Bloggers, particularly of the personal development variety, really have to be careful about white-lying by omission.

If we don’t make an effort to share the ugly, dirty underbelly of our lives, you might assume that everything we touch is covered in glossy gold perfection, and that perhaps there is something wrong with you if you can’t achieve that same nirvana.

I speak for myself on this, but I don’t white-lie-by-omission to you on purpose. Sometimes I need the introverted time to process what is happening. And sometimes I don’t share on the blog because I’m not even ready to admit to myself what my little ugly truths are.

I’m not revealing anything earth-shattering today. But I am going to exercise my own version of confessional and search for 12 things that I have been otherwise resisting saying out loud. If you’re feeling brave, I’d love for you to join me (at least with one or two) in the comments. It will help me feel like I’m not standing all alone on my island of embarrassing quirks

12 Mini Confessions

1. There are some days — more than I’d care to admit — where I cannot bring myself to work, no matter how large my to-do list grows. I spent last Friday watching all seven episodes of Revenge in bed. (For the record, that show is my new guilty-pleasure addiction.) Sometimes I wake up and I just feel flat out depressed for no good reason. I think it’s the change in weather and daylight — but I could just be making that up.
2. Sometimes the more my email inbox grows, the more days I spend avoiding it. I’ve even signed on to teach a second round of the Inbox Freedom webinar series because I’m hoping it will motivate me to tackle my own overwhelm. Join me if you’re feeling overwhelmed too.
3. As much as I try to be all “zen and sh*t” about my dating life, there are many moments where I can’t help but feel frustrated and sad. For years people have said things like, “When you finish the book…when you leave Google…when you move to New York…when you exhibit the qualities you’d want in a partner…” Check. Check. Check and check. No more outside advice…no more paradoxical cliches…once again I search for some peace of mind in my Open Letter to Love.
4. My coping mechanism for dating frustration is creating snarky Someecards that are not really appropriate for the front page of my blog and sending them to my #SPIRLBFF Elisa Doucette. Here’s the latest creation.
5. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind to limerence! How can such a logical woman spiral in circles about a guy she barely knows? I simultaneously love the fantasy and feel tortured by the thought that I’m making it all up. I know, I should just ask him out already. But I’m too chicken. Says the girl who quit Google.
6. I should write about dating on my blog waaay more often than I do. But I’m worried that you’ll analyze me or try to give me advice or that I’ll feel stupid. I know, it’s ridiculous. To fix this, I might start a 20-minute “Dating in the Digital Age” podcast with the guy I met online who ended up filming my book trailer.
7. Sometimes during yoga class I pretend I’m on stage performing. Gah! I’m a yoga teacher! I should know, more than anyone, that yoga is about turning inward; not comparing yourself to others or trying to impress (which holds true on and off the mat). But sometimes I imagine that I’m the world’s most graceful practitioner and the thought that I’m performing helps me extend through every limb. Is that so bad?
8. I get a notification from every person who unsubscribes from my blog or newsletters. Each time it sends a little pang of hurt, but I don’t turn them off. I like to think it provides feedback…keeps me on my toes…but really it’s just masochistic. I think it’s an inner critic tactic — grasping for evidence that whatever I just sent was total crap.
9. For the most part, I dislike Skype calls and won’t normally agree to them unless I do them all on the same day. Most days I’m working in my sweats with no makeup on, or still in sweaty clothes from going on a run. I only do something presentable with my hair if I’m leaving the house…for something other than errands. So when people say, “Let’s Skype!” I imagine the 45 minutes of effort I’d have to put in, and I ask if they’re okay chatting on the phone instead.
10. Even though my Four-Step Budget template is one of my most popular downloads, I’m in desperate need of a spending overhaul! I still haven’t really changed my spending habits since leaving Google, and I know I could be saving more than I am. This is even MORE important now that my income is unpredictable from month-to-month — and yet, I can’t seem to resist indulging all my food, shoe and clothing whims in New York.
11. My last Make Sh*t Happen (MSH) newsletter had a MAJOR typo in the subject line. It said “10 Tenants for Any Quest;” I used the word Tenants (renters) instead of Tenets (principles). It went out to over 600 people, but thankfully only a few noticed…or told me that they noticed. Hey — at least they were paying attention! I felt like a complete idiot. Unlike blog posts, you can’t update an email subject line after the fact.
12. The MSH course wrapped up last week and I have been so blown away by the people in it and the fact that IT WORKED that I got overwhelmed and haven’t shared anything with you on the blog. Partly because the participants and I promised each other that what happens in the course would stay confidential, and partly because I don’t want to be the annoying salesy-braggy blogger type. At the same time, this is what puts food on the table now! So I will post some love for the MSH course soon…when I can motivate myself to stop watching shows on Hulu and start getting back to work. In the meantime, check out this Q&A with Alexis Grant for more about the course.

