Jenny on August 31st, 2010

Dips & Stomach Flips

I gave my first talk on goal-setting at a bookstore last week and I bombed. My friends and family might tell you otherwise…and several people said afterward that they really got something out of it, but in my heart and gut I know that I bombed. No amount of excuses – tired, busy, just starting out – could make up for how lame I felt. And by lame, I mean totally and utterly disappointed in myself.

Within 10 minutes of starting, as the camera man was throwing things at the store owner to get his attention, I started sweating and stuttering and wishing I could just quit. Stop mid-sentence and sprint toward the door. How the hell am I going to do this for 45 more minutes? I felt like a bumbling idiot at best and a disorganized motivational hack at worst.

Even after 5 years of training at Google and “faking it til I make it,” I’ve never been more uncomfortable at the front of a room. That feeling usually goes away within five minutes. It didn’t go away this time. I was laid out in the bottom of a dip and I knew it.

Live for the Dip…It Means You Are on Exactly the Right Track

“Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.”
—Sophia Loren

If you’ve ever pursued a big goal that took many months (or years) of commitment or tried learning a new complex skill, you have almost surely experienced the dip. The drop in motivation. The feeling of being totally frustrated and ready to give up at any minute. When you’re in the dip, you question whether this effort is even worth your time, and whether you are capable of achieving it.

The dip sucks the fun out. It waves the “how bad do you want this” flag and your demons tell you life would be easier if you just quit…that you could avoid all this discomfort by just walking away. But you know that’s not true. You know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, you just don’t know how long it will take to get there.

The dip is usually unavoidable. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, it actually means you are on exactly the right track. I’ve started repeating the phrase, “live for the dip” to myself and my coaching clients, because I’ve realized that hitting the dip is not something to avoid, it is a milestone worth celebrating. It feels uncomfortable, but it is necessary in order to move forward. Seth Godin published a book on this topic, but I prefer to reference a diagram I learned in many years of working in Training and Development:

Levels of Learning – The Conscious Competence Matrix

Levels of Learning - The Conscious Competence Matrix

  • Unconscious incompetence – You don’t know what you don’t know (ignorance is bliss)
  • Conscious incompetence – The dip! You suddenly become aware of how much you have to learn. You might feel dumb, incompetent, frustrated or discouraged as you realize you need more skills, time or practice in order to move forward.
  • Conscious competence – You’ve started to master the new skill, but you still have to actively think about whether you are doing it right.
  • Unconscious competence – You don’t even have to think about it any more – the new skill comes naturally and/or finishing the goal becomes completely do-able. This is really the fun part, where you are flowing and “in the zone.”

This model applies to many different situations. A few examples:

  • Learning a new skill – if you weren’t born with it, you almost always have to go through a phase of being a total beginner. You have to crawl before you can walk.
  • Pursuing a long-term goal – when the adrenaline and excitement wear off at the start of a big goal, you’ll often get hit by reality where you realize how challenging the pursuit of this goal will actually be.
  • Athletic Events - Marathon runners often hit “the wall” where they simply can’t imagine running another 100 yards, let alone finish the entire 26.2 (my wall lasted seven excruciatingly boring miles from 17-23).
  • In relationships - you often have to have your first fight and work through it successfully in order to take your relationship to the next level.

Celebrate the Dip – A Few Words of Encouragement

  • Big goals aren’t handed to you. You have to earn them.
  • If it is anything worth doing, you will hit a dip.
  • The dip is the toll you cross, the dues you pay.
  • You will want to give up.
  • You will question yourself.
  • You will feel uncomfortable.
  • You will want to fling yourself back into your comfort zone, but you won’t.
  • You will push through it.
  • And as much as it might suck, celebrate as you wade your way through the dip.
  • Live for the dip.
  • Laugh when you can; cry, scream or vent if you need to; and know that you’ll emerge stronger on the other side. Dragon slayed. Finish line in sight. Big dream conquered.

***

P.S. I’m going to be representing Gen Y on an upcoming panel discussion called Generations in the Workplace. The webinar will be held on Thursday, Sept. 9 at 12:00 p.m. PST. Click here to sign-up — I’d love to “see” you there.

P.P.S. Hopefully I won’t bomb this one :)

With South-by-Southwest panel submitters campaigning for the popular vote, SXSWi has definitely been a hot topic of conversation (at least among us online nerds) in recent weeks.

A reader sent me an email asking if I had any ideas for how she could make her big goal of attending happen, and I thought others might benefit from the response (which could apply to all goals with a financial component). I also know that my readers (ahem, YOU) are some of the most encouraging, brilliant people I know. If you have extra ideas please share your two cents in the comments!

