I love chocolate-covered pretzels for their salty-sweet deliciousness. Rejection has similar contrasting qualities for me. At first it feels like salt in an open wound, then it almost always turns into something sweet later down the line. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t love getting rejected, but I don’t hate it either. In fact, part of me kind of likes it.
If I get rejected, I know I tried. I put myself out there. I know I can stand tall and later say, “their loss!” (you know…the classic heartbreak recovery line).
“All great innovations are built on rejections.”
−Louis Ferdinand Celine
A Few of My Favorite (hah – I only say that now) Rejections
The examples below are three of my most memorable rejections. Badges of honor. In one sense I am still baffled by them, but in another I know that they helped me get to know myself better and make other plans, proud that at least I put myself out there. (My friend Srinivas Rao wrote a post recently called “8 Failures that Have Led Me to Where I’m at Today” – a great read along similar lines)
- Colleges – My senior year of high school, after I won the California Journalist of the Year award (and made it as a national finalist), I got rejected from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism. I also got rejected from every East Coast school I applied to. So much for my dream of being a journalist and/or moving across the country. I absolutely loved UCLA (it led to the start-up that led to this blog), but a part of me still feels incomplete never having lived outside of California.
- My last serious boyfriend - after chasing and flirting with him for, oh, FIVE MONTHS, I finally got up the nerve to ask him out back in 2006. Twice. The first time his back gave out (sign from the universe that I shouldn’t date someone 14 years older?) and the second time he just made up an excuse and said no. To this day, it still baffles me that two weeks later we ended up at a baseball game together with a mutual friend…then dated for a year and a half after that.
- My book – it got turned down by 27 different publishers before I got an offer. They all had their reasons, but the most popular were: my topic was too generic and had no “hook,” my platform wasn’t big enough, my audience doesn’t buy books, it won’t sell past graduation season, and the “after college” market is too competitive. Each rejection stung a little bit, and the compound effect of hearing about rejection after rejection was discouraging, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I kept the faith because I knew that it would just take one offer. And I couldn’t be happier with the one that I got.
My dad has a dating theory that men should get rejected once per day – it means they are doing their due diligence of putting themselves out there. Just like the saying “do something each day that scares you,” maybe we should all risk rejection in some way at least once per day.
Stings So Sweet: The Bite and the Aftermath
In the first few moments (or more), rejection stings. It sucks. My stomach drops. I feel overcome by disappointment. Sometimes I feel embarrassed, or I question my abilities and my worth. I wonder if I was crazy to think whatever I was going for had a chance of success. I wonder if I should have even tried in the first place. A mini-dream is deflated.
But then things turn around. I start to chalk it up to eliminating one more bad fit. I might even smile a little bit. I am one step closer to finding the right path, the one I am meant to be on. I get another “I tried” badge, and I have more stories to tell. Maybe the rejecting party knows something I don’t about why it wouldn’t have worked out. Or maybe they screwed up and couldn’t recognize a good thing when they had the chance. “How could this happen?” turns into “YOU want to reject ME?” which leads to “I’ll show you…” — and it gives me even more motivation to succeed.
The Bottom Line:
How boring would life be if we got everything we wanted all of the time? Look how well that worked out for Veruca Salt.
So lift a glass (or a cupcake) and let’s celebrate. To any rejections you’ve racked up – past or present – CHEERS!
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P.S. Congrats to Hayley who won the Suze Orman Road to Wealth book giveaway!
I know you are all probably out barbecuing, soaking up the sun and generally unwinding – or so I hope – but it’s book giveaway time again! I am giving away a copy of Suze Orman’s The Road to Wealth (this one is the size of a door stop – it covers everything money-related you could ever want to know).
Watch the video below for instructions on how to enter (hint: it’s related to my money manifesto). The deadline is Friday, July 9, at which point I will pick a winner via Random.org.
I am headed to Brazil to deliver coach training for a group of managers next week…wish me luck!
Happy Fourth of July weekend, everyone!
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P.S. If you’re in the mood to watch another short video, check out my thoughts on digital literacy – a submission for George Haines‘ video project. George is an elementary school teacher in New York working on an awesome video compilation about technology for his students:
This post is a submission for the 20SB Blog Carnival on Friends & Money.