I’m now laughing out loud in the middle of Starbucks. Have I made myself sound totally batshit crazy yet?!

How about you? What are one or two “truths” that you’ve been itching to offload?
Share in the comments — it might just provide some much-needed relief. . .

And when all else fails, make an ecard.

***

P.S. I am absolutely in love with this video, and the song that goes with it (We Don’t Eat by James Vincent McMorrow). It makes me so grateful to be living in New York:

Last December, during the magical week in which my friend Julie and I realized we simply had to move to New York, I met a guy.

He will be hereto referred to as The Guy, so as to protect the innocent, though the only one about to be embarrassed by this post is me. Now I’m just crossing every finger and toe, hoping he doesn’t actually read my blog!

Wherein I make myself sound like Debbie Desperate:  

Exhibit A: Me and my NYC-Angel Ann, on the night I met The Guy.

It was a snowy Saturday night at The Standard Hotel in the Meatpacking district, and I was all dressed up because I had just attended my NYC Angel Ann’s 40th birthday party. See Exhibit A. 

I’m not sure how The Guy and I started talking, but we didn’t stop until 5am. And no, not “talking” as a euphemism; ACTUAL talking. With words and stuff.

We talked about life, big dreams, grand career ambitions, side hustling while working corporate jobs, taking risks, tough financial decisions, and creating a location independent lifestyle. After last call at the bar, we moved into the lounge — ordered water and a grilled cheese sandwich — and the conversation continued.

I was smitten.

He was handsome, tall, athletic, intelligent, successful and humble. The Guy and I hung out a few times that week, then it was time for me to head back to California. I expected all communication to end, given that we lived on opposite coasts, but I was secretly hoping it wouldn’t.

During the week that we hung out, he was mysterious. A little hard to follow. I was never sure how interested he was. On a scale of 1-10, it could have easily been a 2 or an 8. After I got home, we did end up texting a little bit. I found myself thinking about him all the time.

The other day I joked that I’m dating my blog.

I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since I started getting serious about my blog and book — so, if you do the math, it’s been a little over 3 years. Apparently I’m even pickier than I am busy! So when someone gets my attention — really grabs it with chemistry and conversation — I’m hard-pressed to let go. This is a flaw.

It’s a flaw because I’m big on being treated with respect; but in a pining state, I accept so much less than what makes me happy. I settle for scraps – a text message here, a three-day (or three-week) wait time on the next reply there – and somehow project that things could still work out.

I tried forgetting about The Guy. Hard.

Do you know how many times I’ve been back to NYC since I met him? 3 times, including a one month stint. I still wonder about him every single time I’m there. I think about him when I’m out at night; when the conversations disappoint me and I wonder when I’ll feel that excited about someone again. Which is crazy, since he didn’t seem all that excited about me.

We hung out once when I was back there in May, but every sign in the universe (and my non-ringing phone) said, “He’s just not that into you.”

Note: If you haven’t read my post Love & Limerence (with Break-up Template), that is a MUST. It explains the crazy “addicted to crack” feeling that love and it’s crush cousin create.

Back in December I made a list of questions in my journal that I felt would help me work through the pining:

• The shame of wanting something that so clearly would be nothing
• Feeling crazy about obsessing over someone without it being reciprocated
• Identifying the gap between fantasy and actual reality
• Disappointment at not being able to move on

For the last seven months the questions have only lived in my journal for two reasons: a) I was debating when to embarrass myself by sharing this story, and b) I wasn’t sure if it would actually be helpful. But alas, as with most things, I’d rather put it out there and let you all be the judge.

{Check out the Pining Prevention Plan template} 

This is more of a reflection exercise than a template — and to be honest, it won’t PREVENT pining (I’d surely become a millionaire!) it will hopefully just help alleviate it. I just couldn’t resist that great 3P alliteration…can you blame me?

The questions will help you work through your pining and hopefully see your situation in a new light that helps you move on. It will work even better if you have a friend who can help you talk through the answers to each of the questions.

It’s still a MAJOR work in progress, so from those who try it, I would love to know:

Is it helpful? What other questions should I ask?
What helps you move on from someone when it’s clear things won’t work out?

And finally,

How on Earth can one person who we can’t have (or forget) drive us so damn crazy?!

Okay fine, that last one is rhetorical.

***

P.S. Make sure you actually visit my blog next week….the new redesign launches, baby! It will be the first time in SIX years that the logo and tagline will be updated (from when I designed my website myself in 2005) — among making everything else prettier too. Thank you Nina Cross!

