Dips & Stomach Flips

I gave my first talk on goal-setting at a bookstore last week and I bombed. My friends and family might tell you otherwise…and several people said afterward that they really got something out of it, but in my heart and gut I know that I bombed. No amount of excuses – tired, busy, just starting out – could make up for how lame I felt. And by lame, I mean totally and utterly disappointed in myself.

Within 10 minutes of starting, as the camera man was throwing things at the store owner to get his attention, I started sweating and stuttering and wishing I could just quit. Stop mid-sentence and sprint toward the door. How the hell am I going to do this for 45 more minutes? I felt like a bumbling idiot at best and a disorganized motivational hack at worst.

Even after 5 years of training at Google and “faking it til I make it,” I’ve never been more uncomfortable at the front of a room. That feeling usually goes away within five minutes. It didn’t go away this time. I was laid out in the bottom of a dip and I knew it.

Live for the Dip…It Means You Are on Exactly the Right Track

“Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.”
—Sophia Loren

If you’ve ever pursued a big goal that took many months (or years) of commitment or tried learning a new complex skill, you have almost surely experienced the dip. The drop in motivation. The feeling of being totally frustrated and ready to give up at any minute. When you’re in the dip, you question whether this effort is even worth your time, and whether you are capable of achieving it.

The dip sucks the fun out. It waves the “how bad do you want this” flag and your demons tell you life would be easier if you just quit…that you could avoid all this discomfort by just walking away. But you know that’s not true. You know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, you just don’t know how long it will take to get there.

The dip is usually unavoidable. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, it actually means you are on exactly the right track. I’ve started repeating the phrase, “live for the dip” to myself and my coaching clients, because I’ve realized that hitting the dip is not something to avoid, it is a milestone worth celebrating. It feels uncomfortable, but it is necessary in order to move forward. Seth Godin published a book on this topic, but I prefer to reference a diagram I learned in many years of working in Training and Development:

Levels of Learning – The Conscious Competence Matrix

• Unconscious incompetence – You don’t know what you don’t know (ignorance is bliss)
• Conscious incompetence – The dip! You suddenly become aware of how much you have to learn. You might feel dumb, incompetent, frustrated or discouraged as you realize you need more skills, time or practice in order to move forward.
• Conscious competence – You’ve started to master the new skill, but you still have to actively think about whether you are doing it right.
• Unconscious competence – You don’t even have to think about it any more – the new skill comes naturally and/or finishing the goal becomes completely do-able. This is really the fun part, where you are flowing and “in the zone.”

This model applies to many different situations. A few examples:

• Learning a new skill – if you weren’t born with it, you almost always have to go through a phase of being a total beginner. You have to crawl before you can walk.
• Pursuing a long-term goal – when the adrenaline and excitement wear off at the start of a big goal, you’ll often get hit by reality where you realize how challenging the pursuit of this goal will actually be.
• Athletic Events - Marathon runners often hit “the wall” where they simply can’t imagine running another 100 yards, let alone finish the entire 26.2 (my wall lasted seven excruciatingly boring miles from 17-23).
• In relationships - you often have to have your first fight and work through it successfully in order to take your relationship to the next level.

Celebrate the Dip – A Few Words of Encouragement

• Big goals aren’t handed to you. You have to earn them.
• If it is anything worth doing, you will hit a dip.
• The dip is the toll you cross, the dues you pay.
• You will want to give up.
• You will question yourself.
• You will feel uncomfortable.
• You will want to fling yourself back into your comfort zone, but you won’t.
• You will push through it.
• And as much as it might suck, celebrate as you wade your way through the dip.
• Live for the dip.
• Laugh when you can; cry, scream or vent if you need to; and know that you’ll emerge stronger on the other side. Dragon slayed. Finish line in sight. Big dream conquered.

***

P.S. I’m going to be representing Gen Y on an upcoming panel discussion called Generations in the Workplace. The webinar will be held on Thursday, Sept. 9 at 12:00 p.m. PST. Click here to sign-up — I’d love to “see” you there.

P.P.S. Hopefully I won’t bomb this one

No related posts.

With South-by-Southwest panel submitters campaigning for the popular vote, SXSWi has definitely been a hot topic of conversation (at least among us online nerds) in recent weeks.

A reader sent me an email asking if I had any ideas for how she could make her big goal of attending happen, and I thought others might benefit from the response (which could apply to all goals with a financial component). I also know that my readers (ahem, YOU) are some of the most encouraging, brilliant people I know. If you have extra ideas please share your two cents in the comments!