As a quick aside: please take a moment to support my Big, Scary, Hairy Goal of speaking at SXSW by voting for my panel, “Got 99 Problems But a Blog ‘Aint One(from blog-to-book: how to pursue a traditional publisher) by this Friday, August 27. You do need to create a free account to vote…so thank you in advance! I’ll be so excited (albeit terrified) if the powers-that-be actually choose my panel…

Without further ado…StacyAnn’s Question:

Hi Jenny,

I’m writing to ask about a goal that I have set for myself. I know you routinely give great advice on goal setting. My goal is to attend SXSW in 2011. However I fear this is not a practical goal and Suze Orman would probably deny me since I’m currently campaigning for a new job. How do balance an experience goal vs a stuff goal?  What about balancing feelings that you will have to push your goal back?  Finally do you have any tips on making SXSW more affordable?  I couldn’t find any posts on this topic.

Thank you,
Stacyann

My Response:

Hi Stacyann,

I think it’s AWESOME that you’ve set a goal to attend SXSW in 2011, and you’re not alone in needing to figure out how to raise the money for it (I have lots of blogger friends in the same boat). If you are excited and energized by the goal and it’s important to you, Suze Orman would definitely give you the go-ahead, she would just tell you to make smart choices about how you get there (ie don’t go into debt). When a goal is really “soul-stirring” (a term coined by Tim Gunn), you can almost always find a way to make it happen. That said, if you end up having to push it back, don’t beat yourself up over it.

Here’s what I would do:

  • Research: Figure out exactly how much money you would need to attend (hotel, conference pass and daily expenses)
  • Make your goal clear: Write it as a question at the top of a sheet of paper: “How can I raise $X between now and Y-DATE to attend SXSW 2011?” Then brainstorm for 30 minutes — or until you reach 50 ideas.
  • Get motivated: Make a list of reasons that it’s important to you to attend (just part of getting the motivation you’ll need to pursue the goal)
  • Brainstorm ways to cut costs: See if you can stay with a friend or a friend-of-a-friend in Austin – that would cut costs way down. Brazen Careerist and 20-Something Bloggers also have sub-groups for SXSW – I’d join those and see if other bloggers are looking for roommates.
  • Cost-cutting part two: Look at your last two credit card statements (I use Mint.com) and see what you could cut between now and next March to save money. If you really want to get serious, set-up a side account and have money direct-deposited every month between now and then (I use INGDirect)
  • Brainstorm ways to raise money: Do you have any ways of making extra income between now and then? Babysitting, tutoring, consulting, etc.
  • Ask for help: Put out a call to your network – consider starting a Smarty Pig account to raise money. You might also ask for contributions for Christmas (or a birthday if you have one between now and then).

Good luck!! I know you can do this — and you’ll have such a blast. Austin is awesome, and the people who go are so smart and so much fun. You’ll have to keep me posted on your big goal!

Jenny

***

I’d love for you to chime in since nothing beats crowd-sourced wisdom: do you have any other ideas or words of encouragement for Stacyann (or others) raising money for a Big, Scary, Hairy Goal?

Jenny on August 18th, 2010

I feel like I just sent myself to my room: GROUNDED due to blog neglect. And don’t come out until you are ready to apologize!

So here I emerge, tail between my legs, with a bit of an apology. See, even if you didn’t really notice or didn’t really care, I know that I’ve been neglecting you these last few weeks. I haven’t been living up to the high standards and twice-weekly publishing schedule I try to uphold on this blog. Because I don’t want to waste your time with sub-par content, I end up not publishing anything at all, even though I have so much I want to say and share.

The truth is that I’ve been overwhelmed (AGAIN). Contrary to popular belief (at least based on a handful of humbling and incredibly nice emails I have received recently), I do NOT have it all figured out. “It” being this magical place where accomplishment AND inner peace co-exist, where I seamlessly balance life’s demands while walking a tightrope of my own expectations, and where I pay-close-enough-attention-to-but-somehow-don’t-over-feed my crazy emotions that seem to run amok every day.

So I have been prioritizing the book, my day job, my sleep and my sanity over just about everything else. I haven’t been writing as much as I would like, responding to emails in a very timely way, commenting on other blogs, tweeting or really upholding my end of the social media bargain. But we all need a break sometimes (or a turtle shell to hide under), and this has been mine.

That is not to say I haven’t been thinking about you. Drumroll, please! Enter THE MOST RANDOM POST OF ALL TIME.

Things I’ve been wanting to ask/say/share these last few weeks:

  1. I would love your support for my SXSW Panel - I’m pretty much scared shitless to even tell you about this panel (let alone lead it), which is why I know it’s important that I do. I submitted a proposal to speak at SXSWi (tech-geek heaven) called “Got 99 Problems But a Blog Ain’t One” to help bloggers understand what it takes to get a book deal even without a gigantic platform (much like my inside scoop book newsletters). In order to have a shot at presenting, I need your help — will you vote for my idea if you think it’s a good one (even if you’re not attending)?
  2. If I Had Known Just One Thing E-Book – I’m a contributor in the free career-related e-book compiled by Shane Mac called “If I had known just one thing.” You can either download the book as a PDF, or navigate through the fancy HTML pages (using your arrow keys). My submission is called “Don’t Wait.”
  3. Book Photo Voting & Contest Winner - Thank you SO much for the comments and votes. I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to your comments, but I read every single one and appreciated them so much — you have no idea. I still haven’t decided which picture I’m going with; the popular vote seems to be for photo #2, but I might just be leaning toward #1 (both need a closer crop). And (drumroll again) the winner of the first-ever-giveaway of my own book is Sneha — congrats! The book is in the mail (and by mail, I mean off to the copy-editor for the final round of edits. Eek!)
  4. Career Moxie BlogTalk Radio Guest Spot – I speak with hosts Tiffany and Allison about why you don’t need an official mentor (and share what inspired me to write my book). The show is about 30 minutes long, and covers how to create informal mentoring relationships and how to find mentors in unexpected places.
  5. Psychology Today article mention - Speaking of mentors, one of my favorite people, Susan Biali, recently wrote an article for Psychology Today based on conversations we’ve had recently about time management, saying no, and taking care of ourselves. The article is called, “Shackles or soul-stirring? Decide before you commit.” The part where she quotes my email response as “Eeeeeeeeeee!!!” cracked me up. Guilty as charged :)
  6. Hosted Pam Slim for an Authors@Google Talk – I was very excited to host Pam (another role model who blogs at Escape From Cubicle Nation and has a book of the same name), for an Authors@Google event earlier this month. She makes a case for building a “side hustle” (either within your company or outside if it) as a critical part of being successful in the workforce. Check-out the 45 minute video (with a short intro from yours truly).
  7. Coaching update – after 2.5 years, 115 training hours, 100+ 1:1 coaching hours, 9 supervised calls, a written exam, an oral exam, and 2 major 3-month long “I’m not cut out for this” dips, I am now a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC)!

Just for Fun:

Blog Posts I’ve Loved Recently:

Words of Wisdom from a Recent TUT’s Notes from the Universe:

You’re the only person who knows what’s right for you. The only one.
And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don’t, commit to nothing.

Only you know,
The Universe

That’s it for now…I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week! I’m off to continue my search for a life filled with rainbows and unicorns. Or just watch some so-bad-it’s-GOOOOD reality TV.

Exciting times, my friends! I just got back from L.A. where I took author portraits at my alma mater (Go Bruins!) with my mom’s childhood friend –  photographer Mark Hanauer. I am also working on cutting the draft of my book down to 300 pages (from 450), per my editor’s request. Next steps are copy-editing and cover design…eeee! Want to know more? Follow more detailed book updates by joining my monthly-ish “Inside Scoop” book newsletter.

Back Cover Photo – Share Your Two Cents!

I tend to be indecisive, so I put my two favorite pictures up for a Facebook vote on Friday…but the results were pretty split (thanks to everyone who already chimed in!). I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — which picture do you think is a better fit for the back of the book? Both pictures can be cropped in closer. I want to come across as relatable…and telepathically inspire people to actually buy a copy :)

And just for fun, I’ll use Random.org to pick a winner from the comments and you’ll get a signed copy when it comes out next March (that is the first time I’ve mentioned giving away a copy of MY OWN book…what a trip!). Just make sure you weigh in by Friday, August 13.

Jenny Blake - Author Portrait - Headshot

Option 1 (Royce Hall, UCLA)

Jenny Blake - Author Portrait - Headshot

Option 2

“Behind the Scenes” Videos from Picture Day

Guest appearances (in no particular order) by my brother Tom, his girlfriend Gil, the photographer Mark, and Chantal Moore, the fabulous makeup artist. Note: The videos are awkwardly tall (and unedited) – taken on my brother’s iPhone 4.

  • Video 1 – Makeup and an intro to Shaq the dog
  • Video 2 – “Feels like a little slice of heaven”
  • Video 3 – Introductions (how you know you’ve made it into the inner circle)
  • Video 4 – Walking down Royce Hall for that windblown look :)

***

P.S. I’m also excited to share the launch of DoesNot.com from another family friend, Bob Gordon, a lawyer and fellow Bay Area resident. Bob has been part of a team working on this website for over 15 years. It’s super interactive and the purpose is to “enhance creativity, self worth and empowerment among youth” through 8 interactive environments. Artists can upload their own videos to share with friends, and users can download and remix songs they like. Check it out if you get a chance!

If pictures speak 1,000 words, I’ll let the first one in this post express the total calm and beauty I experienced on my river trip last week. I loved every unplugged second of it. Great food & guides (thank you Echo!), great people, great yoga, and endless little moments of laughter, connection and perfect weather.

But the best part of all was letting myself roam completely free for an entire week. No to-dos, no make-up, no emails, no gadgets, no worries. It was truly a vacation for the soul.

Rogue River - Southern Oregon

Rogue River - Southern Oregon

Which brings me to this blog post. You know how much I love metaphors as life lessons (some favorites: domesticating jaguars, lifting the oars, panicking during a triathlon & living a sandboxed life); I couldn’t help but gather 20 gems from my week-long river rafting trip (with my friend Julie’s help during our drive home). I’ve only just scratched the surface – I’m sure there are dozens (if not hundreds) of other little life lessons that could be gleaned from the experience, so feel free to add others you can think of in the comments!

20 Life Lessons I Learned on the Rogue River

  1. Contrast makes the world go ’round. The crazy, hectic lives we lead back home made relaxing on the river incredibly fulfilling. Also: squatting to pee and finding a dying bee in my mop of river-dreadlocked hair gave me an entirely new appreciation for toilets and warm showers. And this, my friends, is why contrast makes the world go ’round. Highs and lows, happiness and sadness, the comforts of city life versus life stripped to the essentials are what keep things exciting.
  2. It’s a lot harder to paddle back upstream than it is to just keep moving forward. No matter how much you may want a do-over for the rapids in your life, you’ve got to just keep moving. What’s done is done. Find your place back in the current and let the river take you forward. And if you are going to paddle upstream, make sure it’s for a good reason (like helping a friend), because it’s a helluva lot of work.
  3. Sometimes you have to cut your baggage loose to get unstuck. On Day 3 one of the boats got caught in an “aggrivated perch” on a challenging Class 4 rapid where the force of the water held the boat locked against a giant rock. The only way for the two guides in the boat to set it free was to literally start cutting bags loose since they were anchoring the boat in the wrong direction. Finally, after freeing a few big bags and the coffee maker, the guides were able to wrest the boat free from the rocks. What baggage do YOU need to cut loose in order to keep moving?
  4. Sometimes you stand up with a stick in your ass. Literally. Have a good laugh and carry on with your day. This is probably TMI, but after peeing in the woods one day, I stood up and realized there was a stick caught between my cheeks. Stop laughing…it happens, okay?!?! I had a good hearty laugh and realized it was oh-so-metaphoric for all those days we wake up on the wrong side of bed. You might not have put the stick there, but you do have the power to take it out.
  5. There’s no point in suffering from heat-stroke on a hot day if you have an entire river below you. JUMP IN! Sometimes I think we let ourselves get so hot, sweaty and miserable in our lives that we forget the answer to our problems can be right beneath our feet. For a day on the river, there’s nothing a jump into refreshingly cold water can’t fix. For a day off the river, look for those obvious opportunities to let loose or feel better. They are everywhere if you just open your eyes and look around.
  6. Sometimes the unexpected swim (after falling out of a kayak while going through a rapid) is even better than the ride you planned. Live for the unexpected adventures in your life. Let your mistakes be a part of the fun. Sometimes they are the best part.
  7. In moments of panic, don’t jump ship right before a big rock. One of the kids on our trip was planning to go through a rapid on the inner tube. Right as he approached a big rock (that the tube would’ve bounced off of), his eyes got wide and he panicked. Instead of gripping the tube and hoping for the best, he jumped out and was left to fend for himself as a swimmer through the rocks. Our big goals almost always require confronting big rocks – hold on tight and have faith that things will work out.
  8. Stake out the big rapids in life and plan your course before going through. For the biggest rapids on the trip we parked the boats, hiked up to see what was going on, and went over how the guides would paddle through. A little planning went a long way toward reducing uncertainty and making sure everyone felt comfortable.
  9. On the other hand, sometimes the more you think and plan, the harder something becomes. If you hesitate for too long at the top of a cliff jump (or natural water slide), you’ll scare yourself out of it. Just go!
  10. People are fascinating if you get curious. Take the time to get to know people. Ask what they do for fun, what lights them up, what the best part of their day was. People are so much more interesting than the answer to the routine “so, what do you do?” question — stretch yourself and make the effort to really get to know people. It’s worth it.
  11. Itching mosquito bites only makes them worse. As tempting as it may sometimes be, don’t engage or encourage unwanted things or people in your life. Let them be.
  12. It’s okay to let go sometimes and let someone else do the work. For a good majority of the trip, I sat high up on one of the oar boats in a spot that we dubbed “the princess perch.” It was piled high with bags, and I used the inner tube as a pillow. For once, I didn’t care that I wasn’t the one paddling – I was perfectly happy to relax and let someone else take charge. Mission Relax & Slow Down = SUCCESS!
  13. If you always sleep in the comfort of your tent, you’ll miss the stars. I slept outside on the last night under the glow of moonlight with zillions of stars poking through the leaves of the trees, and it was absolutely gorgeous. Sure, I got a few DOZEN mosquito bites, but it was well worth it.
  14. Friends are like life jackets. Sometimes you don’t realize how important they are until you fall into the water and they’re there to keep you afloat. So be good to your friends even when you don’t NEED them. Especially when you don’t need them.
  15. Keep your tent zipped if you want to keep the bugs out. Don’t get sloppy about who and what you let into your life. Better to keep your tent zipped than to sleep with ants and mosquitoes at night. That said, also be open to letting new people and experiences into your proverbial tent.
  16. Being unplugged – truly, 100% gadget-free unplugged – is like giving your brain a clear, calm beautiful day on the river. Emails and commitments are like little pebbles that pile up in your brain. Obsess over them and they become big rocks that cause big rapids. Make sure you give yourself frequent breaks from the pebbles of your life.
  17. Get the right people on your boat (or your river trip). Whether you’re spending a day or a week (or more) with people, the ride will be much more enjoyable (and your paddle crew more effective) if you pick the right people up front. Our trip was awesome, largely because of the people and river guides who were on it with us.
  18. You can do all the planning in the world and you’ll still forget to pack your river pants. I had a packing list. I had a checklist. I started packing a week in advance. I laid all my clothes out before neatly packing them in my duffel bag. And guess what? I still somehow managed to leave one of the most important items of the trip at home. Sigh. Thankfully, my friend Julie forgave my stupid error and let me borrow her extra pair of pants.
  19. Getting there is half the fun. The road-trip up to Oregon took about nine hours each way, and my friend Julie and I laughed, vented, shared and played little games (like taking turns listing proudest life moments) through redwood forests, small towns and big curving mountain roads. It was incredible, and I’m so glad we left ourselves extra days to enjoy the ride there and back.
  20. Life on the river is not about what you do, how you look or where you live. It is about who you are, how much fun you’re having, and the connections you make with nature, with yourself, and with the people you are surrounded by.

Special thanks to Susan Fox, an incredible life coach and yoga teacher, who organized the trip and led two daily yoga sessions with the group. There is something magical about doing tree pose while staring at a river bank lined with lush green trees, moving into triangle and looking up to see a bald eagle soaring across the blue sky, flipping into waterfall pose (a backbend) with the sound of rushing water in the background, then later ending with savasana (corpse pose) by relaxing onto the hot rocks warmed by sunlight as we finished our practice. The yoga (and entire trip) was truly a little slice of heaven.

Namaste. :)

River Rafting - Group Photo

Group Photo (that's me in the middle doing Bakasana...not easy on a downhill slope!)

***

P.S. Hat tip to Grace Boyle for recommending the AWESOME book I started reading on the trip. Shantaram is a 900+ page door-stopper novel/memoir about a recovered heroin-addict who escaped over the front wall of an Australian prison (after being committed for armed robbery) who then fled to Bombay where he set-up a free medical clinic in the slums and started working for the Indian mafia. Crazy, right?! Grace also sent me an overview video from the author, Gregory David Roberts, a fascinating man whose book is a total page-turner must-read about life, love, regret and redemption.

P.P.S. Two great (free!) e-books came out while I was gone – check ‘em out:

Jenny on July 14th, 2010

I just read an awesome book, The Back of the Napkin: Solving Problems and Selling Ideas, and it inspired me to post this next update as a doodle:

  

That’s right – starting tomorrow I am going to be UNPLUGGED for eight glorious days. My friend Julie and I are going on a road-trip to Oregon for a 5-day yoga/rafting expedition.

No gadgets, no computer, no email, no phone, no chargers. I will be officially detoxing from all things tech. See you all when I return the week of July 26!

***

P.S. Life After College now has a Facebook page – give ‘er a like if you want to!

P.P.S. Gen Y’ers: My friend Lauren needs 30 more survey respondents to reach her goal of 1,000 for a Bowdich Research Study. Help her out if you can :)