“We should bear our sorrows with greater confidence than our joys. For they are the moments when something new, something unknown, has entered into us. The more patient, quiet and open we are in our sorrowing, the more deeply and the more unhesitatingly will the new thing enter us and the better we shall deserve it.”
—Rainer Maria Rilke
As part of my year of love, I promised myself I would be more vulnerable. In life AND on this blog. As much as it scares me, I am committing to letting you in a little more – to show you the sides of me that aren’t always shiny and happy – even though for the most part I like to focus on joy, practical tips and positivity.
But alas – in the name of vulnerability, today I bring you a note on sadness. Sadness over a romantic relationship ending. I’ll leave it at that, because this post is about feelings, not details.
Processing Feelings: The Turtle Method
When I am sad, I tend to hide from the world – including my friends (and twitter followers and blog readers). 
I retreat into my turtle shell and won’t come out until I can be happy and put-together again. I’m not endorsing this method (it gets lonely) – it just happens to be my first line of defense.
Yesterday I retreated into my “I’m fine!” turtle shell, and today I feel like someone reached down from the sky and plucked the whole thing right off. Sadness exposed. Written on my face. Tears welling up at unpredictable moments (for example: as I write this in the middle of a crowded coffee shop).
And yet – I am grateful. I am happy that I’m sad, because it represents the fact that I lived and I loved and I felt alive. I am sad that the wonderful experience is over, but so happy for the connection and the countless moments of bliss.
Weather Report: Cloudy with a (very good!) Chance of Sunshine
The weather in the SF Bay Area today is grey and drizzly, with intermittent sunshine and respite from the rain. That’s exactly how I feel. Quiet and lightly sad (not the full-blown so-depressed-I-can’t-move kind), with many moments of fond memories and gratitude for everything I learned and experienced.
If I ever shunned sadness or pushed it aside, I am not doing that now. I am giving it a free pass to hang out with me today (and for as long as it needs to, really). I took it to breakfast, to coffee, on a long walk and even all the way to my blog (it should feel honored!). I know that only by letting it in – and airing it out – can I really move forward.
I am a Quote Machine (But admit it – that’s partly why you love me)
There are two Rilke quotes I send to friends when they hit rough patches. In addition to the one I shared above, they are:
“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses, who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.”
“You must think that something is happening upon you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.”
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Sadness, vulnerability and love are more beautiful than I ever gave them credit for. Because they are real and raw and part of living a big full life. And so is letting people in.
So even though I’m a little sad today, don’t be too worried about me. This is nothing that eating a dozen Red Velvet Cupcakes in one sitting can’t fix!*
*Kidding. I think.
Well, folks! A small family of pigs somewhere just got their wings and learned to fly. I – Jenny Blake – blogged about the BIG SCARY L-WORD over at Ophelia’s Webb.
I am honored to be a part of Elisa Doucette’s February All You Need is Love series, in which a different blogger will pontificate on this warm fuzzy topic every day for the entire month o’ loooooove. (On that note, will one of you be my valentine? I get lonely this time of year with the Superbowl and Valentine’s Day and all…)
Here’s a sneak peek at the beginning of my post, titled Love Happens – If You Let It:
When Elisa emailed asking me to contribute a guest post for her “All You Need is Love” series, it struck a little (okay a lot of) terror in my heart. “What the HELL do I know about love?” I said out loud to the friend I was with. We both chuckled. I’m 26 and it’s no secret that my dating life often leaves – well – much to be desired in the way of passionate romance. Which is funny, because I’m like a walking feeling machine with an inner romantic so sappy it puts most RomComs to shame.
So I sat with the following questions for a few weeks before I was ready to write: What do I know about love? What do I want to say about love? Can I “add value” to this series without being sure that I’ve ever experienced true passionate, romantic, soul-connected love?
To read the rest, jump on over to Ophelia’s Webb and check it out!
Cheers – to love, light and laughter in 2010 
This is a guest post from Pierre Khawand. Pierre founded People OnTheGo in 2001 to enable business professionals to communicate and collaborate more effectively using leading edge technologies. I met Pierre at one of his fantastic productivity workshops, and was honored to be a featured guest on two of his webinars: Gen Y in the Workplace and Twitter 101.
Is Task-Hopping Holding You Back?
Does this happen to you? You start to work on a task and then casually without even noticing it, you slip into another task and let the first one just fade out and then die. This happens again after a few minutes. And then again!
Half an hour later, you don’t even remember what the original task was. Not only that, but you wonder what you got done in the last half an hour. This is what I call “task hopping.” It seems to happen more often when a task gets a little more challenging or demanding than we wish to handle at the moment or when another more enticing proposition or interruption shows up. The problem is that task hopping – unlike bar-hopping which can be fun and engaging – diminishes our ability to do creative problem solving and strategic thinking, and to get meaningful things accomplished.