P.P.S. If you’re not already, sign-up for my Inside Scoop behind-the-scenes monthly newsletter and you’ll get access to my Organized Like a Ninja Tooklit and 15 (!!) kick-ass templates for every area of your life.

It might be the double latte talking, but I’m totally fired up right now; I want to shake my people-pleaser self, look her in the eyes and tell her to STOP.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY ALL THE TIME!!

You can either go (emotionally) broke running around trying to please everyone, or you can spend your time creating, living and being AUTHENTIC to your own needs and desires. This is not new information — I’m sure countless blog posts exist on this topic (including my own Stop Auditioning for Other People’s Lives), but it’s time for a reminder.

This post is a letter to myself. Believe me — I am not up on a high horse…I am laying underneath one about to get trampled if I don’t turn this issue around! This post is also dedicated to any other “givers” out there (or Type 2/3 Enneagrams) who naturally get satisfaction from giving and making others happy.

A people-pleaser gets her wings

It started in Elementary School. I was a quiet, shy, fringe girl. I wore spandex shorts, baggy t-shirts, and Doc Martens. I wasn’t the pretty one or the popular one, but thankfully by third grade I had landed on a solid group of friends. Or so I thought.

We ate lunches together for months until one day they stopped talking to me and started pointing and laughing instead. Turns out the ring-leader of the group had bribed them all to STOP being my friend, but only after ALSO bribing them to entrap me into gossiping about her behind her back so she could later use it against me. “We never liked you, anyway” they all cackled during the lunch break in which they revealed the whole scheme.

From that day forward, I think I subconsciously decided to make it my life’s mission to never give someone a reason to turn on me. To impress, charm, please and befriend everyone I could so that I would never hear those dreaded words again; so I’d never have to watch my friends turn their backs on me (or stab me in mine).

Combine that with an ENFJ personality type that thrives on helping, teaching and serving others, and well — we are ripe for a major approval-seeking vulnerability!

It shows up in the pettiest, stupidest ways . . . all the way to much bigger fears and insecurities:

• Worrying sometimes that if I don’t reply to every tweet, blog comment or email that people will never write again…or worse, decide they dislike me because they interpret my non-responsiveness as bitchy
• Worrying that if I don’t say yes to all plans/requests or have a “good reason” for saying no, that I will massively offend the person asking (even if I have no energy to do said thing and would probably be a drag anyway)
• When I haven’t heard back from someone, wondering if I’ve done something to anger or offend, then over-analyzing until I do get some sort of sign that they don’t hate me
• Accepting less-than-ideal behavior from people I date because I don’t want to rock-the-boat by speaking up (even though when I do, I ALWAYS feel better)
• Wondering, after some social interactions, if I’ve “met expectations” or not — and have been cheerful/happy/engaged enough, or if I’ve disappointed the other person
• Generally being way more lenient and understanding with others than I am with myself

The wake-up call

Although I’ve been making a great deal of progress over the years, I continue to learn the following lessons:

• People-pleasing is exhausting. It is inauthentic. It means placing everyone else’s needs above your own.
• You cannot make everyone happy all of the time, and it is futile to try.
• You have two choices: you can spend your time worrying about other people, or you can bravely follow your own wants and needs.
• The universe rewards backbone.
• IT PAYS OFF to stick up for yourself, to say the hard truth, and to make the hard choices about where to spend your time and attention.
• It pays off in sanity. Ease. Lightness. Sense of self. Confidence. Clarity. And cajones.
• You are no good to anyone if you run yourself ragged trying to please everyone.
• Start with yourself so that you can give back (with gusto!) to those in your life who are worthy of your precious time, love and attention.

How to turn your attention inward:

• Author Brene Brown suggests making a list of five Most Important People: ”the short list” — of those who really matter in your life, or as she puts it, “would help you move a body.” Keep that list in your wallet, and when you ruffle feathers or do something that invites “haters” out to play, ask yourself what the people on your short list would say. If they’re on board, not much else matters.

• In her book, Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck suggests using a “shackles on” versus “shackles off” approach. Does this request/person/action weigh you down and feel tiresome or draining? Or does it feel exciting, energizing and uplifting? Whenever possible, make decisions based on the latter. Homework: over the course of the next week, ask yourself whether things feel shackles on or shackles off BEFORE making decisions.

• Another book that I’ve found extremely helpful on this topic is Byron Katie’s I Need Your Love…is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. As Katie puts it (paraphrasing from memory): “If you are worried about someone else’s business, and they are worried about their own business, then who is looking out for yours?”