The blog carnival is sponsored by Charles Schwab, which happens to be my long-time bank. I’ve been “talking to Chuck” since I first started fumbling through my finances as an independent adult; Schwab has helped me save and invest and cash-out for big purchases, always with great customer service.
20SB is an awesome community of 20-something bloggers with a membership of 12,000+ strong – I highly recommend checking it out. If you are already a member let’s be friends! Check-out the new 20SB Cafe Press Store too…I just bought myself a nice little tank top for summer.
Freedom: My Money Manifesto
I’ve talked before about how we all have different motivations when it comes to money; that money is merely a means to an end. My end is freedom (by way of independence) – and it is based on two core principles:
- I made a promise to myself a long time ago – before I ever started collecting paychecks – to never stay in a job or a relationship because I can’t afford to leave.
- When I was in college my mom told me that even if I get married someday, I should always know how to support myself. I should always know where my money is going, how to bring home a steady paycheck, and how to pay the bills if anything ever happened (like death or divorce).
These two ideas drive almost every financial decision I have ever made. Since the day I started earning money consistently in college, I have always had a second source of income on the side. Whether it was getting paid to take lecture notes, babysitting, doing web development tutoring, coaching or most recently the book – I have always had my main paycheck and my “hustle” check.
Both fund my independence. Independence from credit card debt and from the fear or not being able to pay my bills on time. It is important to me that I’m not waiting for or depending on another person to fund my financial goals. Of course I look forward to dreaming with the person I eventually marry and to making big things happen as a team, but I won’t go into a marriage expecting him to save me or to pay for things that I couldn’t pay for myself.
So I bought myself a condo, a diamond ring and a new car (paid in full). I max out my 401(k). I am still paying off my student loan, but I don’t have credit card debt. I scored 95/100 on Charles Schwab’s Financial Fitness Check-Up Tool. According to the quiz, the only thing I’m missing is a will (I’ll get on that soon, Suze, I promise!). I realize that some people might feel suffocated or tied down by these purchases – the exact opposite of freedom – but for me, they create a sense of comfort. I’m not sharing my financial report card to make you feel bad – and I really hope I haven’t. I’m sharing because it’s important to me that I put my money where my mouth is.
My mouth is on freedom and independence – on always being able to support myself. I bought those things because they helped me feel free. And if there is anything I want to tell or show my friends about money, it is that you can get a handle on it too.
It is important to note that we are all in different places – some have high paying jobs, some do not. Some don’t have jobs at all. Some have families who can help out, some do not. I am incredibly fortunate to have had a steady paycheck for the last six years, and a family that is willing to help me out a little bit when I stretch to make big purchases.
Friends and Money
This post is supposed to be about friends and money. I try to stay out of my friends’ business when it comes to money, but I find that a lot of them come to me for help, advice, or even just a little inspiration.
In the last two years, two of my friends got divorced. One was married for 15 years, and met her husband when she was 20 years old. The other was married for 10, and has a young daughter to support. When they couldn’t see the other side of their financial picture, I helped reassure them that it would be okay. That they could get their finances figured out. That they could learn how to pay bills and rent on their own, even though for many years they had shared those responsibilities with another person.
I wanted to show my friends that they could stand on their own two financial feet even as they walked through heartache. I was living proof that you can be a single woman, manage your money, and still find ways to be fabulous. They looked to me and I told them it would all work out. That I would be right here. And that they could do it. And they did.
It’s Never Too Late
It doesn’t matter whether you are 25 or 45 years old, it is never too late to start getting a handle on your money. If you are looking for a place to start, I suggest the following three things:
- Admit your fears and flaws – what are you afraid of? What are your biggest financial weaknesses? What do you avoid when it comes to managing your money? Check out my previous post: The Emotional Side of Money.
- Raise your Awareness — what is your current state of affairs? How much money do you have in the bank? How much debt? What is your monthly income and outflow? Check out my Four-Step Budget for help getting this figured out.
- Start somewhere – At the very least, sign-up for Mint.com so that you know where your money is going. Next step? Set-up a short-term savings account (I use ING Direct), and start having $50 automatically deposited every month for an Emergency Fund. To see how I distribute my money, check out A Day in the Life of My Paycheck.
My Hope for All of Us
What I want most for myself, for my friends, and for all of you is to see money as a source of freedom, not imprisonment. Of empowerment, not guilt or shame. Of conscious choices, not feelings of frustration or ignorance. No matter where you are starting from today, I know that you can do it.
