Low Stakes First Dates (by Benjy Feen)
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Picture this: you take a thousand dollars out of the bank and go to Las Vegas. You put on your finest clothes and hit the nearest casino.  You buy a $1000 chip and stride over to the roulette wheel, looking fabulous and confident.  You put the thousand dollar chip on your lucky number,  and the wheel spins…and you spend the rest of the weekend alone in your hotel room, wondering why bad things have to happen to you.

That’s how lots of first dates feel: with everything riding on the outcome of this one big chance, romance and excitement quickly give way to confusion and dejection.  Sound familiar?

Don’t bet everything on the first date: lower the stakes.

Low-stakes First Dates: The Basics

I was introduced to the idea of low-stakes first dates by — who else? — a woman with whom I was about to go on a first date.  I’d started meeting women through dating websites, often exchanging boastful, flirty email for weeks before one of us finally felt confident enough to ask the other out.  What happened then was usually a rushed and awkward first date, and you could almost see our expectations hanging in the air like cartoon thought balloons.  One day I sent off a particularly over-the-top flirtation, and got this response: “Hey, cool your jets.  No need to build things up before we meet.  We might not even like each other. Want to go get a beer tonight at 7?”  I learned a lot about low-stakes dating on our first (and only) date.

Have the first date as soon as you know you want to have one.

Don’t spend six months trading witty e-mail banter. Once it’s clear that this is someone you want to know better, make a date.

Flattery feels good, but it raises the stakes.

As much fun as it is to flirt, it does make it harder to keep it low-key.

Good first dates

A good first date is a shared experience of something that leaves room for casual conversation and offers opportunities to tell stories and articulate thoughts, but doesn’t last too long.  How about lunch?The date needs to have a definite end: some natural and obvious point at which you two will go your separate ways. If you have dinner together,  linger over dessert instead of going onward to a bar.  Arrange to meet at the restaurant, rather than being picked up — and therefore dropped off — at home.

Bad first dates

Going to a party where your date won’t know anyone. You’ll either snub your friends, snub your date, or spend your time managing your date’s experience. Or maybe all of your friends will absolutely love or totally hate your date… which raises the stakes.

Situations that prevent you from speaking or looking at each other. Movies and theater don’t make good first dates, since sitting wordlessly in the dark for two hours is a lousy way to get to know someone.

Situations that can’t gracefully be adjusted or ended once they start. A four-hour sunset cruise is a great date… until you get seasick, or your date casually makes a racist remark.

Stuff you’ve never done that they absolutely love (or vice versa). This is a tricky one, for a few reasons. There’s a good chance of awkwardness if one of you is a fish out of water.  Even if you have fun, you’ll be dealing with the novelty of the experience instead of, you know, being on a date.  Save the fun-but-risky dates for later.

The next day:  Communicate Clearly

You don’t have to sit around waiting for the other person to call you, but do sleep on it before making that call yourself.   Talk to a friend to find out how you really feel about the date.

How DO you feel about the date? What did you like? What wasn’t so great? What would you want more of, and what would you want to avoid in the future? Noticing how you feel about these things will deepen your understanding of what you (a) really want, (b) gotta have, and (c) won’t tolerate. That kind of self-knowledge is a key to romantic happiness.

As you reflect on these things, you may be tempted to downplay the downsides by focusing on your date’s redeeming qualities, but that’s not how it works: some flaws are deal-breakers, no matter what. The reverse is also true: a good date needs to have qualities you really like! An absence of huge defects should not be your standard of excellence.

If you’re into it, say so.  Say it simply and leave room for — ASK for! — your date’s opinion on the matter.   Remember, the stakes are low.  If your date isn’t interested in you, this is a great time to find out: leave room for that possibility while being clear about your own interest.

In the unlikely event that your date isn’t interested in seeing you again:  hey, no big deal.  Congratulate yourself for having kept it low-key. When you’re ready, make a date with one of the other several billion people out there.

If you’re not into it, say so kindly and unambiguously.   Don’t specify a particular reason for not being into it.  As a near-stranger, your opinions will bear a lot of weight, so be charitable to your fellow human and just say that you didn’t feel that certain romantic spark that you’re looking for.  Good luck and best wishes,  sincerely, period.    Vague mild disappointment sure beats specific intense disappointment.  This is your last chance to disappoint gracefully — while the stakes are still low.

If you’re both interested, make a second date!