In my new book The Accomplishing More With less Workbook, and the free eBook (The Results Curve™: How to Manage Focus and Collaborative Time) I illustrate the above problem using actual graphs and provide some specific steps that you can take to minimize the impact of interruptions including task hopping. One of the tools that I discuss is the use of a countdown timer when working on an important task (and when focus is of primary importance). Setting the countdown timer for 40 minutes (or whatever time period you choose) has significant productivity benefits.
The Benefits of Using a Timer to Prevent Task-Hopping
1. The timer heightens our awareness of time
Just the fact that the timer is running seems to drastically heighten our awareness of time and allow us to quickly notice when we deviate from our task. It’s as simple as that. It is fascinating that such a simple and easy tool can have such an impact on our focus, but it does.
2. The timer creates purpose
The timer helps us put a stake in the ground and declare that we have officially started the task at hand. Without such a clear signal it is easy to stay noncommittal, and for task-hopping to sneak in.
3. The timer creates accountability
Once the timer has started, in 40 minutes you will clearly know if you accomplished what you intended. The timer also helps us better estimate the time it takes to get things done in the future.
4. The timer prompts us to move things forward
Using a timer prompts us to face the issues, make decisions, and move things along as opposed to dwelling on issues and staying indefinitely in analysis/paralysis mode.
5. The timer as a stress relief mechanism
The timer signifies that we have given ourselves permission to be where we are for the time period we have chosen. Now we can more easily give up the guilt or anxiety that we would otherwise experience for not being somewhere else and not handling all the other things that need to be handled.
The Happy Sound of Accomplishment
Once you start your task timer, the happy sound of accomplishment is only 40 minutes away, and when you hear it you are likely to experience a great feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!
***
For more productivity tips from Pierre: follow him on twitter, check out his workbook and download his free eBook.
The world is re-created in every instant of time, and this moment is always your life’s beginning. No matter how many years have been stolen from you by your own ignorance, by cruel fate, or by the acts of others, you have a clean, broad slate before you. In this instant – this one now – you can begin steering by starlight, and if you do, the rest of creation will conspire to guide, teach, and help you.
—Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight
Martha Beck is one of my ALL TIME favorite authors – she is sharp, hilarious, insightful, and I also find her story fascinating. Beck exhausted herself for years pursuing three Harvard degrees (including a Ph.D) while raising three kids (this after leaving the Mormon church and her family behind), then realized she wanted to become a life coach to save others from the physical and emotional misery she endured for so long. She’s been featured on Oprah, and now runs her own coach training program (which I discovered through fellow coaches Pam Slim and Cath Duncan).
I can honestly say that two of her books – Finding Your North Star and The Four-Day Win – changed my life. The former helped me navigate an emotionally turbulent time in my life, and the latter will forever change the way I think about food and health. Curious about what other gems of wisdom Martha had to share, I read Steering by Starlight over the holidays. The following are excerpts from the chapter on “lizard brain” fears that hold us back.
Excerpts from Chapter 2: Wizard vs. Lizard: The Battle for Your Brain
Steering by Starlight by Martha Beck
Photo Courtesy of Bogdan Suditu (Flickr)
- The entire purpose of your reptilian brain is to continuously broadcast survival fears – alarm reactions that keep animals alive in the wild.
- These fears fall into two categories: lack and attack. On one hand, our reptilian brains are convinced that we lack everything we need: We don’t have enough love, time, money, everything. On the other hand, something terrible is about to happen.
- [Focusing on lack-and-attack fear] ruins your relationships, your body, your life – and it doesn’t protect you from anything. In fact, it often creates what it fears.
- When we’re taken over by intense, high-adrenaline lizard fears about lack and attack, the people around us become anxious as well. They respond to our jitters by getting jittery, our defensiveness becomes defensive. Sociologists call this “social contagion.”
- Psychologists call it projection and reaction formation: Each person responds to the other by projecting her own sense of fear and grasping, then reacting violently against signs of fear (which come across as aggression) in the other. Your hideously controlling boss is so dictatorial that his employees really do want to rise up and depose him. The clingy friend who often shows up unannounced or refuses to leave, hoping to get every possible moment of your time? You avoid that person like the plague.
- A Catholic priest once told me the only thing the Devil can’t stand is being laughed at. This maxim suggests that learning to laugh at our fears is one of the best ways to conquer our own evil tendencies. This is ironic because most of the time, we unconsciously worship our fears, holding them deeply sacred.
- Don’t wait for your lizard fears to go away; they never will, as long as you have a brain. If you do nothing more than choose whatever feels most “shackles off” (freeing) to you, moment by moment, you will fulfill your best destiny.
- Freedom is available at any time, to anyone – and so is captivity. Moving away from fear is not nearly as realistic or productive as moving toward freedom.
- You will never realize your best destiny through the avoidance of fear. Rather, you will realize it through the exercise of courage, which means taking whatever action is most liberating to the soul, even when you are afraid.
***
I read a lot of books – connect with me on Good Reads to keep up!