Forget for a minute about how much money you have in the bank. I wish I could look you square in the eyes, but for now just hear me when I say: you are worth a million dollars, no matter what your bank statement says. You are smart, creative and resourceful. There is nothing you can’t figure out. Even this. Especially this.
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For more Schwab resources: check-out their new site aimed at young adults. They have also recently launched Money Mondays, a series of weekly money tips, and a Twitter account @schwabmoneywise. To submit a post for the 20SB Blog Carnival, post drop a link to your post here by midnight on June 30th, and tweet with the hashtag #$friends.
I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Partly because of the book deal, but partly because I got propped up by a small army of support these last two weeks by having all of you celebrate with me. Every tweet, text, email, call, facebook note, hug and high-five just filled me to the brim with gratitude. This book finally feels real — thanks to you.
Enter the Success Demons…Right on Cue
Just like clockwork when I feel that warm-fuzzy happiness wash over me, I immediately start hearing my success demons knocking at the door. These are different than my inner critic. My inner critic is good at hitting me when I’m down: “Of course you’re lonely, you aren’t lovable.” BAH! I get angry just typing that! Because I know it’s not true. But it happens.
My success demons, on the other hand, are new – and I’m only just discovering how pernicious they can be. The success demons come out the minute I start feeling relaxed and joyful. They say things like:
- You don’t deserve to be happy
- You have it too good – the other shoe is going to drop any minute.
- Be careful, when things are THIS good, someone you love could get sick or die or you could lose your house or job
- You just got lucky. What are you celebrating for?
Life is a roller coaster – OF COURSE bad things could happen at any minute. But it is such a shame to let these angry, ugly demons rain on the fun parade without reason. I never used to understand the quotes that talked about people being more afraid of success than failure. But now I do. Because with success comes the fear that it could all disappear at any minute. And the fear that somehow it’s too early – or too much – to be celebrating.
Mind Like Water
When the success demons come roaring, particularly the one about bad things about to happen, I remind myself of a popular zen saying “mind like water,” which means the following: when you throw a stone into a lake, the lake ripples in proportion to the size of the stone. It doesn’t start rippling BEFORE the stone hits (nervous anticipation), and it doesn’t ripple for long AFTER the stone hits. It just reacts, then returns to it’s normal calm state. Stress comes from regrets about the past or worrying about the future – so if I can just come back to what is in front of me TODAY, it usually helps.
Two books that have been tremendously helpful for me in this area: The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks (which talks about the upper limits we place on ourselves) and Taming Your Gremlins (a book with a lighthearted, exercise-based approach to dealing with your inner critic) by Rick Carson.
Success demons be gone! I have one more celebration to share
Here’s another example of a success demon: I signed my book contract on Wednesday after months of nervous anticipation, and it was one of the happiest, proudest moments of my life. Seeing the words “Author: Jenny Blake” on a legal document brought tears to my eyes. I’ve dreamed about this since I was a little girl reading in the Green Apple Bookstore every day after school, dog-earing pages because I knew I’d be back the next day.
But when it came time to share this monumental moment on my blog I thought, “People are so sick of hearing about your success! Give it a rest already.” Ouch! So I debated whether to say anything…to post the video or the pictures my friend Julie took to commemorate the event. Then I realized those are just more success demons rearing their ugly heads. Because even if someone out there is sick of me, someone might be happy! And as Marianne Williamson says, “your playing small does not serve the world.” So here I go…
Video #1 – Signing my book contract! (42 seconds long)
Video #2 – An outtake, just for fun 
The “million dollar signature” – up close and personal
Thank you. For just being here. For letting me celebrate, and for celebrating with me.
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to those of you who participated in the epic two-hour #u30pro chat last week – we had over 1,300 tweets (transcript here) and 180 participants! I am honored and incredibly grateful for all of the excitement, replies and ideas; the book definitely just got 1,000 times better.
If you missed the chat but still want to submit tips for the book, now’s your chance!
Here’s how to submit a response:
- Read the questions below.
- Send me an @reply on Twitter (I’m @jenny_blake) or tweet with the #LACBook hashtag (both if you have room).