Click here to continue reading the remainder of the post (Benji’s advice on second dates).

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.” -Henry Ford   

We all know the old adage, “You learn something new every day.” Well, that’s not enough. Let me rephrase that - it’s not enough to get ahead. If you learn something new every day, it means you’re keeping up with everyone else. Especially because for many people, learning happens passively. Someone mentions a random tidbit of trivia in conversation. You hear an unfamiliar word and Google it. That’s playing defense - you’ll never get ahead if you don’t take a more aggressive approach and actually set a longer-term game-plan for your personal learning.

Looking for job security? Learn new skills. Become an expert in an area related to your field. Create a plan for developing universal skills that will serve you well in any company: leadership, creative thinking, project management. The most successful people (in life and work) are those who proactively pursue learning every chance they get, through books, blogs, podcasts, journal articles, magazines, etc. Companies must constantly evolve and innovate to stay ahead and continue making a profit. The world and its technologies get increasingly more complex every day. If you are not learning, you are obsolete.

Six Questions to Help You Set a Personal Learning Strategy

• Plan ahead and think strategically about your team and career: what job-related skills will you need six months from now?
• What one area, if you made measurable improvement over next three months, would have the biggest impact on your success in your role?
• They say “dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” What’s the job you really want? What skills or knowledge do you need to get there?
• Look at other people in positions at or above your level who are successful - what skills, knowledge and behaviors do they have that you don’t? What will it take to narrow that gap?
• Learning doesn’t have to be job-related: what really excites you? Art? History? Creative Writing? Politics? Dedicate time every week to stretching your brain, just like you would any other muscle.
• What did you learn this week? Schedule time to reflect about what you’ve learned on a regular basis. (I find this much more effective if you write it down and commit to a certain amount of time for reflection, like 15 or 30 minutes)

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” -Mahatma Ghandi

So what’s the problem? It’s not a problem, per se, but I can’t possibly afford the amount of coaching that I want to have in my life right now. The solution? Peer Coaching/Support Networks. I’ve piloted a few of these in the last several months and I am absolutely loving it.

One that’s really working right now is a health/nutrition program two friends and I set-up. It’s a month-long program focused on health and fitness goals. We created a shared “journal” on Google Docs, and a tracking spreadsheet to track the following things every day: how we feel (mind and body), five target actions (ex: running 2x/week), five restricted actions (ex: dessert no more than once a week) and a daily mantra. This is adapted from a program my friend Liz shared with me called Get Clients Now if you want more details on what we’ve modeled ours after.

How it Works: We have weekly Sunday calls to review our tracking spreadsheet and talk about how the week went - wins, problem areas, and what we’ll focus on the next week. If we have extra time, we discuss broader challenges or questions (what to do about Thanksgiving, for example; or how to get back on track if we screw up). It’s so amazing to have this support network - and I really have to credit it for getting my butt to the gym this morning (and last week)! It gave me exactly the extra push I needed since I knew I’d have to report back to my friends at the end of the week.

Benefits of Peer Support Networks

1. They’re free!
2. They provide great structure and support for pursuing your goals
3. You can get to know people through networks made of friends-of-friends
4. Support networks will hold you accountable and (hopefully) not let you give up when you fail
5. It’s a great way to benefit from rich, topic-based discussions and share tips and best practices with each other

How to Create Your Own Support Network

1. Choose a topic (not mandatory, but helpful) or central theme that you’re looking to get support around (health/fitness, leadership, relationships, etc.)
2. Enroll some friends! Give them an overview of what you’re hoping to do, then collectively decide on goals and format for the program (everyone should have a stake in how it works)
3. Set-up some structures:
   1. Set a start and end date
   2. Schedule Weekly or Bi-Weekly Calls
   3. Create shared documents to review together each week
4. Have each individual identify goals, what they’re hoping to get out of the program/support network
5. Hold an intro call to discuss those goals and decide on format
6. Start the program! Adjust documents, schedule as necessary
7. Hold a post-mortem when it ends - what worked? What didn’t? What would you do differently next time?
8. Start over! If it works, why end a good thing?

Noomii.com - I stumbled across a website, Noomii.com, that seems to support this very type of program. I haven’t done much research or tried it yet, but you might be interested in giving it a shot. The site paraphrased it’s mission as a “buddy system for life.” The following is text from their How It Works page:

“Noomii helps you and a friend achieve your big goals in life. With our unique pair coaching system, you become a life coach for your friend, and your friend life coaches you in return. It’s simple, fast, and fun. And the best part is that anyone can pair coach – with no prior training or experience. It’s easy - and we show you how!”

