaked out” space is actually serving me, somewhere, somehow.
    Thanks for this post! Love!

  • http://twitter.com/JillTPalmer Jill Palmer

    Collapse
    Love Love LOVE!!!! I’ve been having something SUPER similar lately… Which I’m currently calling my “upper limit” problem. I woke at 2am last night and sat there for 2 hours, FULL of anxiety over… what? Things are happening, things are moving at an incredible pace and I think its gotten me off-kilter. SO. I just decided to say “ok”. Just tried to surrender to it. Over and over again; I just said”Ok”. And then I gave myself a little metaphorical hug and told myself that I’m super proud of me and that we (me and the freaking-out-ego) can chill in this “freaked out” space for as long as we need to, that I’m not going anywhere, and that this “freaked out” space is actually serving me, somewhere, somehow.Thanks for this post! Love!

  • http://www.clareherbert.com/ Clare Herbert

    Oh Jenny! I can relate. First off, thanks for being so honest. Second, you’re not crazy. This happens – at least it happens to me with remarkable frequency.

    I start spiraling down the emotional, overwhelm road when I’ve been paying too much attention to the world & the people around me, and not enough attention to me. If I work too hard, am too productive or overly busy, the quiet inner Clare gets stamped on.

    So, I withdraw for 24 hours. Lie on my bed and watch movies or a great TV show. Read books. Eat wonderful food. Take a bath. Roll around on my yoga mat. Soak up the delicious indulgence of time just for me.

    Works everytime.

    Hope you feel better,
    C x

  • CJ

    I can totally empathize with this, because it was only a few weeks ago I had what I like to call my semi-annual nervous breakdown. I can usually foresee it, I start getting really anxious and worrying about strange things, or I get paranoid about work, and I start to cry all the time (office bathrooms, in bed, on buses, sometimes just walking by teddy bears in store windows).

    and each time (they do happen about twice a year with alarming regularity), I make the exact same mistake. I pretend I’m fine.  but pretending I’m fine is just me trying to shove the emotions back into the little box in my chest so I can get the lid on and lock it and not have to deal.

    and then eventually i break and everything I keep inside the box comes out and I have to pay attention to whichever integral part of my spirit has been screaming for attention for the past few months. And as soon as I do, I start to get better. I find a way to make that part of my life more rewarding and everything brightens, and everything gets clearer.

    So I guess my words of wisdom are that you’re doing great already. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying out different things to make it better (although I may question your choice of reality tv shows somewhat…) because at some point, in the middle of trying to make everything better, the part of you that’s trying to get its message across is going to stop and shout ENOUGH. (Hopefully it will be less dramatic than the sobbing that seems to hit me regardless of whether I’m at home or in an elevator at work.)

    And something will click when you hear that message and you’ll go on to figure out what shift you need to make to put you back at your best.

    Or as Kelly Cutrone put it, “it’s not a breakdown, it’s a breakthrough.”

  • http://twitter.com/ElizabethSeda Liz Seda

    Sometimes when things are going so well, you end up sub-consciously sabotaging yourself. How could such a wonderful situation last? Something is bound to happen right? Well no actually. 

    What I do:
    - I stop judging myself for however I’m feeling. If I feel it I feel it and I feel it all the way.
    - I cry. I cry and cry until I just get so tired of crying and its physically impossible for me to keep crying. Exhaust yourself.
    - I name it. I feel vulnerable. Period. And that’s fine. Lets just feel vulnerable for a little while. I just don’t indulge myself for too long. 
    - Let it happen: People like us want to solve problems. We want results and we want them now. Although there’s something under there going on, you may not be able to figure it out at this moment. The more you try and fail, the more anxious you get.
    - Never hide it. Don’t ‘impose’ it on random people. But the people who are there for you will be there. You’re entitled to a little confusion every now and then. 
    - Stop making it so important. Don’t put so much importance on what you’re feeling right now. I find that if I make it a big deal  to me, it becomes a big deal. Try to make it insignificant. I feel like crap. Oh well. Hell, I cried just this morning and it was awesome. Seriously. 

    Definitely ditch the self-help books. They make things worse when you’re really going bat-shit. 
    It probably will go away tomorrow. Probably because you decided to name it and stop trying to fix it immediately. That doesn’t make it any less important. That’s all I got to say ’bout that. 

    • John R.