Office Space: One of the Greatest Movies of All Time!
Do I fantasize about living a location independent lifestyle one day? Absolutely. Do I see that in my 5-year future? Hell yes. But let me tell you a secret: right now, I love my cube. And don’t feel bad if you do too. Heck, even if it’s not love – you can still find a lot to appreciate about the 40+ hour-a-week office job that often gets a bad rap in many blogs and books today.
While a handful of great blogs provide tips and resources for job-hunters to find office jobs, many extol the virtues of quitting to live free and independently; to work wherever you want, whenever you want. More power to those people! I have incredible respect and admiration for people like Carlos, Jamie, Carl, Jun and Sean for their drive, independence and ingenuity as they navigate ups and downs, set their on schedule and seek work that truly fulfills them.
A picture of my actual cube at Google
At the same time, I feel compelled to share why I love my cube in the hopes of encouraging those of you who may feel you’ve settled or are somehow stuck in the “dreaded rat-race” just because you “work for the man” at an office job. I realize that if you’re not currently doing work that suits you, where you sit – cube, couch or desk – won’t really matter. For help thinking about next steps in your career, check out my post on Creating a Professional Development Strategy – Part 1 and Part 2.
10 Reasons I Love My Cube
- I love working in an open, collaborative environment. I learn so much from my co-workers; in meetings, at lunch, passing in the hallways.
- It’s nice to have someone to turn around and share, vent or laugh with. I love spinning around in my black rolling chair, tapping my co-worker on the shoulder and asking for advice, input on a project, or just to take a quick chat break. It keeps me sane! There is something great about the personal, face-to-face connection that I have with co-workers IRL.
- I love structure. The 9-6 schedule really works for me! I wake up, go to the gym, work a full day, go to yoga, have dinner and go home. I’m fulfilled by having a routine, and don’t see it as being a prisoner at all.
- I love meeting new people. I live alone, so I’m glad I don’t also work alone (right now). I loooove my solitude. Sometimes it scares me how much! I wonder if I’ll wind up a cat lady – or in my case, a cupcake lady with empty boxes and stacks of books everywhere. But I digress. The point is – working for a company, especially a large one, is a great way to meet new people, particularly for those of us trying to expand our social circles after college.
- Office supplies galore! Here’s another secret about me: as a kid, I loved office supplies more than candy. One of the perks of working in an office: you get free office supplies! Just about whenever you need them! It’s beautiful. I love not having to worry about buying post-its, and I’m lucky enough to work for a company where they supply me with a nice laptop and tech support. I experience some serious savings as a result.
- Boring but true: benefits, benefits, benefits. I love that I don’t have to figure out how to get health insurance, a 401(k) or a Flexible Spending Account on my own. I fill out a handy little questionnaire online, and POW! All those things are taken care of. Benefits are complicated enough to figure out as an employee – I can’t imagine trying to figure out how to set-them up in the first place as my own boss. I’m sure I would eventually figure it out; but I’m perfectly happy spending my brain cells elsewhere for now.
- Get this: I like having a manager! Yes, it’s true. I love being a leader too – and I often seek ways to do that – but I learn so much from people with more experience than me. I like having a manager who asks pointed questions about my work, who gives me feedback, and who reflects on my strengths and areas for development. Side note: I’ve learned as much from bad managers as I have from good ones – all of which will help me be a better worker, leader and manager myself.
- Working for a company is like being in the middle of a business school case study – as it is being written. I love being an observer of how companies operate – all the way from a start-up to a big company like Google. How is the management team structured? What systems are in place across the company? What works? What doesn’t? How do leaders motivate their employees? What de-motivates them? How do companies streamline and automate tasks – both product-related and infrastructure-related? I love being able to observe and learn lessons about business and leadership, all without going into $150K of debt!
- When the printer says “PC Load Letter” I don’t have to fix it (or take it to a field and kick its ass). Don’t get me wrong – I’m a master at fixing copier jams. I get a weird sense of satisfaction from opening every FREAKING door and turning every damn handle until I fix the stupid thing. But in general, I’m thankful that I don’t need to purchase or maintain expensive office equipment (or trek to Kinkos and pay them exorbitant amounts of money for things like color copies).
- I will love the location independent lifestyle even more when I get there. Working in a cube – enjoying it AND getting it out of my system – will really help me enjoy and appreciate the location independent lifestyle when I finally take the plunge in a few years. I’ll know what I’m leaving behind – the good and the bad – and find ways to re-create the good when I’m out there on my own.
How about you? Anything you love about cube life that I missed?
A final note: may we all find our own freedom in our everyday lives, cube or not.
I love the number 10. So round and even; simple and beautiful. It’s going to be a great year, people, I know it!
I’m kicking this year off with a two-minute video post in which I share my silly new nickname and talk about the importance of relaxing a bit amidst all of our striving and resolutions; even Patches (my 14-year-old dog) makes a cameo. With that, I belatedly raise a champagne glass to you all. Cheers!