- Make sure you include the question number
- I would really appreciate if you could retweet, share on Google Reader and send this post to your friends – the more tips and opinions, the better
- Submit as many replies as you would like before the deadline: Fri. June 18
- Please also make sure you are following me – if your quote makes it into the book, I’ll need to DM you a release form (help me get a head start by filling it out now)
- Example tweet from the lovely Grace Boyle: gracekboyle Q10: Blessing in disguise was starting my blog. It unexpectedly led to my job, friends, roommate, and new life in Boulder #LACBook
Quick background for any new visitors:
I’m working on a book for college graduates to be published next Spring by Running Press (a division of Perseus). The book is a compilation of tips, quotes, advice, exercises and recommended reading for every area of someone’s life after college.
There are 10 chapters, and each will contain “crowd-sourced” wisdom from Twitter. If you want to follow the book’s progress, sign-up for my monthly(ish) “inside scoop” book newsletter or click here to read the archives.
Twitter Questions for the Life After College book
- Life – Finish this sentence: When I graduated from college I wish I had known…
- Money – What’s your philosophy when it comes to saving and/or spending money? Best tip?
- Work – What is the best career advice anyone ever gave you?
- Home – How can someone make the most of their living space? Any tips for living with roommates?
- Organization – What’s one technique you use to stay organized and/or manage your time effectively?
- Friends & Family – How do you keep in touch and make time for friends and family after college? Strategies for meeting new people?
- Dating & Relationships – What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from past (or present) relationships?
- Health – What diet, exercise or health habits have helped you stay healthy after college?
- Fun & Relaxation – How do you make time for fun & relaxation after college? Any tips for doing both on budget?
- Personal Growth – What has been your biggest blessing-in-disguise life experience since graduating from college?
- Extra Question: What general advice do you have for recent college graduates?
- Extra Question: Finish this sentence: Life after college is…
Thank you so much in advance – I already can’t wait read all of your replies!
***
And thanks again to Lauren, David and Scott for letting me partner with #u30pro to launch this campaign. If you’re interested in joining future chats, they run every Thursday from 8-9EST.
That’s a random picture of me looking really happy (slash weird) in San Francisco. Crazy wind!
I type this post with almost as much excitement as the time Suze Orman said my name. Oh, who am I kidding?! I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MYSELF and I’ve been bursting to tell you this for weeks:
We have a book deal!!!!
Important note: the contract has NOT been signed yet, which is partly why I was waiting so long to update you. It could take a few more weeks, but the process is moving forward. Let’s hope this blog post doesn’t jinx anything!
Running Press – it’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
After the handful of meetings I had when my literary agent sent out the proposal in March, Running Press, a division of Perseus based in Philadelphia, made an offer to publish my book by Spring 2011. SPRING 2011! A book! A real one! In less than a year. A huge thank you is in order to my agent Sarah for helping make this happen.
If you want the FULL nitty gritty details (including helpful writing-related links and resources) sign-up for my monthly(ish) “inside scoop” book newsletter or click here to read the archives.
The manuscript draft is due July 1, which is just three short weeks away. Nothing like a little (okay HUGE) deadline to light a fire under your ass, right?! Thankfully I have most of it written – except for one major piece of every chapter. That’s where you come in.
Want to see your name in print?
My book is a compilation of tips, quotes, advice, exercises and recommended reading for every area of someone’s life after college. The chapters are: Life, Work, Money, Home, Organization, Friends & Family, Dating & Relationships, Health, Fun & Relaxation, and Personal Growth.
Each chapter of the book will contain crowd-sourced wisdom from Twitter, and I’ve partnered with #u30pro to launch the campaign tomorrow – wuhoo! (HUGE thank you to Lauren, David and Scott who run the chat).
Here’s how it will work:
We will be asking questions for the book during the #u30pro chat tomorrow from 7EST-9EST (4PST-6PST), and you should join! After all, who better to advise college grads than all of you brilliant, beautiful people? (Lauren suggests using TweetChat to follow the conversation).
If you know you are going to participate, it would be great if you could fill out this release form. Otherwise I will follow-up with you afterward if your tweet/s get selected.
If you can’t make the chat tomorrow, don’t worry – I’ll post the questions early next week to give everyone else a chance to reply.
Want to do me a huge favor?
Spread the word and rally the troops – and thanks in advance for what I know will be a ton of great additions to the book! I’m a big believer in The Wisdom of the Crowds – this book just won’t be the same without all of your input and ideas.
Cheers!