• Free E-course by Martha Beck Certified Coach Amy Pearson called “I Don’t Need Your Approval.”  Pearson lists six steps for overcoming approval addiction: mindfulness, compassion, analysis, courage, vigilance and “enjoy!”

***

How do you scale back when you realize you’re people-pleasing or worrying too much about what others think? How do you reframe fear of rejection or the fear of letting people down? 

I used to always scoff at people who said I should try online dating because “[They had] met so many friends that way.”

How does that work, exactly? How does one delicately let the other down, then blaze the buddy trail instead? Or if neither is interested, is there really enough juice to form a friendship?

It begs the eternal hotly-debated question: can guys and girls really just be friends? (For what it’s worth, I vote YES.) It’s a mature move for two people who don’t mix romantically to decide that friendship would be a worthy consolation prize.

In December, with OKCupid’s help, I orchestrated a 4 dates in 4 days “Date-a-palooza” experiment (brilliant term coined by Elisa). Part “bite the bullet and get out there” and part “research for my next book”, one of the four outings was a second date with a guy named Jack.*

*Names have been changed to protect the awesome.

I wasn’t myself. We could both tell it wasn’t a fit. While dropping me off at the end of our date, Jack had the cajones to say, “I’m going to call this one at friends” and left it up to me to make the next move.

Snapshot from the outtake - in front of the SF Bay Bridge

One thing led to another and now my Online Date Turned Kick-Ass Friend, who just so HAPPENS to be a multiple Emmy award winning film producer (I saw those golden statues of glory with my own two eyes), graciously volunteered to film and edit my book trailer. Gratis. (Save for regular Chipotle dinners. I offered yoga, coaching or a motivational speech in return, but he hasn’t taken me up on any of the above…YET). Now THAT is what I call serendipity served with a giant heap of generosity.

I learned two important lessons from Date-a-Palooza: my third time attempting online dating was not the charm (romantically). It is simply not for me. At least not now, and especially not with all of this book excitement building and my attention focused obsessively on my baby.

BUT.

Second: when we let our egos go (as Jack did when he parlayed our failed date into a friendship), wonderful new relationships form. We get to know each other without the strain of trying to impress, woo or audition. We get to just be ourselves.

P.S. Look mom, I made a friend

Book Trailer Videos – I Need Your Help Deciding!

There are two cuts of the book trailer below — the first is 2:50, and the second is 2:00. For those of you with five minutes to spare, will you watch them both and vote in the comments on which one I should put on the Amazon page for the book?

The first has more narrative from me and more answers from college grads. Both were filmed in SF in front of the Bay Bridge and at Stanford University. The lovely Melissa Foster Cook was on Flipcam for the outtake at the end. Hope you like ‘em!

Life After College Book Trailer – Video 1: Long Cut (~3 minutes):

Life After College Book Trailer – Video 2: Shorter cut (2 minutes)

Learn more about the book on the Book Website or at Amazon. Want the nitty gritty behind-the-scenes details? Sign-up for my monthly(ish) Inside Scoop mailing list. For the book tour: if you want to join and/or request a stop, please fill out this form. I look forward to meeting many of you on the road!

***

P.S. The first recording of the “Inbox Freedom” webinar series is now up! Listen to Part 1 (~14 minutes) and Part 2 (~12 minutes), and be sure to sign-up for Session 2 next Thursday at 8:30am PST.

It’s as if you’re pounding on the massive doors of the kingdom of your wildest dreams. At first lightly, even respectfully, then, losing patience, louder and louder. You pray. You plead. You beg. You ask. You cry. You wail. And just on the other side of the door, your faithful, adoring subjects silently writhe, some quietly crying, all intensely feeling your frustration and loneliness.

Yet they remember all too well how, on the day you left, you made them swear not to ever open the door, so that you might discover for yourself…

…that it was left unlocked.

I hate when that happens,
The Universe
(Mike Dooley of Tut.com)

I read this quote in Dooley’s book, Manifesting Change*, earlier this week and I haven’t been able to forget it. After sharing this note, Dooley asks, “What doors have you been pounding on?” Which got me thinking about some questions for all of us.

I urge you to take five minutes to close your eyes (well, after reading) and really think about the following:

• Are you missing the obvious – the unlocked door – in any problems you are facing?
• Where in your life are you trying to force changes that you might not be ready for?
• Where are you straining with all your might without getting any results?
• Where might it be time for a different, softer, more trust-based approach?
• In what ways is the door – the world you so desire – already here, in front of you?

It might take you a few days (or weeks) to answer these questions…but start by becoming aware of the doors you might be (unnecessarily) pounding on and let me know what you find out.

A Personal Example:

I can definitely say that ever since I posted the Open Letter to Love, I’ve felt completely free and clear of relationship worries. I immediately felt the weight of the world lifted — I became so relaxed and happy, and I haven’t looked back since. It feels so good to openly declare to the world that I am going to stop straining for something that just isn’t meant to be right now.

In fact, I would be hard pressed to even commit to a relationship if one came around! After I posted the letter, one friend was concerned that I was just giving up, but my decision to walk away from trying to “law of attract” a relationship (bleh) has helped me embrace my own life and dreams more fully than I ever have.

The minute I stopped pounding down the door o’ looove I found true FREEDOM. I let out — as my yoga teacher says — “a loud sighing AHHHhhhhhhhhhh.” I get a big smile on my face just thinking about it.

Your turn for a public declaration – what unlocked doors will you stop pounding down?

***

*I don’t really recommend the book if you’re looking for “starter” self-help – it’s a little too out there in parts – but I love (and always get a great laugh out of) Dooley’s daily Notes from the Universe emails. For a list of my favorite development books, check out my fancy schmancy Amazon store or follow my reviews on GoodReads.

Yep, I’ve gone and templateized getting over someone. Don’t judge me. More on that in a few minutes. First, a lesson and some thoughts on a crazy emotional love-related roller-coaster called Limerence.

What is Limerence? Hint: if Love and Lust had a baby…

If Love and Lust had a baby, they would name her Limerence. Limerence is a little crazy. She is wildly optimistic, hopeful, and obsessive. From Wikipedia:

Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush, but in reality it is something much different.

Does that sound familiar? Have you ever experienced limerence? Reflecting on that question was like asking myself, “Do you breathe?!”

Earlier this year, my dad could see that I was love-struck over a boy I couldn’t really have. Instead of lecturing, judging or advising, he simply wrote the name of a book on an index card. That index card and book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tenov, changed everything for me.

This is your brain. This is your brain on Limerence.

When we fall in lovelikelust (aka limerence) with someone, it’s almost like our limerent brain becomes a form of the lizard brain. If the lizard brain’s currency is fear, the limerent brain’s currency is fantasy. Sometimes we have fun living in fantasyland…but not when it becomes a torture chamber representing everything we want but can’t have.

It is inherent to the definition of limerence that the object of our affection – the romance of our dreams – is unattainable. Which is what makes limerence very different from love. Love is shared and reciprocated and eventually grows and develops into something real. Elisa breaks down the limerence experience beautifully in a post called Limerence and Licorice.

Components of Limerence (from Wikipedia):

• Limerence involves intrusive thinking about the limerent object.Other characteristics include acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, and unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence. In cases of unrequited limerence, transient relief may be found by vividly imagining reciprocation from the limerent object.
• Feelings of limerence can be intensified through adversity, obstacles, or distance. A limerent person may have acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably. This may include a tendency to devise, fabricate, or invent “reasonable” explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object.
• A person experiencing limerence has a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. In their thoughts, a limerent person tends to emphasize what is admirable in the limerent object and to avoid any negative or problematic attributes.

What if you are Limerent and it is making you miserable, but you can’t move on?

Tennov doesn’t really answer this question in her book. She essentially throws her hands in the air and says, “beats me!”

I think the only way to counter the limerent brain’s pining is to ask, “What is REAL?” over and over again:

• What are the FACTS?
• How do I actually FEEL, averaged out, over the course of recent days and weeks and months?
• Finally, how can I act from a place of inner integrity based on TRUTH, not based on what-ifs?

Enter the Break-up Template!

My next book will clearly be a “quit the CRACK that is limerence” how-to manual. You know, just as soon as I learn how to conquer that crazy beast in its strongest moments.

This template is an exercise from my upcoming book (mark your calendar for March 29, baby!). If you are going through a break-up or still trying to get over someone, the questions in this template will help you sort through your thoughts, mourn your losses, and start to see your situation more clearly.

Download the template here (and forward to a friend or give ‘er a rating if you like what you see!).

I want to hear from you. If you found this template helpful, would you let me know?
Did I miss anything? How do you handle break-ups? Any limerence-busting tips?

***

All You Need is Love E-Book – Now Available!

Speaking of Love and Limerence, my dear friend Elisa just released her free “All You Need” e-book, a compilation of posts in which 28 bloggers pontificated on love (myself included) back in February. Download your copy by hopping over to Elisa’s latest post here.

Happy Turkey Day!

To all of my American readers — have a wonderful Thanksgiving!! For those living in other countries, I promise to eat a few extra cupcakes for you

YUM. Cutest placecard EVER.