      This is awesome advice. Do you write your own blog? (If you do, I should be following it.)

  • http://alexisgrant.com/ Alexis Grant

    Jenny — If we didn’t have downs, we wouldn’t have ups! Maybe all of these feelings is exactly what you hinted at — processing. Maybe it’s like exercising, where you have to go through some hurt and sweat and tears to have that breakthrough. You will come out on the other side stronger for it!

    Fresh ear here if you want to chat :)

  • http://www.opheliaswebb.com/ Elisa Doucette

    *Insert Cliched Platitude Here*

    SPIRL, I’m sorry you are hurting. And that my phone call was not better timed (I hadn’t read this yet, was just driving back from the city). Obviously there’s nothing anyone can say or do. Funks are funky for a reason. This sounds silly, but when I was on bedrest the thought that best helped my emotions and situation was that the only way to get over it is to go through it.

    Take the time to cry. To lie in bed and watch trashy TV. To embrace and explore the dark place because we need to know what is there and why it is affecting us before we can find the light again. To talk through our feelings, no matter how foolish they may feel to us at the time, because feelings are never foolish. Even when they are a fcking nuisance.  ;)

    Here’s to getting through the batshit craziness and into a wonderfully happy and productive place!

  • http://whatwouldanadultdo.tumblr.com/ Laura

    Hopefully writing it all out like this is exactly what you needed to start feeling a bit better. When I’m in one of these moods, sometimes all it takes for me is to get out of the house and go for a walk, check out the bookstore or go see a good movie. 

  • http://copperheadcreations.etsy.com/ Sarah

    Oh Jenny, I’ve been going through this lately, too, so I feel for you. Last night my husband got home from work and told me I looked pretty, and within seconds, I had Hazmat Level 3 snot running down my face. Sooo, I showed him! Ha.

    My anxiety/sad cloud also came out of nowhere this time, which is TERRIFYING, right? As rational people, we like to understand a cause-and-effect relationship for these kinds of things, but as far as I can see, it just snuck up on me. And actually, I am super proud of myself, because over the last few years, I’ve recognized that RECOGNIZING it is a huge achievement, because it used to be that one day I’d just wake up and not want to get out of bed. It’s sneaky that way. (Little bastard). 

    Other coping mechanisms include (If I can get myself to do anything other than sleep): talking to my husband and friends, definitely cry a lot (often spontaneously). I write, make things with my hands, cook and EAAAAT everything. EVERYTHING. I’ve also been sitting in our community garden, looking at the bees buzzing around their hive (which I’m sure creeps people the hell out, because it’s like, behind a bush and up against a brick wall. Weirdo alert!), and just taking walks (if I think I can do it without spazzing publicly). Last night, I did yoga for 10 minutes, then fell asleep on my mat for kind of an abnormal amount of time. My cat woke me up by shoving her whiskers in my face. My cat actually came to see if I was dead. And that fatty doesn’t usually move unless there’s bacon around, or I take out the vacuum cleaner, so, as Liz Lemon would say, “I’m not doing great.” Lol. But I’m dealing. 

  • Jess Hudak

    Jenny, thank you for your honesty and for delivering it in such a charming, witty, and funny way. You are the best! Although you might feel like you are out of control – you are an inspiration to me every day!

  • http://www.theunlost.com Therese

    As much as you feel like you’re falling apart, you’ve in fact got it all together– and you know that already, lady :) .

    “… nothing is broken. That in fact, the willingness to be vulnerable, open and honest (and even to fall apart) is a major ingredient for love, and for living a big, full life.And that actually, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”Thanks for the reminder as I’m going through a similar funk myself.We love you! <3

  • Andrea

    Parallel. Universe. 
    Me too. I have had TWO episodes of OMGICANTSTOPCRYING over the last couple of days. The first time I called no one. I kept repeating, “I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine” when in reality- I feel like I could start falling apart at the limbs at any time. The second time (this morning, I did call my BFF and sobbed to the tune of, “I just want it to all goooo awaaaaaay” (waaaah) 
    I think all I can say is that I totally get it about being a “professional” (snort) in the world of personal development and when shit hits the fan for us- it really hits the fan, gets all over the ceiling, in the carpet, everywhere. Inner critic says, “you should REALLY have your shit together by now. Stop crying. Now!” bounced back with, “What’s the lesson here?” “What is the Universe trying to tell me?” “Do I need some coaching on this?” 
    Um, no really, I don’t want coaching, I don’t give a shit what the Universe is trying to tell me and I especially don’t give a flying shit what the lesson is. 
    “Sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks…” – Forrest Gump
    Love you, Jenny!

    xoxo

    P.S. Bottom line: We’re human. 

  • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

    Loving the vulnerability Jenny. You’re not the only one out there feeling a little “batshit crazy.” It almost seems to be a pattern with several of my closest friends right now (including me). Maybe someone who knows something about astrology could shed some insight into this?

    Anyway, you know you have all the support in the world. 

    We always push, push, push ourselves towards growth, so naturally there will be tough times. Which I’d take any day over being stagnant and mediocre.

    Sending you a big ass Wolverhug from New Orleans and can’t wait to see you in soon in NYC.

  • http://www.ssylee.com/blog Stanley Lee

    Heh…I don’t know what to say. Ups and downs are pretty normal. The only suggestion I can provide without knowing more context is try to find a way to calm down.

    Fresh and perhaps more rational ears here if you wanna chat.

  • http://www.moneyspruce.com/ Jeffrey Trull

    I simply do my best to accept all these emotions as part of living. Like Alexis said, if I didn’t experience the lows, I don’t think I would hit the same highs. To me, it’s all part of the journey and just feeling alive, even if that totally sucks sometimes.

    I hope you feel better soon!

  • http://twitter.com/kristendynamite kristendynamite

    By writing this post, I think you’re well on your way, but allowing yourself to feel down, without judgement, is the best gift you can give yourself. As Therese would say, you are ‘perfectly imperfect,’ so try not to fight it and instead take care of yourself while you get through it.

  • http://www.caseycamilleri.com/ Casey Camilleri

    Everything about this post I can completely relate to and that’s why I’ve loved your blog for years now.  I got this way earlier this year and I decided to completely change my life around and take BIG risks.  Working towards something bigger than yourself that means so much to you can completely change your life.  I decieded to save for 4.5 months and quit my job to backpack through Europe for three months…solo!  I’ve also set a ton of realistic goals that are in line with all the important areas of my life.  Maybe you need to look back over your goals and reevaluate them.  You are living the dream though Jenny!  Also watching TED talks is always super inpirational. 

  • http://twitter.com/starjaggy Julie-Anne Geddes

    Hi Jenny – you could try Acceptance and Commitment Therapy if you haven’t already. This is expanding and connecting with the feelings of discomfort in your body, and then thanking your body for the unhelpful feelings /your mind for the unhelpful thoughts. So this is acceptance. Next, take your mind to your values and align yourself with them. Thirdly, take some action, do something in line with those values. The discomfort will probably return, just thank your body and start again.The philosophy behind this is too not struggle with suffering but to accept suffering. The three steps are equally important and people of often skip one of them. These ideas are present in Eastern religions, however Western psychologists have been studying this and finding symptoms dissolve. (it is what is now called an evidence based therapy meaning it’s not pop psychology self-help and has helped people with mental health issues.) The point is to accept suffering and if the discomfort lessens, then the discomfort lessens. So the caption is “Embrace your demons, follow your heart.”  I understand it is not everyone’s cup of tea to accept something one hates. It does take some discipline and is most difficult when feelings are most intense. Big doses of self-compassion are necessary. Mindfulness and gratitude are all part of this therapeutic approach. If this stuff resonates with you, I can send you some links, journal articles etc. Having said this, I think you doing really well … 

  • http://lamiki.com/ Laura Kimball

    I don’t have any words of wisdom as I’m going through a similar feeling. What helps is knowing that life is like a Ferris Wheel, when you’re up, you’re going to come down, and when you’re down, the next direction is up.

    Cut yourself some slack and let yourself feel this way. But keep talking to friends and trying to work through whatever this cloud is. Also maybe try something different…be curious and maybe that’ll open up something new.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.com Grace Boyle

    I know the feeling. It’s really weird when you can’t pinpoint. What helps IS just sitting there with your feelings and coursing through them. I love how you shared this with us because I know everyone can relate and furthermore, you walked us through your process. In the end, we don’t have answers to everything and that’s something I constantly have to remind myself of.  Hugs to you. I constantly remind myself whatever it may be – this too shall pass..