The best thing about support networks is that they can be whatever you want - get creative and experiment! You’d be surprised at how much you and a few friends can accomplish.

There are several themes I want to highlight this month: with the economy in a nose-dive, it becomes critical that each individual really look inside him or herself to grow, stay relevant, make smart decisions and plan for the future without worrying too much about it. Uncertainty often breeds fear, and fear can be paralyzing. Don’t let that happen to you! Consider what is in your power to change, and try not to worry too much about the rest. On that note, here’s is this month’s “Couldn’t Have Said it Better Myself” list:

• This is Your Life (Effortless Abundance)
• Why Great People Never Stop Learning (Pick the Brain)
  
• Five Simple Ways to Relax at Work When Stress Strikes (Dumb Little Man)
• Ten Unconventional Money Saving Tips (PassionSaving.com)
• The Market Meltdown: Essential Reading (Get Rich Slowly)
• True Happiness and Peace of Mind (Mark McLure)
• 21 Habits of Happy People (Pick the Brain)
• 70+ Tools for Job Hunting 2.0 (Mashable)

This quote is somewhat random, but I really like it and thought I would share as part of the October round-up:

“Creativity is about freedom. In order for people to be free to create, they need to feel free to fail. You can’t fear failure. If you want to create a world that values creation above everything else, first and foremost you have to take fear out of the equation. You have to create a culture that can accept failure, live with failure, not be fearful of failure.” –Donny Deutsche, TV host for “The Big Idea”

I spent 6 hours and 20 minutes today pounding pavement, mostly having fun but also in pain and ready to be done for pretty much ALL of the last TEN miles. To distract from the intermittent pain, I spent time talking to myself and thinking about what this experience has meant to me. I started brainstorming for the blog post I would write and the “10 tips” or lessons I learned (yes, I’m a nerd and my friends made fun of me for it). But then I remembered about the letter I wrote to myself in July, four months ago when I started training, to be read on the day I finished. It’s another one of my “sticky goal” techniques that I forgot to mention. In a way it feels really private, but it’s also the most meaningful description of how I feel now, post-race. Plus - I’m too exhausted to actually use any new brain cells right now :).

I’ll share the letter I wrote to myself if you promise not to crack TOO many jokes about me being schizophrenic:

July 6, 2008
Dear Jenny,

If you are reading this it means you finished a marathon. It means you have crossed into an entirely new realm of possibilities and potential. CONGRATULATIONS!! You must be tired and worn out - and glowing with accomplishment. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling; what I can tell you is what this will mean to me if you finish:

1) That you can do anything - even things that seem scary, impossible and torturous
2) That you pushed beyond all of that, physically and mentally, and through that gained incredible strength, perseverance and toughness.
3) That you are my hero!

From where I sit now (in a coffee shop) I get tears in my eyes when I think about crossing the finish line. I will be so blissfully happy and proud. My longest run was 11 miles this past weekend. I’m nervous about the rest - about the next four months - about keeping my committment. And then I think about the finish line again and I think about crossing over a line that symbolizes a quieting of any remaining self-doubt. I will have crossed the line to greet and embrace a new me - one that can do anything.

Congratulations again on an absolutely enormous accomplishment - now go celebrate and reward yourself!

So I celebrated with a big cheeseburger and fries with some of my closest friends and family. Before I sign-off and zone-out into couch potato land, I also want to say thank you SO much to Julie, Tara, Mark, my Mom and my Dad for cheering me on throughout the race and at the finish line. Your support means the absolute world to me!

About a year after setting my goal and manifesting my vision by cutting out pictures from magazines, I realized I hadn’t actually taken any practical steps to make it a reality. So I set-up a separate savings account and had money direct deposited once a month to start building this fund. No matter what, I refused to cash out to pay for other things (the condo, my credit card debt).

Once a goal has had five years to simmer and solidify, it means something. And writing something so specific made me steadfast in my resolve to stick to it and reward myself, no matter how frivolous it seemed at times! Actually, the fact that I’ve saved a little bit at a time over such a long period makes it seem less frivolous because I’ve earned that money and am not paying for it with borrowed debt. It taught me the value of automatic saving, and seeing that I won’t be spending my retirement savings anytime soon, it gave me something to look forward to.

Steps to Create Your Own Long-Term Reward Goal:

1. Identify something meaningful to you; something that’s rewarding, exciting and outside of your comfort zone of what you might normally do or buy.
2. Write a goal for 2-5 years out with the dollar amount attached (Ex: On January 1, 2011 I will purchase an airline ticket to Africa for a two-week safari, at a total cost of $X,000)
3. Divide your target dollar amount by the number of months from now until your goal’s target date.
4. Start a separate high-yield savings account for your goal (I really like ING Direct which allows you to create multiple linked accounts with individual names).
5. Set-up a recurring, automatic deposit of $X/month (based on your earlier calculation) from your regular checking account; I suggest a few days after the first of the month. This allows your new savings account to take on a life of its own and grow without you having to pay attention to it every month. Plus, you’ll get the benefit of compound interest.

So what’s the point of all this? First, saving for a reward goal will reinforce the structure and benefits of goal saving and sound financial planning while also giving you something fun to look forward to. Second, it feels so much more gratifying to earn an expensive gift or trip through regular, consistent saving rather than buying it on credit. Finally, it’s much more exciting than saving for retirement and certainly has a faster turnaround time! Just make sure your first priorities are still retirement and your emergency savings account; saving for a reward goal without these defeats the whole purpose of smart, responsible saving!And with that, I’m going to go enjoy my birthday

For starters, in the morning as I went to grab my bike and leave for work, a small brown spider scuffled across the inside of my helmet. Panicked, I dropped the helmet and to my terror LOST THE SPIDER. If I don’t find this damn thing, the next time our paths cross he’ll be crawling on my face. After five minutes of searching desperately to no avail, I gave up, hoping the spider had spontaneously vanished into thin air. Skip ahead ten minutes. I’m merrily riding on the bike path (now on month three of the No Car Challenge - can you believe it?) and who do I see?! The spider! Crawling on my handlebars! I grabbed a branch and whisked him off into a nearby tree. I think it’s the first time I have actually saved a spider.

Now fast-forward to the ride home. First a bug flies into my mouth. Then one goes up my nose. THEN I ride straight into a swarm of gnats. All the meanwhile I’m squinting, spitting and ducking just to get home without filling up on bugs for dinner.

All these bugs got me thinking. (You knew I’d get to the point sometime, right?) Last week I had a rough week at work. I felt like emails and tasks kept flying at me and I could barely swat them away before getting bombarded by the next swarm.

Not to be confused with eating frogs, sometimes you have to ride through bugs with your head down to actually get home. You can’t always get from A to Z without a few annoyances here and there - the ride isn’t ALWAYS sunny and enjoyable. The bugs (and seemingly random tasks) keep things interesting - and keep us on our feet. We should learn to tolerate and maybe even enjoy them! I got a pretty good laugh out of the bugs yesterday, even though at the time it didn’t seem very funny. Sometimes we forget to keep our sense of humor amidst the craziness of work. And rather than being paralyzed by fear, sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. Close your eyes, put your head down, pedal a little faster, and make it through the week.

What if I told you that you already have all of the skills, resources and talent you need to pursue what you really want?
What if you already knew all the right people?
What if your current job was the perfect one to equip you with the lessons you need for your future goals and dreams?
What if your next opportunity was already available to you?

Let’s try it this way:
Stop for a minute. Tell your inner critic to go take a walk.

You already have all of the skills, resources and talent you need.

So what’s next?

The survey contains 240 questions “designed to reveal individual character strengths” and takes about 30 minutes to complete. Once you finish, it spits out a report with a ranking and description of your top five “signature” strengths. You can also expand the report to show all 24 characteristics, ranked in descending order of how much of each strength you possess. The idea is that your top five strengths are the ones to pay attention to and find ways to use more often.

If it’s of any interest to you (perhaps some of these have come out in my blog posts), according to this report my strengths are:

1. Hope, optimism and future-mindedness
2. Creativity, ingenuity and originality
3. Perspective (wisdom)
4. Judgment, critical thinking and open-mindedness
5. Love of learning

Click here to take the VIA Signature Strengths survey and uncover your own strengths - you might be surprised by the results!

As Patrick, author of Power of Morality, puts it: “Remember that 936 is just the statistical norm. It’s not a number that you are guaranteed, owed or otherwise entitled to.”