As a quick aside: please take a moment to support my Big, Scary, Hairy Goal of speaking at SXSW by voting for my panel, “Got 99 Problems But a Blog ‘Aint One” (from blog-to-book: how to pursue a traditional publisher) by this Friday, August 27. You do need to create a free account to vote…so thank you in advance! I’ll be so excited (albeit terrified) if the powers-that-be actually choose my panel…

Without further ado…StacyAnn’s Question:

Hi Jenny,

I’m writing to ask about a goal that I have set for myself. I know you routinely give great advice on goal setting. My goal is to attend SXSW in 2011. However I fear this is not a practical goal and Suze Orman would probably deny me since I’m currently campaigning for a new job. How do balance an experience goal vs a stuff goal?  What about balancing feelings that you will have to push your goal back?  Finally do you have any tips on making SXSW more affordable?  I couldn’t find any posts on this topic.

Thank you,
Stacyann

My Response:

Hi Stacyann,

I think it’s AWESOME that you’ve set a goal to attend SXSW in 2011, and you’re not alone in needing to figure out how to raise the money for it (I have lots of blogger friends in the same boat). If you are excited and energized by the goal and it’s important to you, Suze Orman would definitely give you the go-ahead, she would just tell you to make smart choices about how you get there (ie don’t go into debt). When a goal is really “soul-stirring” (a term coined by Tim Gunn), you can almost always find a way to make it happen. That said, if you end up having to push it back, don’t beat yourself up over it.

Here’s what I would do:

• Research: Figure out exactly how much money you would need to attend (hotel, conference pass and daily expenses)
• Make your goal clear: Write it as a question at the top of a sheet of paper: “How can I raise $X between now and Y-DATE to attend SXSW 2011?” Then brainstorm for 30 minutes — or until you reach 50 ideas.
• Get motivated: Make a list of reasons that it’s important to you to attend (just part of getting the motivation you’ll need to pursue the goal)
• Brainstorm ways to cut costs: See if you can stay with a friend or a friend-of-a-friend in Austin – that would cut costs way down. Brazen Careerist and 20-Something Bloggers also have sub-groups for SXSW – I’d join those and see if other bloggers are looking for roommates.
• Cost-cutting part two: Look at your last two credit card statements (I use Mint.com) and see what you could cut between now and next March to save money. If you really want to get serious, set-up a side account and have money direct-deposited every month between now and then (I use INGDirect)
• Brainstorm ways to raise money: Do you have any ways of making extra income between now and then? Babysitting, tutoring, consulting, etc.
• Ask for help: Put out a call to your network – consider starting a Smarty Pig account to raise money. You might also ask for contributions for Christmas (or a birthday if you have one between now and then).

Good luck!! I know you can do this — and you’ll have such a blast. Austin is awesome, and the people who go are so smart and so much fun. You’ll have to keep me posted on your big goal!

Jenny

***

I’d love for you to chime in since nothing beats crowd-sourced wisdom: do you have any other ideas or words of encouragement for Stacyann (or others) raising money for a Big, Scary, Hairy Goal?

No related posts.

I feel like I just sent myself to my room: GROUNDED due to blog neglect. And don’t come out until you are ready to apologize!

So here I emerge, tail between my legs, with a bit of an apology. See, even if you didn’t really notice or didn’t really care, I know that I’ve been neglecting you these last few weeks. I haven’t been living up to the high standards and twice-weekly publishing schedule I try to uphold on this blog. Because I don’t want to waste your time with sub-par content, I end up not publishing anything at all, even though I have so much I want to say and share.

The truth is that I’ve been overwhelmed (AGAIN). Contrary to popular belief (at least based on a handful of humbling and incredibly nice emails I have received recently), I do NOT have it all figured out. “It” being this magical place where accomplishment AND inner peace co-exist, where I seamlessly balance life’s demands while walking a tightrope of my own expectations, and where I pay-close-enough-attention-to-but-somehow-don’t-over-feed my crazy emotions that seem to run amok every day.

So I have been prioritizing the book, my day job, my sleep and my sanity over just about everything else. I haven’t been writing as much as I would like, responding to emails in a very timely way, commenting on other blogs, tweeting or really upholding my end of the social media bargain. But we all need a break sometimes (or a turtle shell to hide under), and this has been mine.

That is not to say I haven’t been thinking about you. Drumroll, please! Enter THE MOST RANDOM POST OF ALL TIME.

Things I’ve been wanting to ask/say/share these last few weeks:

1. I would love your support for my SXSW Panel - I’m pretty much scared shitless to even tell you about this panel (let alone lead it), which is why I know it’s important that I do. I submitted a proposal to speak at SXSWi (tech-geek heaven) called “Got 99 Problems But a Blog Ain’t One” to help bloggers understand what it takes to get a book deal even without a gigantic platform (much like my inside scoop book newsletters). In order to have a shot at presenting, I need your help — will you vote for my idea if you think it’s a good one (even if you’re not attending)?
2. If I Had Known Just One Thing E-Book – I’m a contributor in the free career-related e-book compiled by Shane Mac called “If I had known just one thing.” You can either download the book as a PDF, or navigate through the fancy HTML pages (using your arrow keys). My submission is called “Don’t Wait.”
3. Book Photo Voting & Contest Winner - Thank you SO much for the comments and votes. I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to your comments, but I read every single one and appreciated them so much — you have no idea. I still haven’t decided which picture I’m going with; the popular vote seems to be for photo #2, but I might just be leaning toward #1 (both need a closer crop). And (drumroll again) the winner of the first-ever-giveaway of my own book is Sneha — congrats! The book is in the mail (and by mail, I mean off to the copy-editor for the final round of edits. Eek!)
4. Career Moxie BlogTalk Radio Guest Spot – I speak with hosts Tiffany and Allison about why you don’t need an official mentor (and share what inspired me to write my book). The show is about 30 minutes long, and covers how to create informal mentoring relationships and how to find mentors in unexpected places.
5. Psychology Today article mention - Speaking of mentors, one of my favorite people, Susan Biali, recently wrote an article for Psychology Today based on conversations we’ve had recently about time management, saying no, and taking care of ourselves. The article is called, “Shackles or soul-stirring? Decide before you commit.” The part where she quotes my email response as “Eeeeeeeeeee!!!” cracked me up. Guilty as charged
6. Hosted Pam Slim for an Authors@Google Talk – I was very excited to host Pam (another role model who blogs at Escape From Cubicle Nation and has a book of the same name), for an Authors@Google event earlier this month. She makes a case for building a “side hustle” (either within your company or outside if it) as a critical part of being successful in the workforce. Check-out the 45 minute video (with a short intro from yours truly).
7. Coaching update – after 2.5 years, 115 training hours, 100+ 1:1 coaching hours, 9 supervised calls, a written exam, an oral exam, and 2 major 3-month long “I’m not cut out for this” dips, I am now a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC)!

Just for Fun:

• Check out these AWESOME retro aprons from Cupcake Provocateur (sent by my fabulous friend Jenny Ferry)
• Want a song with so much bass it will make your butt vibrate when you listen in the car? Download Bassnectar’s Bass Head
• Need some inspiration? Check out 10,000 Ideas and Resources for Writers
• I was honored to be a guest speaker with Merlin Mann at an ASAE event this week. Check out an awesome talk he recently gave at Rutgers on Time & Attention.

Blog Posts I’ve Loved Recently:

• Andrew Weitsman’s “Time Enough for a Life“
• Danielle LaPorte’s “Your Permission Slip from the Universe“
• Elisa Doucette’s “There is a Time for Everything“
• Derek Shanahan’s “A Day in the Life“
• David’s transcription of an awesome “How to be Alone” video on YouTube by Tanya Davis
• Ben’s “Energy Bankrupt“
• Doniree’s “Input-Output and a Calm Presence“
• Chelsea’s “Wrestling My Muse into Submission is like fighting a RABID. DOG.“
• And finally, congrats to Ryan who just landed an awesome new gig in Kansas City and Grace on her 2-year blogiversary!

Words of Wisdom from a Recent TUT’s Notes from the Universe:

You’re the only person who knows what’s right for you. The only one.
And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don’t, commit to nothing.

Only you know,
The Universe

That’s it for now…I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week! I’m off to continue my search for a life filled with rainbows and unicorns. Or just watch some so-bad-it’s-GOOOOD reality TV.

Related posts:

1. May Mash-Up: Random Thoughts, Quotes, Advice & Links I’d like to take a quick break from my regular...
2. Miscellaneous Musings Too many ideas in my head this week! Instead of...

Exciting times, my friends! I just got back from L.A. where I took author portraits at my alma mater (Go Bruins!) with my mom’s childhood friend –  photographer Mark Hanauer. I am also working on cutting the draft of my book down to 300 pages (from 450), per my editor’s request. Next steps are copy-editing and cover design…eeee! Want to know more? Follow more detailed book updates by joining my monthly-ish “Inside Scoop” book newsletter.

Back Cover Photo – Share Your Two Cents!

I tend to be indecisive, so I put my two favorite pictures up for a Facebook vote on Friday…but the results were pretty split (thanks to everyone who already chimed in!). I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — which picture do you think is a better fit for the back of the book? Both pictures can be cropped in closer. I want to come across as relatable…and telepathically inspire people to actually buy a copy

And just for fun, I’ll use Random.org to pick a winner from the comments and you’ll get a signed copy when it comes out next March (that is the first time I’ve mentioned giving away a copy of MY OWN book…what a trip!). Just make sure you weigh in by Friday, August 13.

Option 1 (Royce Hall, UCLA)

Option 2

“Behind the Scenes” Videos from Picture Day

Guest appearances (in no particular order) by my brother Tom, his girlfriend Gil, the photographer Mark, and Chantal Moore, the fabulous makeup artist. Note: The videos are awkwardly tall (and unedited) – taken on my brother’s iPhone 4.

• Video 1 – Makeup and an intro to Shaq the dog
• Video 2 – “Feels like a little slice of heaven”
• Video 3 – Introductions (how you know you’ve made it into the inner circle)
• Video 4 – Walking down Royce Hall for that windblown look

***

P.S. I’m also excited to share the launch of DoesNot.com from another family friend, Bob Gordon, a lawyer and fellow Bay Area resident. Bob has been part of a team working on this website for over 15 years. It’s super interactive and the purpose is to “enhance creativity, self worth and empowerment among youth” through 8 interactive environments. Artists can upload their own videos to share with friends, and users can download and remix songs they like. Check it out if you get a chance!

No related posts.

If pictures speak 1,000 words, I’ll let the first one in this post express the total calm and beauty I experienced on my river trip last week. I loved every unplugged second of it. Great food & guides (thank you Echo!), great people, great yoga, and endless little moments of laughter, connection and perfect weather.

But the best part of all was letting myself roam completely free for an entire week. No to-dos, no make-up, no emails, no gadgets, no worries. It was truly a vacation for the soul.

Rogue River - Southern Oregon

Which brings me to this blog post. You know how much I love metaphors as life lessons (some favorites: domesticating jaguars, lifting the oars, panicking during a triathlon & living a sandboxed life); I couldn’t help but gather 20 gems from my week-long river rafting trip (with my friend Julie’s help during our drive home). I’ve only just scratched the surface – I’m sure there are dozens (if not hundreds) of other little life lessons that could be gleaned from the experience, so feel free to add others you can think of in the comments!

20 Life Lessons I Learned on the Rogue River

1. Contrast makes the world go ’round. The crazy, hectic lives we lead back home made relaxing on the river incredibly fulfilling. Also: squatting to pee and finding a dying bee in my mop of river-dreadlocked hair gave me an entirely new appreciation for toilets and warm showers. And this, my friends, is why contrast makes the world go ’round. Highs and lows, happiness and sadness, the comforts of city life versus life stripped to the essentials are what keep things exciting.
2. It’s a lot harder to paddle back upstream than it is to just keep moving forward. No matter how much you may want a do-over for the rapids in your life, you’ve got to just keep moving. What’s done is done. Find your place back in the current and let the river take you forward. And if you are going to paddle upstream, make sure it’s for a good reason (like helping a friend), because it’s a helluva lot of work.
3. Sometimes you have to cut your baggage loose to get unstuck. On Day 3 one of the boats got caught in an “aggrivated perch” on a challenging Class 4 rapid where the force of the water held the boat locked against a giant rock. The only way for the two guides in the boat to set it free was to literally start cutting bags loose since they were anchoring the boat in the wrong direction. Finally, after freeing a few big bags and the coffee maker, the guides were able to wrest the boat free from the rocks. What baggage do YOU need to cut loose in order to keep moving?
   
4. Sometimes you stand up with a stick in your ass. Literally. Have a good laugh and carry on with your day. This is probably TMI, but after peeing in the woods one day, I stood up and realized there was a stick caught between my cheeks. Stop laughing…it happens, okay?!?! I had a good hearty laugh and realized it was oh-so-metaphoric for all those days we wake up on the wrong side of bed. You might not have put the stick there, but you do have the power to take it out.
5. There’s no point in suffering from heat-stroke on a hot day if you have an entire river below you. JUMP IN! Sometimes I think we let ourselves get so hot, sweaty and miserable in our lives that we forget the answer to our problems can be right beneath our feet. For a day on the river, there’s nothing a jump into refreshingly cold water can’t fix. For a day off the river, look for those obvious opportunities to let loose or feel better. They are everywhere if you just open your eyes and look around.
6. Sometimes the unexpected swim (after falling out of a kayak while going through a rapid) is even better than the ride you planned. Live for the unexpected adventures in your life. Let your mistakes be a part of the fun. Sometimes they are the best part.
7. In moments of panic, don’t jump ship right before a big rock. One of the kids on our trip was planning to go through a rapid on the inner tube. Right as he approached a big rock (that the tube would’ve bounced off of), his eyes got wide and he panicked. Instead of gripping the tube and hoping for the best, he jumped out and was left to fend for himself as a swimmer through the rocks. Our big goals almost always require confronting big rocks – hold on tight and have faith that things will work out.
8. Stake out the big rapids in life and plan your course before going through. For the biggest rapids on the trip we parked the boats, hiked up to see what was going on, and went over how the guides would paddle through. A little planning went a long way toward reducing uncertainty and making sure everyone felt comfortable.
9. On the other hand, sometimes the more you think and plan, the harder something becomes. If you hesitate for too long at the top of a cliff jump (or natural water slide), you’ll scare yourself out of it. Just go!
10. People are fascinating if you get curious. Take the time to get to know people. Ask what they do for fun, what lights them up, what the best part of their day was. People are so much more interesting than the answer to the routine “so, what do you do?” question — stretch yourself and make the effort to really get to know people. It’s worth it.
11. Itching mosquito bites only makes them worse. As tempting as it may sometimes be, don’t engage or encourage unwanted things or people in your life. Let them be.
12. It’s okay to let go sometimes and let someone else do the work. For a good majority of the trip, I sat high up on one of the oar boats in a spot that we dubbed “the princess perch.” It was piled high with bags, and I used the inner tube as a pillow. For once, I didn’t care that I wasn’t the one paddling – I was perfectly happy to relax and let someone else take charge. Mission Relax & Slow Down = SUCCESS!
13. If you always sleep in the comfort of your tent, you’ll miss the stars. I slept outside on the last night under the glow of moonlight with zillions of stars poking through the leaves of the trees, and it was absolutely gorgeous. Sure, I got a few DOZEN mosquito bites, but it was well worth it.
    
14. Friends are like life jackets. Sometimes you don’t realize how important they are until you fall into the water and they’re there to keep you afloat. So be good to your friends even when you don’t NEED them. Especially when you don’t need them.
15. Keep your tent zipped if you want to keep the bugs out. Don’t get sloppy about who and what you let into your life. Better to keep your tent zipped than to sleep with ants and mosquitoes at night. That said, also be open to letting new people and experiences into your proverbial tent.
16. Being unplugged – truly, 100% gadget-free unplugged – is like giving your brain a clear, calm beautiful day on the river. Emails and commitments are like little pebbles that pile up in your brain. Obsess over them and they become big rocks that cause big rapids. Make sure you give yourself frequent breaks from the pebbles of your life.
17. Get the right people on your boat (or your river trip). Whether you’re spending a day or a week (or more) with people, the ride will be much more enjoyable (and your paddle crew more effective) if you pick the right people up front. Our trip was awesome, largely because of the people and river guides who were on it with us.
18. You can do all the planning in the world and you’ll still forget to pack your river pants. I had a packing list. I had a checklist. I started packing a week in advance. I laid all my clothes out before neatly packing them in my duffel bag. And guess what? I still somehow managed to leave one of the most important items of the trip at home. Sigh. Thankfully, my friend Julie forgave my stupid error and let me borrow her extra pair of pants.
19. Getting there is half the fun. The road-trip up to Oregon took about nine hours each way, and my friend Julie and I laughed, vented, shared and played little games (like taking turns listing proudest life moments) through redwood forests, small towns and big curving mountain roads. It was incredible, and I’m so glad we left ourselves extra days to enjoy the ride there and back.
20. Life on the river is not about what you do, how you look or where you live. It is about who you are, how much fun you’re having, and the connections you make with nature, with yourself, and with the people you are surrounded by.

Special thanks to Susan Fox, an incredible life coach and yoga teacher, who organized the trip and led two daily yoga sessions with the group. There is something magical about doing tree pose while staring at a river bank lined with lush green trees, moving into triangle and looking up to see a bald eagle soaring across the blue sky, flipping into waterfall pose (a backbend) with the sound of rushing water in the background, then later ending with savasana (corpse pose) by relaxing onto the hot rocks warmed by sunlight as we finished our practice. The yoga (and entire trip) was truly a little slice of heaven.

Namaste.

Group Photo (that's me in the middle doing Bakasana...not easy on a downhill slope!)

***

P.S. Hat tip to Grace Boyle for recommending the AWESOME book I started reading on the trip. Shantaram is a 900+ page door-stopper novel/memoir about a recovered heroin-addict who escaped over the front wall of an Australian prison (after being committed for armed robbery) who then fled to Bombay where he set-up a free medical clinic in the slums and started working for the Indian mafia. Crazy, right?! Grace also sent me an overview video from the author, Gregory David Roberts, a fascinating man whose book is a total page-turner must-read about life, love, regret and redemption.

P.P.S. Two great (free!) e-books came out while I was gone – check ‘em out:

• What I Know About Getting a Job: Advice from Top Bloggers in HR (edited by Rich DeMatteo of Corn on the Job, in partnership with Brazen Careerist)
• Fearless Health: How to Thrive in an Unhealthy World (by Matt Gartland of Healthy Lifestyle Design)

Related posts:

1. Triathlon: 5 Things I Learned From Panicking… then Finishing I would be remiss if I didn’t write the obligatory...

I just read an awesome book, The Back of the Napkin: Solving Problems and Selling Ideas, and it inspired me to post this next update as a doodle:

That’s right – starting tomorrow I am going to be UNPLUGGED for eight glorious days. My friend Julie and I are going on a road-trip to Oregon for a 5-day yoga/rafting expedition.

No gadgets, no computer, no email, no phone, no chargers. I will be officially detoxing from all things tech. See you all when I return the week of July 26!

***

P.S. Life After College now has a Facebook page – give ‘er a like if you want to!

P.P.S. Gen Y’ers: My friend Lauren needs 30 more survey respondents to reach her goal of 1,000 for a Bowdich Research Study. Help her out if you can

No related posts.

I love chocolate-covered pretzels for their salty-sweet deliciousness. Rejection has similar contrasting qualities for me. At first it feels like salt in an open wound, then it almost always turns into something sweet later down the line. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t love getting rejected, but I don’t hate it either. In fact, part of me kind of likes it.

If I get rejected, I know I tried. I put myself out there. I know I can stand tall and later say, “their loss!” (you know…the classic heartbreak recovery line).

“All great innovations are built on rejections.”
−Louis Ferdinand Celine

A Few of My Favorite (hah – I only say that now) Rejections

The examples below are three of my most memorable rejections. Badges of honor. In one sense I am still baffled by them, but in another I know that they helped me get to know myself better and make other plans, proud that at least I put myself out there. (My friend Srinivas Rao wrote a post recently called “8 Failures that Have Led Me to Where I’m at Today” – a great read along similar lines)

• Colleges – My senior year of high school, after I won the California Journalist of the Year award (and made it as a national finalist), I got rejected from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism. I also got rejected from every East Coast school I applied to. So much for my dream of being a journalist and/or moving across the country. I absolutely loved UCLA (it led to the start-up that led to this blog), but a part of me still feels incomplete never having lived outside of California.
• My last serious boyfriend - after chasing and flirting with him for, oh, FIVE MONTHS, I finally got up the nerve to ask him out back in 2006. Twice. The first time his back gave out (sign from the universe that I shouldn’t date someone 14 years older?) and the second time he just made up an excuse and said no. To this day, it still baffles me that two weeks later we ended up at a baseball game together with a mutual friend…then dated for a year and a half after that.
• My book – it got turned down by 27 different publishers before I got an offer. They all had their reasons, but the most popular were: my topic was too generic and had no “hook,” my platform wasn’t big enough, my audience doesn’t buy books, it won’t sell past graduation season, and the “after college” market is too competitive. Each rejection stung a little bit, and the compound effect of hearing about rejection after rejection was discouraging, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I kept the faith because I knew that it would just take one offer. And I couldn’t be happier with the one that I got.

My dad has a dating theory that men should get rejected once per day – it means they are doing their due diligence of putting themselves out there. Just like the saying “do something each day that scares you,” maybe we should all risk rejection in some way at least once per day.

Stings So Sweet: The Bite and the Aftermath

In the first few moments (or more), rejection stings. It sucks. My stomach drops. I feel overcome by disappointment. Sometimes I feel embarrassed, or I question my abilities and my worth. I wonder if I was crazy to think whatever I was going for had a chance of success. I wonder if I should have even tried in the first place. A mini-dream is deflated.

But then things turn around. I start to chalk it up to eliminating one more bad fit. I might even smile a little bit. I am one step closer to finding the right path, the one I am meant to be on. I get another “I tried” badge, and I have more stories to tell. Maybe the rejecting party knows something I don’t about why it wouldn’t have worked out. Or maybe they screwed up and couldn’t recognize a good thing when they had the chance. “How could this happen?” turns into “YOU want to reject ME?” which leads to “I’ll show you…” — and it gives me even more motivation to succeed.

The Bottom Line:

How boring would life be if we got everything we wanted all of the time? Look how well that worked out for Veruca Salt.

So lift a glass (or a cupcake) and let’s celebrate. To any rejections you’ve racked up – past or present – CHEERS!

***

P.S. Congrats to Hayley who won the Suze Orman Road to Wealth book giveaway!

No related posts.

I know you are all probably out barbecuing, soaking up the sun and generally unwinding – or so I hope – but it’s book giveaway time again! I am giving away a copy of Suze Orman’s The Road to Wealth (this one is the size of a door stop – it covers everything money-related you could ever want to know).

Watch the video below for instructions on how to enter (hint: it’s related to my money manifesto). The deadline is Friday, July 9, at which point I will pick a winner via Random.org.

I am headed to Brazil to deliver coach training for a group of managers next week…wish me luck!

Happy Fourth of July weekend, everyone!

***

P.S. If you’re in the mood to watch another short video, check out my thoughts on digital literacy – a submission for George Haines‘ video project. George is an elementary school teacher in New York working on an awesome video compilation about technology for his students:

Related posts:

1. SUZE ORMAN KNOWS WE EXIST!!! OMG. OMFG. I am going to try to stop hyperventilating...
2. Visual Miscellaneum Book Giveaway Results Last week I announced that I’m giving away two copies...
3. Celebrating The Book of Awesome (& Giveaway!) Neil Pasricha describes himself as a “boring guy with a...

This post is a submission for the 20SB Blog Carnival on Friends & Money.

The blog carnival is sponsored by Charles Schwab, which happens to be my long-time bank. I’ve been “talking to Chuck” since I first started fumbling through my finances as an independent adult; Schwab has helped me save and invest and cash-out for big purchases, always with great customer service.

20SB is an awesome community of 20-something bloggers with a membership of 12,000+ strong – I highly recommend checking it out. If you are already a member let’s be friends! Check-out the new 20SB Cafe Press Store too…I just bought myself a nice little tank top for summer.

Freedom: My Money Manifesto

I’ve talked before about how we all have different motivations when it comes to money; that money is merely a means to an end. My end is freedom (by way of independence) – and it is based on two core principles:

• I made a promise to myself a long time ago – before I ever started collecting paychecks – to never stay in a job or a relationship because I can’t afford to leave.
• When I was in college my mom told me that even if I get married someday, I should always know how to support myself. I should always know where my money is going, how to bring home a steady paycheck, and how to pay the bills if anything ever happened (like death or divorce).

These two ideas drive almost every financial decision I have ever made. Since the day I started earning money consistently in college, I have always had a second source of income on the side. Whether it was getting paid to take lecture notes, babysitting, doing web development tutoring, coaching or most recently the book – I have always had my main paycheck and my “hustle” check.

Both fund my independence. Independence from credit card debt and from the fear or not being able to pay my bills on time. It is important to me that I’m not waiting for or depending on another person to fund my financial goals. Of course I look forward to dreaming with the person I eventually marry and to making big things happen as a team, but I won’t go into a marriage expecting him to save me or to pay for things that I couldn’t pay for myself.

So I bought myself a condo, a diamond ring and a new car (paid in full). I max out my 401(k). I am still paying off my student loan, but I don’t have credit card debt. I scored 95/100 on Charles Schwab’s Financial Fitness Check-Up Tool. According to the quiz, the only thing I’m missing is a will (I’ll get on that soon, Suze, I promise!). I realize that some people might feel suffocated or tied down by these purchases – the exact opposite of freedom – but for me, they create a sense of comfort. I’m not sharing my financial report card to make you feel bad – and I really hope I haven’t. I’m sharing because it’s important to me that I put my money where my mouth is.

My mouth is on freedom and independence – on always being able to support myself. I bought those things because they helped me feel free. And if there is anything I want to tell or show my friends about money, it is that you can get a handle on it too.

It is important to note that we are all in different places – some have high paying jobs, some do not. Some don’t have jobs at all. Some have families who can help out, some do not. I am incredibly fortunate to have had a steady paycheck for the last six years, and a family that is willing to help me out a little bit when I stretch to make big purchases.

Friends and Money

This post is supposed to be about friends and money. I try to stay out of my friends’ business when it comes to money, but I find that a lot of them come to me for help, advice, or even just a little inspiration.

In the last two years, two of my friends got divorced. One was married for 15 years, and met her husband when she was 20 years old. The other was married for 10, and has a young daughter to support. When they couldn’t see the other side of their financial picture, I helped reassure them that it would be okay. That they could get their finances figured out. That they could learn how to pay bills and rent on their own, even though for many years they had shared those responsibilities with another person.

I wanted to show my friends that they could stand on their own two financial feet even as they walked through heartache. I was living proof that you can be a single woman, manage your money, and still find ways to be fabulous. They looked to me and I told them it would all work out. That I would be right here. And that they could do it. And they did.

It’s Never Too Late

It doesn’t matter whether you are 25 or 45 years old, it is never too late to start getting a handle on your money. If you are looking for a place to start, I suggest the following three things:

1. Admit your fears and flaws – what are you afraid of? What are your biggest financial weaknesses? What do you avoid when it comes to managing your money? Check out my previous post: The Emotional Side of Money.
2. Raise your Awareness — what is your current state of affairs? How much money do you have in the bank? How much debt? What is your monthly income and outflow? Check out my Four-Step Budget for help getting this figured out.
3. Start somewhere – At the very least, sign-up for Mint.com so that you know where your money is going. Next step? Set-up a short-term savings account (I use ING Direct), and start having $50 automatically deposited every month for an Emergency Fund. To see how I distribute my money, check out A Day in the Life of My Paycheck.

My Hope for All of Us

What I want most for myself, for my friends, and for all of you is to see money as a source of freedom, not imprisonment. Of empowerment, not guilt or shame. Of conscious choices, not feelings of frustration or ignorance. No matter where you are starting from today, I know that you can do it.

Forget for a minute about how much money you have in the bank. I wish I could look you square in the eyes, but for now just hear me when I say: you are worth a million dollars, no matter what your bank statement says. You are smart, creative and resourceful. There is nothing you can’t figure out. Even this. Especially this.

***

For more Schwab resources: check-out their new site aimed at young adults. They have also recently launched Money Mondays, a series of weekly money tips, and a Twitter account @schwabmoneywise. To submit a post for the 20SB Blog Carnival, post drop a link to your post here by midnight on June 30th, and tweet with the hashtag #$friends.

Related posts:

1. Are You Clogging Your Financial Arteries? The following is a guest post that I was excited...

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Partly because of the book deal, but partly because I got propped up by a small army of support these last two weeks by having all of you celebrate with me. Every tweet, text, email, call, facebook note, hug and high-five just filled me to the brim with gratitude. This book finally feels real — thanks to you.

Enter the Success Demons…Right on Cue

Just like clockwork when I feel that warm-fuzzy happiness wash over me, I immediately start hearing my success demons knocking at the door. These are different than my inner critic. My inner critic is good at hitting me when I’m down: “Of course you’re lonely, you aren’t lovable.” BAH! I get angry just typing that! Because I know it’s not true. But it happens.

My success demons, on the other hand, are new – and I’m only just discovering how pernicious they can be. The success demons come out the minute I start feeling relaxed and joyful. They say things like:

• You don’t deserve to be happy
• You have it too good – the other shoe is going to drop any minute.
• Be careful, when things are THIS good, someone you love could get sick or die or you could lose your house or job
• You just got lucky. What are you celebrating for?

Life is a roller coaster – OF COURSE bad things could happen at any minute. But it is such a shame to let these angry, ugly demons rain on the fun parade without reason. I never used to understand the quotes that talked about people being more afraid of success than failure. But now I do. Because with success comes the fear that it could all disappear at any minute. And the fear that somehow it’s too early – or too much – to be celebrating.

Mind Like Water

When the success demons come roaring, particularly the one about bad things about to happen, I remind myself of a popular zen saying “mind like water,” which means the following: when you throw a stone into a lake, the lake ripples in proportion to the size of the stone. It doesn’t start rippling BEFORE the stone hits (nervous anticipation), and it doesn’t ripple for long AFTER the stone hits. It just reacts, then returns to it’s normal calm state. Stress comes from regrets about the past or worrying about the future – so if I can just come back to what is in front of me TODAY, it usually helps.

Two books that have been tremendously helpful for me in this area: The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks (which talks about the upper limits we place on ourselves) and Taming Your Gremlins (a book with a lighthearted, exercise-based approach to dealing with your inner critic) by Rick Carson.

Success demons be gone! I have one more celebration to share

Here’s another example of a success demon: I signed my book contract on Wednesday after months of nervous anticipation, and it was one of the happiest, proudest moments of my life. Seeing the words “Author: Jenny Blake” on a legal document brought tears to my eyes. I’ve dreamed about this since I was a little girl reading in the Green Apple Bookstore every day after school, dog-earing pages because I knew I’d be back the next day.

But when it came time to share this monumental moment on my blog I thought, “People are so sick of hearing about your success! Give it a rest already.” Ouch! So I debated whether to say anything…to post the video or the pictures my friend Julie took to commemorate the event. Then I realized those are just more success demons rearing their ugly heads. Because even if someone out there is sick of me, someone might be happy! And as Marianne Williamson says, “your playing small does not serve the world.” So here I go…

Video #1 – Signing my book contract! (42 seconds long)

Video #2 – An outtake, just for fun

The “million dollar signature” – up close and personal

Thank you. For just being here. For letting me celebrate, and for celebrating with me.

No related posts.