  • http://www.30yearoldninja.com/ Izmael Arkin

    Wow Jenny, 
    You bring up a very deep question. I don’t know the answer to it. Sometimes, I think pain, challenge, and sadness is a wonderful blessing and we just have to sit with it and explore it. How lame does that sound? It sounds like it’s straight out of one of those crazy spiritual books that says “embrace the pain, welcome the pain, love the pain”. 

    In my life, my greatest catalyst for change and growth has been those times of struggle. Though, as I get older I am learning how to grow in times of happiness as well. I thank God for my first heart break, the home sickness I felt when I left for college, the job that left me depressed. Why? Because all of these are experiences in my life that I credit for forever changing my path. 

    My guess is you are a very ambitious person. The danger of being ambitious is the desire for efficiency in all and everything. So you probably want to get through all of this ASAP. Unfortunately, maybe it doesn’t work that way… 

    But if it does, and you figure out a super efficient way to get through it please share it with me :) . 

    I hope this struggle leads to very powerful and beautiful change. 

  • Pingback: August Miscellaneum — Life After College by Jenny Blake

  • http://www.ShowandTellStories.com/ Monica McCarthy

    Yep. This. There’s something in the water. Or something. But just…. YES. All the symptoms you’ve describe sound like the virus known as the Human Condition.  Feeling like I’m coming down with a case of it myself. When you find the rememy, be sure to share!:)

  • Pingback: We're Going Streaking! | The Unlost

  • http://thingsafterrings.com/ Joanna Platt

    Jenny, I totally feel you!  I’ve gone through periods similar to this.  One on a smaller scale last week even.  I find that I kind of just have to let myself feel what I’m feeling, to just be mad, sad, anxious for a little while.  To just sit in it, feel in it.  And let it speak to me.  You’re right in saying that fighting won’t help, in fact it will just make it more painful.  Just acknowledge it, allow it, and in doing so, find out the message your true self is trying to communicate. 

    It’s tough when you just want to get back to your normal self, you just want this phase to end.  But, remember that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be right now. 

    Lots and lots and lots of love and positive thoughts your way!

  • Alex Grizinski

    Jenny – I know this hot mess phase is over for you, but I’m going to put in my two cents anyway :)  The biggest thing I’ve learned from my own crisis situations (as we talked about on our coaching call Tuesday), is that I always have mental breakdowns before a major period of growth or a breakthrough.  And like you said on our call, the breakdown IS the growth.  So my best advice to anyone who’s feeling this way is to accept the feelings instead of trying to resist them and then attempt to get to the core of why.  Once the “why” appears, usually the growth or the breakthrough or good news or whatever it may be, comes soon after.  The clouds part and the sun shines through and all that cliched schmaltz :)

  • Pingback: What do you need right now? | 17000 Days

  • Ashley

    Hey Jenny. Reading this about a month late, however, I totally know how you feel. In fact…I felt this exact same thing over the past week. I have a little better idea why it’s happening to me based on what’s happening in my life right now BUT these feelings were also accompanied by some intense physical pain that rendered me pretty much useless and extra frustrated :) So, it could be worse!

    As a fellow yoga teacher and self-employed entrepreneur, I sit when things get crazy. I stop and sit in silence and breathe. Sometimes, I clear my calendar and do something fun. For me, when things are totally out of control, the only thing I can control is my breath and my actions. So I make sure I’m extra intentional and I try and relax. That said, relaxing is the hardest thing for me to do on the planet, so it’s not easy! I hope you got some good quality relaxation time. In fact, it sounds like you did, you just judged that relaxation time as non-productive time. It was productive all the same. Just requires a change in perception. We can’t be on 24 hours a day 365 days a week :)

  • Pingback: On Seasons — Life After College by Jenny Blake

  • Samantha

    Jenny,
    Thank you for this post. I thought it was just me that gets like that, so it was nice to hear that someone who is as successful as you are is also susceptible to feeling out of control for no tangible reason.

    • http://www.lifeaftercollege.org jennyblake

      I’m so glad it resonated with you Samantha — thank you for taking the time to read it and share your thoughts. These posts are always a little nerve-wracking to hit publish on, but comments like yours make me so glad I did.

  • Pingback: Year-End Round-Up: Happy Five Year (!) Blogiversary to Life After College — Life After College by Jenny Blake

Previous post:

Next post: